


Beautiful Souls

by BayleyWinchester



Series: Broken Minds and Beautiful Souls [2]
Category: Marvel
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Murder, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, POV Multiple, Past Romance, Post-Canon, Post-HYDRA Reveal, Protective Steve Rogers, Sequel, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Triggers, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, vengeance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-06-17 10:35:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 48,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15459456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BayleyWinchester/pseuds/BayleyWinchester
Summary: For the past three years Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes, Romanoff, Wilson, and Barton have been on the run from the American government. The official story is that Captain Rogers didn’t like the idea of Barnes having to fight anymore when the American military wanted him to. Thus, he took him and ran.~~It has been three years since Steve took Bucky and ran, three years on the run fighting Hydra. He never expected to become a fugitive of the country he was supposed to represent. Steve had done the only thing he could think of, find out how to get Bucky back and take down Hydra along the way. What else could he do?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You asked and I delivered...

There were five things that Bucky knew now. 

He was on a mission to take down Hydra with Steve and Sam and Nat and Clint  
He had a name now - James Buchanan Barnes (Bucky)   
He was allowed to have emotions and remember  
He was liked by Steve and Sam and Nat and Clint  
He felt safe with Steve

There were five things that Steve knew as well.

He hated Hydra with a fiery passion  
He liked and respected Sam, Nat, and Clint more than ever  
He was going to stop at nothing to take Hydra down  
He would do anything for Bucky  
He really, really, loved Bucky. 

There were ten things they knew and they were going to discover a whole lot more. 

~~

As a teacher, Miriam had graded a lot of papers, like a lot of papers. More than she could be bothered to count. Most years it was the same thing, Lord of the Flies or 1984. It wasn’t just the books copied after so long the essays all started looking the same as well. And she had only been doing it for five years, she couldn’t imagine how the teachers did it for any longer.

So, it was always a welcomed breath of fresh air when there was a new topic that she could make the children write about. Instead of a pile of 1984 papers in front of her, she had a pile of essays detailing the rise, glory, and fall of Captain Rogers. Sure, she was an English teacher and this was a historical topic, but one more paper about how Ralph represents English civilization and Miriam was going to _scream_.

Plus, it was always fun to read about her (old) organization’s rival. She missed her days at Hydra and hearing about the life and time of _Bucky Barnes_ would be a nice break from being a teacher. It would transport her to the days where she could command him to do anything for her and he would.

Three papers down and twenty-six to go. Miriam picked up the next paper, one of the longest one in the class. She was hardly surprised, Jenna was one of her best students and always handed in A worthy papers.

_Steven Grant "Steve" Rogers is a World War II veteran and is known as the world's first superhero. Captain America, or Steve Rogers, was born on the fourth of July in 1918. Born to an Irish immigrant at the end of World War 1, Captain Rogers grew up sickly and poor during the great depression. During his childhood Captain Rogers was best friends with James Buchanan Barnes, or Bucky for short, they were “inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield” according to the Smithsonian. When he tried to enlist, Captain Rogers was rejected from military service because of his sickness and general poor health. Determined to serve, he ultimately volunteered for the top-secret Super Soldier program, and the frail Rogers was enhanced to the peak of human perfection. He soon joined the war effort as a mascot, given the moniker of Captain America, and later joined the war in a combat role after he single-handedly liberated captured Allied POWs. From 1943 to 1945, Captain Rogers attacked multiple HYDRA bases alongside his own team, the Howling Commandos, in an attempt to capture the Red Skull, and recover the Tesseract. Despite seemingly losing his closest best friend and loyal teammate, Bucky Barnes, during a mission, Rogers carried on to help the Allies win the war, but crashed into the Arctic during his final mission. Rogers then spent 66 years encased in ice in suspended animation before he was found by SHIELD in 2012._

Nodding her head, Miriam was pleased with the basic background info given. No, that it really mattered, the Asset didn’t need to know any of this to be functional. Only one spelling mistake had been circled in her red pen though, she Miriam was happy. Jenna knew what she was doing.

_After only two weeks out of the ice, Captain Rogers began fighting with, what would later be called, the Avengers in 2012 Captain Rogers helped stop Loki in the battle of New York. When that fight was over Captain Rogers became a SHIELD agent with the Black Widow and Hawkeye, fighting alongside the Avengers when needed. In these two years, there were many rumours surrounding Captain Rogers and how he was updating to the modern era. Some claimed that he was struggling with it while others said he had taken like a fish to water. Captain Rogers never publicly said anything. Working with Nick Fury, Natasha Romanoff, and SHIELD, Captain Rogers continued his fight against Hydra the Nazi science cult._

A small smile appeared on Miriam’s face. ‘Nazi science cult’ was something she hadn’t seen before. Miriam couldn’t tell if she liked it or not so she left it alone.

_Then, in April of 2014, Captain Rogers life changed completely, again. It was discovered that Hydra was actually SHIELD and that Captain Rogers had fought his best friend - Bucky Barnes - thinking he was just another Hydra agent. It turned out that he was one of the world's most dangerous assassins now. He had been taken during the war and experimented on and brainwashed into believing, what amounted to be, that he wasn’t even a person. He only did as he was told, no matter what. Bucky had become the Winter Soldier, an assassin responsible for the deaths of over two dozen important political figures. He worked for Hydra, taking out who they deemed to be threats until Captain Rogers was able to break through the brainwashing and get him out._

The smile on Miriam’s face turned into a frown. The asset breaking out of its programming was one of the worst days of her life. She had spent her entire life working on project Insight, only to have it ruined by the asset failing. If she ever saw him again she would do everything in her power to kill him.

_After two months on the run, Bucky found Captain Rogers again and they stayed together in Brooklyn for around another month and a half. People don’t know what happened during this time but neighbours believe Captain Rogers was trying to help his old friend out of the conditioning he had. That he was trying to bring Bucky back from where Hydra had taken him away, leaving only the body and the skills. After the six weeks of peace in Captain Rogers’s apartment they, along with Sam Wilson (Falcon) and Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow) went to New York to see Tony Stark and the rest of the Avengers. This was the time that the public found out about Bucky, and what he did. While there Bucky was reprogrammed back into the Winter Soldier and, rumour has it, that programmed to see Captain Rogers as his handler._

She was able to smile again. The day she had heard the news, nearly three months later, had been the best day of her life. The asset had ruined her life and his was being taken away as well. It was almost poetic. Jenna got an extra point for making Miriam happy. She was definitely the teacher’s pet.

_For the past three years Captain Rogers, Barnes, Romanoff, Wilson and Barton have been on the run from the American government. The official story is that Captain Rogers didn’t like the idea of Barnes having to fight anymore when the American military wanted him to. Thus, he took him and ran. A lot of people have created other theories as to why they left. One of the most popular ones is that Steve and Bucky were in love before the war and Steve thought they would be arrested for it so they ran. This theory has no basis in reality. There have been many reported sightings of them all over the world, mostly in locations where a lot of people end up dead or tied up on the police’s doorsteps. It seems that the group of superheroes have dedicated their lives to taking down what remains of Hydra. The last reported sighting was two hours away from Melbourne, Australia. Here a factory was bombed to the ground and seventeen people charged with being Hydra agents - a now illegal practice._

The gay thing surprised Miriam, which surprised her even more. Not much fazed her anymore. She didn’t know if it was true or not, but it wasn’t like it mattered anymore. No way Bucky was in the right mindset for a relationship, Miriam grinned at the thought.

_No one knows how Barnes is or what state he is in. For all, we know he is back to being normal. There has been no word from any of the team in nearly a year and a half. The last thing that was said was when Barton told a reporter ‘Steve won’t stop until his mission is over. We’re there with him’. They could strike anywhere next, get their revenge on anyone or-_

Miriam stopped reading when she heard a knock on her front door. She wasn’t stupid, she knew about all the Hydra agents going silent. They all assumed it was them, at least one of them. The rumour that was going around was that he was asking (demanding) for the codes to de-trigger _Bucky_. If it was them at the door, which she doubted, they were out of luck. Yes, she had used the asset during her time but she didn’t know anything about him.

Standing, she stretched and put down the essay before she walked to the door. She wasn’t expecting anything but sometimes her husband would send her flowers when he was in Russia for long periods of time. It was probably just that. So imagine her surprise when she opened the door to find Steve Rogers and Co at her down. With a sigh, she opened the door wider and walked back into the living room. There was a gun on the side table, she would take one of those bastards down with her if it came to that.

They looked good for a team of people who had been on the run for three years. They were wearing civilian clothes, hats pulled low over their eyes. Steve had a beard now, that was new, but even she had to admit he looked good with it. Their clothes looked new enough, not brand new but it wasn’t dirty or ripped. For a brief moment, Miriam wondered how they had to money to travel around the world. It wasn’t like SHIELD was paying them anymore.

She sized them all up before staring at the asset. The asset looked the calmest she had ever seen him, he was standing behind Steve, looking relaxed where he was. She guessed they were taking care of him, he wasn’t allowed to shower without being told to back when she knew him. Miriam knew a few basic commands, maybe she could reactive him to follow her instead? As if he knew what she was thinking, Steve shook his head. “He doesn’t respond well to other people. Your plan kind of backfired there.”

“Wasn’t my plan,” she replied.

“Yeah, you were kicked out of Hydra before this plan was thought up,” Natasha snapped back with a grin.

Not one for lying, Miriam admitted that it stung to hear those words. Hydra had been her entire life for a very long time and to have to leave had hurt. “Well, he’s still an asset so who’s winning there?”

“With the amount of dead Hydra agents,” Sam Wilson shrugged, “I’d say us.”

“So you here to kill me too?”

“If you can’t help us,” Steve nodded. “I have a simple question, I’m sure you know what it is.”

“Sorry, never even met the asset in person,” and fuck it. If she was about to die she was allowed to lie. Fuck them and fuck her no lying rule. “Wish I did, I would've loved to see him in action. You’re wasting him you know. Apparently, you don’t even use him to get information out of people, from what I heard he’s a _real_ good interrogator.”

Steve looked behind his shoulder to Bucky, his eyes going from a steely glare to a look of tender compassion. Miriam thought she could gag at the sight. “Buck, did you ever met this woman? Miriam Larissa Jones.”

“Yes. 2009. Computer technician, specialty was Project Insight.”

“Thanks, Buck,” Steve replied turning back to Miriam. “So, you lied. Now, tell me how to deprogram Bucky and I’ll let you walk out of here,” she stayed silent and he sighed. “Fine, your husband’s higher up right? He might know.”

“Don’t talk about my husband.”

“Why not?” Steve asked, “we might even use the _asset_ to get what we want. I’m sure he’ll know something.”

Stepping to the table as quickly as she could, Miriam picked up the gun and pointed it point blank at Steve’s chest. Bucky moved quicker than Miriam had ever seen before, standing right next to Steve with his icy glare directed at her. Steve raised his hand, stopping Bucky from coming closer to him. “Get out of my house.”

“Shot me,” Steve replied. “We’ll move to your husband next and we will get what we need.”

And, like an idiot, she emptied the gun firing at Steve. All six bullets bounced off Bucky’s hand onto the floor. Miriam stared at them in confusion and fear for a moment before looking back up. Clint and Sam had already left the house, the door swinging shut behind them, and the other three were looking at her. Steve cleared his throat, “well. You’ve been unhelpful, I hope you have fun with Nat.”

“Oh, I’m sure we will.”

Her screams had started before Bucky and Steve even made it to the car. It was a shame the essays were never returned, Jenna would've gotten an A.


	2. Chapter 2

“Stop getting blood on my bed!” Steve chided from the kitchenette. “Why haven’t you washed yet?”

“I wanted to see if that man I was talking to replied,” Clint muttered. 

“You’re getting blood on my bed because of Twitter?” 

Natasha let out a laugh from where she was sitting on the other bed. “Clint go wash your hands, and Bucky, stop moving so much,” Clint sulked away to wash his hands and Bucky froze. “You’re good,” she muttered. She was sitting behind him, braiding his hair. Steve may or may not have taken a few photos of them. “You’re going to look great,” she muttered while concreting on the braid. “Isn’t he?” She asked Steve. 

“You always look good,” Steve replied.

“That’s go gay,” Sam replied with a good-natured laugh. Steve rolled his eyes and throw a piece of carrot at him. “Carrot? Again?” He whined when he saw the projectile. “We had carrot last night.”

“Who let the kid in?” Clint asked walking back in. He paused, looked at what Steve was holding and pouted, “no wait, I’m with him. Why are you always cooking healthy shit for us?”

“So we don’t die of malnutrition,” Steve replied evenly. It was true, he had become nothing short of a mother hen over the last few years. Happily cooking good meals for them every night and making sure they stayed semi-healthy while on the run. He assumed it was because he had to mother hen Bucky and the others just followed suit and got the same treatment. They acted like they hated but Steve knew better. They loved it. “Besides, you won’t even taste the carrot. You big baby.”

Clint rolled his eyes but stayed silent, moving to sit beside Sam at the table. They were going over the new information that a few Hydra agents had given up. That was their life now, Steve still felt bad for bringing them all into it. Going through nearly a century of paperwork and then killing people wasn’t a nice way to live. No matter how they spun it. At least he had known Bucky before all this, everyone else was just going off what he was saying. It made him feel a little sick. 

“There!” Nat said, standing from the bed. “Look at that,” she gestured at Bucky. “Doesn’t he look great? I told you I could do a french braid.”

“Looks great,” Steve said. If nothing else, just to reassure Bucky who was looking a little pale under the spotlight. He much preferred to stay in the background while the others took center stage. He turned back to Nat, “does this mean you’ll stop asking to cut my hair?”

“No. I will continue to pester you until you relent.”

Steve rolled his eyes at her to Bucky, who looked happier for it. It made Steve’s day whenever Bucky emoted, even a little. He looked so much like himself when he did it. Not like the winter soldier or the asset. He looked like him. Like the kid, Steve had grown up with in Brooklyn. It wasn’t often that Steve got to see that side of him, so whenever he did it was an amazing experience. 

He was about to reply when Clint cried out ‘ha!’ Steve and everyone else turned to see him waving a piece of paper in the air. It looked like an old map with handwriting all over it. “This is the key to our problems,” he said happily. “The base where Bucky was first taken before he ever woke up. We should be able to find stuff there.” 

“Where is it?” Sam asked, taking the map and looking it over himself. 

“Russia, it’s a smaller base on the way to the Siberian base just outside of Moscow. Looks like they put him in a truck, drove there and he had minor surgery before being transferred to the Siberian facility a few hours after.” 

“Doubtful there will still be information there,” Nat said with a frown.

Clint shook his head, “Zola used it as a base right up until he died. No one’s been back.”

“How do you know?” Steve asked. He was a little skeptical, Clint wasn’t always the most logical when it came to planning things like this. 

“Remember we took all those books from - uh - John or Jim’s house? I forgot the name. But we took those books. They’re the log books from a whole lot of bases in Russia, so I cross-checked it all. I’m not an idiot -” Nat coughed something that sounded like ‘debatable’ but Clint ignored it “- I did my homework. No one’s been back since it closed down in the 70’s and no one took anything out of it since the 50’s. So our stuff might still be there.”

Steve tilted his head, Clint could be right about this. And if he was, Steve didn’t want to get his hopes up. He was a fierce believer in waiting to have the facts (Bucky would disagree) before getting hopes up so they don’t come crashing down when it all falls apart. But still, he couldn’t help it. There could be files from Bucky’s stay there that helped them get the old Bucky back. That was hope enough. Steve was brought out of his thoughts when the pot boiled over on the stove and Sam clicked his tongue. Rolling his eyes again Steve drained the pot and started serving the dishes up.

Like most times they stayed in a motel, they had brought Sam’s table into their room so they had more table space. Usually, the beds became tables - or hair studios - as well if they ran out of room. The motels were hardly ever big, most of them just had two beds, a table, a kitchenette and a bathroom. But it was enough for them. They could probably get bigger rooms but Steve hated money and at the end of the day, it was his money they were using. Which was, kinda, illegal now. It was all his back pay from the government that Nat had put into another account they could use. So yeah, kinda illegal but so were they so what did it matter? 

The motels were fine, and the two tables were enough for them to sit around. Which is what Clint and Sam were organizing when they saw the plates come out. Papers were cleared onto the beds or the floor and chairs were positioned neatly around the table. Bucky was still sitting on the bed, his legs folded underneath him, looking eerily similar to how Steve had found him over three years ago. At least there was no blood now. After plating up the meatballs and spaghetti and handing them to Nat and Sam he started on the shakes. Steve and Bucky could get by with just eating food, but they had to eat so much it became an annoyance to the both of them. So they went and they found high-calorie shakes. With these, they only had to eat a normal amount, like the others. 

He set them down beside the plates and looked over at Bucky, “come on. There’s food for you.” 

At the order of his handler, he slipped off the bed and silently made his way to the table. While he was getting better at making decisions, food was a problem area. 

“Drink the smoothie first,” Steve said just like every other night. “Then eat the meatballs and pasta. Understand?” 

Bucky nodded once and started drinking. This was the procedure every night in the motel rooms. Bucky had to be told what to do and Steve had to do it. He didn’t listen to the others like he listened to him. Sure, if they told him to move he would - unless Steve had told him to go there - but they couldn’t ever get him to eat, or sleep, or do anything related to the mission. That was all on Steve. Everyone else could see how that was affecting Steve, having to be a handler. But, in true Steve Roger’s fashion, he pretended he was fine and acted like he could do this. When he really couldn’t. No one said anything, apart from ordering him to get some sleep or eat, there just wasn’t much else they could do.

Aside from taking down Hydra. 

~~

“The east wall has the least amount of security but it has the most natural obstacles,” Nat said. “The north wall would probably be the best bet if we’re not seen,” she muttered something in Russian before shaking her head. Sam, Steve, Clint, Nat, and Bucky were all sitting around a table in the new motel. They were in Moscow since the base was only a few hours out. The base was completely off the grid in the middle of nowhere and was their best bet. All of them had assumed it would be easy to get into, seeing as it was abandoned. But they were wrong. Natasha had gone and scouted the place before they arrived in Moscow and while it was empty there were security cameras everywhere. 

It made Steve more hopeful, as odd as it sounded because if they were protecting the building there must be something important. If that something was to do with Bucky or just Hydra, Steve didn’t know. He hoped it was to do with Bucky. For him, Bucky was the main priority in his life. Well, getting Bucky back was his main priority. He knew that the others prioritized taking down Hydra - the mission - over deprogramming Bucky. Which calmed him a whole lot, he could focus on Bucky without having to worry if he was abandoning the mission. Don’t get him wrong, he was very dedicated to taking Hydra, probably more so than during the war, but it was difficult for him to separate his time between the mission and with Bucky. Which is why he was eternally grateful to the rest of his team. If he had to create a team these people would be the first on the list. And here they all were. 

“Can’t one of us just go in and turn the cameras off?” Sam asked.

“We could,” Nat nodded but she was frowning. “There’s another problem with getting in, there’s a code.” 

“Like a passcode?” Clint sighed.

She nodded, “a passcode.”

“And we need it?” Steve asked, “can’t we just break in?”

“If they have that many cameras they probably have some sort of sensor that would trigger with the force. Like that other base in Poland.” 

There was a lull of silence when Bucky spoke. He really said anything without prompting, so it came as a small shock. “Base - East Pushkinskiye Gory, Russia. Code, base entrance - 1819BNY. Code, interior door - 30BMBS. Code, office - 32WIAN.”

“Oh,” Steve blinked. “Thanks, Bucky.”

“Facial recognition software at base entrance. Advised to use back door. Code - 4345NJ.”

“Anything else?” Sam asked, a small grin on his face. This was going to be a lot easier since they had an ex-agent on their side. 

Bucky thought for a moment, then his face showed absolute fear. Everyone froze for a moment, nothing like this had happened before. Steve reacted first, taking Bucky’s hand in his and calling out to him. Bucky blinked once, twice, and then looked straight into Steve’s eyes. Something he never did. He didn’t make eye contact, ever. When he spoke he didn’t sound like the asset, he sounded like a scared kid from Brooklyn. “There’s a table. They took my arm, why did they take my arm?” He paused looking at his metal arm and then started speaking as quickly as he could. “It hurt so much, but I couldn’t move. They were doctors but they weren’t like my doctor at home, they weren’t nice. They took my arm. I lost it. I was yelling out, yelling for someone. They didn’t come. Because I was dead. They thought I was dead because I fell and they couldn’t catch me. Who couldn’t come? Zola wasn’t there, he was on a train, he was with Captain America. Captain America, mission in 2014. Failed mission. Captain America, Steve Rogers, handler,” he paused and looked around the room. His voice was much quieter as he continued, “Steve Rogers. I wanted -”

Everyone watched with horror as Bucky froze, dropped Steve’s hand and went dead silent. 

“Bucky?” Steve asked gently after a few moments.

“The wrong thoughts are gone,” Bucky replied. He sounded like he always did, something of a robot. “I’m sorry. Ready to accept punishment.”

“I told you, I’m not going to punish you,” Steve muttered. His mind was stuck on what Bucky had said. ‘Wrong thoughts’. That’s what he thought the truth was. Steve couldn’t say he was surprised, he had acted the same way when confronted with his notebooks back in New York. 

He looked skeptical but ultimately accepted it - of course, he did, Steve’s word was the absolute law to him - and turned back to Sam. “A kill switch for all surveillance is in the general's office.”

“Do you know the code?” Clint asked after another pause of silence.

“Voice recognition.” 

They all sighed, anyone who had been programmed would be dead now and hacking in would take time. Nat frowned before looking up, “Bucky, when you with Hydra, did they put your voice in the recognition software?” 

“Yes.”

“So we can use it? To turn off the surveillance?” Clint asked and Bucky nodded. “That makes life so much easier.” 

Under the praise, Bucky’s eye lit up. Steve watched it happen and felt the emotion drain out of his own face. None of this was fair. It just wasn’t. Bucky didn’t deserve to feel happiness only when he was told he was being useful. He deserved to be happy over anything and everything. What they had done to him made Steve feel sick. Made him feel useless if he was being honest. He set those feelings aside if he could get the information he needed he could fix all this. 

“There’s no way to get your Bucky back."

Her voice was always in Steve’s head. That sentence keeping him at night. 

It was wrong, he had decided that before they had even left Texas. Miriam Jones had said that, told him that Bucky had been programmed beyond repair. Steve didn’t believe it. She had just wanted him to stop looking. To stop digging. But he wasn’t going to. He was never going to stop. There was always a kill switch. Always a way to fix what had been done. And yes, Bucky would probably never be the same as he once was, wouldn’t be the kid from Brooklyn anymore. But that didn’t matter because he wouldn’t be the asset anymore. 

He would be Bucky again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking longer than normal to update! I just moved and now I'm kinda living in 2 houses (on and off) but one doesn't have WIFI and I didn't realize so I couldn't access my stories. 
> 
> Let me know what you think!!


	3. Chapter 3

Steve had forgotten how cold winter was in Russia. Sam and Clint looked to be on the same boat as him while Nat and Bucky just stood there. But then again, Bucky could be feeling anything and not show it. It didn’t help that they were outside with snow falling. It also didn’t help that it was the dead of night. 

It was freezing, even for Steve who ran hot, and it was dark but it was good cover. The base wasn’t guarded with people but from the plans, it would take a while to get to the room where Bucky had been operated on. There was a series of corridors that looked like a maze, and the fifty-year-old map was hardly a massive help. The biggest worry was that there were Hydra agents nearby that could be sent to the base if they tripped anything up and were found. 

Everyone was hopeful that wouldn’t happen because of Bucky’s codes. But plans could go askew and they needed to be ready. 

“Ready?” Steve asked. 

They were hiding behind the tree line of the Russian forest. The base was only a few meters away, they had been monitoring it for two hours just in case. Surprises weren’t something they wanted. 

“Yeah,” Sam nodded, rubbing his arms. “I just want to get inside.”

“It’ll be just as cold inside as out,” Clint replied. “I doubt they have central heating.”

“A man can dream.”

As they stood another gust of the freezing air swept through the trees. “Stay to the plan,” Steve commanded as they walked to the base. “Everyone stick together and stay quiet.” 

The back of the base didn’t look run down but it wasn’t being maintained. In terms of size, Steve was surprised, the map had made it seem a lot bigger. The entire thing was about the size of his apartment in DC, but it went underground as well. It had been built of stones, like an old castle, and the only sign of abandonment where the vines growing up and down the walls. The door was wooden and didn’t look like the top line tech Hydra usually used. The entire look gave off a creepy vibe, from the howling wind in the trees to the dark castle looming over them. It wasn’t a place Steve would choose to go. 

“This isn’t terrifying,” Sam muttered, sharing Steve’s opinion. 

Bucky stepped up and touched the wooden door, frowning. Steve was about to step in and ask what was wrong when he stepped to the side and pressed a stone. The stone moved into the wall and a panel came out. Using his right hand, Bucky pressed in the code and the wooden doors slide open. 

“Well done,” Steve said as they walked in. The two of them took point, Sam and Clint flanking them and Nat bringing up the rear. They were silent as they walked through the castle, watching for anything that might bring trouble. Everyone sighed in relief when they got to the office. 

Inside the castle was vastly different. The technology was outdated, probably from around the ’70’s, but it looked nothing like the medieval castle that Steve had assumed to be. It wasn’t that bad. Almost like a reception to a hospital, not what he expected Zola to have if he was being honest. The office had white walls, a polished wood desk, and even a three seater sofa. Again, Bucky went over to the panel on the wall and pushed some buttons. 

“Voice activation required,” the panel said in a robotic voice.

“The Asset. TA001.”

“Approved.” 

Another panel appeared beside the first one, the wall moving to make way for it. Bucky typed into it for a moment before speaking again. “Activate kill switch for all surveillance.”

“Denied.”

“Override, The Asset. TA001. Activate kill switch for all surveillance.”

“Approved.”

Bucky turned back to Steve, “it’s done.”

“Will they know it was you?” Sam asked, “that did it?”

“No.”

He didn’t say anything else so Sam assumed that was the end of that conversation. Bucky was very direct whenever he talked. It was as if he only had a certain amount of words per day and he didn't want to waste them. With his background, Sam couldn’t be sure that wasn’t actually the case. 

“Let’s go,” Steve muttered. They all filed out of the office in the same position and followed the map. According to the plans, there was an underground area that had the surgery area and, hopefully, information. 

As they were walking Nat pulled out her phone, laughing lightly. “That senator who’s been harassing us? Stark just outed him as being Hydra.” 

“Really?” Clint asked, taking the phone.

“Good ol’ Joe’s been arrested,” she replied. “Guess he can’t arrest us now.” 

Steve rolled his eyes, but he was smiling at the news. One less Hydra agent off the streets - and more concerning out of the Government. They were silent again as they walked down the stairs. The map was right, the bottom of the stairs opened up into a hospital looking room. It seemed to be split into three areas. Near the stairs were filing cabinets and a desk, in one corner was a hospital bed and medical equipment. As much it pained him, Steve was thankful the surgery took place in a clean and well set up environment. If it was this place vs a dirty shack, Steve would take the castle. The other corner made Bucky whimper, causing everyone to stop in the tracks. Bucky never whimpered. 

“Buck?” Steve asked, all previous thoughts gone. 

The other corner had a black chair. It had restraints on the arms and a weird headpiece circling above it. For a moment Steve was confused at why a chair had Bucky in such a panic. Then he remembered what Bucky had said. He had never outright described the chair but Steve knew about it enough. Bucky had stepped back, and closer to Steve, his eyes not leaving the chair. 

“Bucky?” Steve tried again, wanting to hug him. “It’s okay. I doubt it even works anymore.”

“Please,” Bucky muttered as he started to shake. “I won’t misbehave anymore. I won’t have any more wrong thoughts. Please, I - I promise.” 

“It’s okay,” Steve said, resting his hand on Bucky’s shoulder. God, he must have thought they were bringing him to get wiped again. After the incident with memories from this base a few days ago it wasn’t surprising he was upset. The others left them alone, already searching through the file cabinets. They would be keeping an eye on them, making sure Bucky didn’t flip out. “You’re not going in the chair.”

“Please,” he whispered again. Steve didn’t think Bucky could even hear him. “I don’t wont to forget.”

Steve felt tears come to his eyes. “You won’t,” he said firmly. “No one is taking your memories anymore.”

“Promise?” Bucky whispered so quietly Steve hardly heard it. 

“Promise.” 

The shaking stopped as he folded his fingers together. He stayed like that for a few moments, his eyes not leaving the chair before he nodded and stood to attention again. “I am mission-ready now.” 

Watching him for another moment Steve nodded. He didn’t want to make Bucky work but he liked having something to do when he was upset and he was just hoping it worked for Bucky as well. Not leaving each other sides they walked over to the others. Nat already had a file for Steve to look over. It wasn’t about Bucky but it did have a list of people they could visit (if they were alive) after this. 

They continued in relative silence, going through file after file. It was becoming a little tedious after the fifth hours. Then Sam cried out ‘hah’ and pulled out ten files tied together. 

“The Winter Soldier Files,” he read. The first page of the first file was a picture of Bucky laying on the table in Azzano. Steve saw red. He knew Bucky was different after he came back, but he just assumed it was from the torture. After he found out Bucky had survived it became clearer that something was up, but he had never expected this. Zola had been using Bucky since the middle of the war. Steve wanted to punch something. 

“Test subject 28, Barnes, James Buchanan,” Sam started skimming through the document, reading what was important. “Day 1, Test Subject survived the first round of injections. Did not react to electrocution as suspected. Voltage needs to be adjusted. Day 4, Test Subject is still alive. Second round of injections starting tomorrow. Day 10, Test Subject reacted to get third and final round of injections before having his second wipe. Day 12, Test Subject forgot where he was in the wipe. Voltage needs to be adjusted,” he closed the file, “that’s it.”

Steve really wanted to punch something. 

He pulled out the second file. “Barnes escaped with Captain America. He has the serum in his veins. It will be good to see how it effects him. Without maintenance, I am expecting death within a week. Test Subject 29 starts tomorrow.” 

There were charts and medical information about Bucky in that file, but nothing on the Winter Soldier. It was mainly stuff about the serum. 

“It’s a letter,” Sam said. “We have recovered Test Subject 28’s body. He is alive after falling off a train, which means the serum worked. He is a super soldier. He lost his left arm, we are replacing it with a metal prosthetic which will enhance his abilities. He should be ready in less than a month.”

Sam flicked to the next page, “a month later,” he said. “The asset is not responding how we want, he remembers too much. We are increasing the voltage of the chair to see what happens. If this does not work we will start the reprogramming techniques. He will soon be more machine than person.”

Steve punched the wall. 

“Three days later,” Sam continued. “The chair showed desired effects but only for six hours. He then remembered more and started yelling for Steve again.”

Steve punched the wall again.

“After the wipe tomorrow we will try the reprogramming techniques. If this fails isolation will be used, it’s a common brainwashing tool but it works. We will start with three days and see how it affects the asset,” Sam flipped the page. “Two days later. The wipe and reprogramming technique worked for seventeen hours and then the asset remembered again. Isolation has started. The asset screamed until he lost his voice and continued punching the door with his metal arm until we sedated him.”

Steve punched a filing cabinet. 

“Three days later. We brought the asset out of isolation, wiped and reprogrammed him. He seems to be responding well. It has been ten hours and no sign of resisting. I am hopeful that this works. A day later. The asset is being put in isolation for three weeks, this will break him down and make the reprogramming easier.”

Natasha gritted her teeth and balled her hands into fists.

“Three weeks later. When the asset was brought out he cried and begged us to not put him in the isolation again. I ordered another week. It’s easier to break someone who’s already cracked after all,” Sam had to pause so he didn’t hit something as well. “A week later. The asset was brought out, wiped and reprogrammed. After twenty-four hours we brought in the prisoner, the asset shot him without hesitation before having a large panic attack. Three more weeks in isolation.”

Steve punched the wall again.

“Three weeks later. The asset was brought out, crying like last time. He was wiped, reprogrammed and shot another prisoner. He did not panic this time. The asset responds better to positive reinforcement, he was happy when we told him he was good. After three days he started remembering again. Six weeks in isolation. Six weeks later, the asset was brought out, he didn’t cry this time. He was wiped and reprogrammed. Two weeks later, the asset remembered Steve Rogers again. We put him back in the chair and he forgot again. Two weeks seems to be the maximum amount of time he can be out for. Will test more for this later. Training begins this afternoon.” 

That file was done so Sam pulled out the next one. It had Bucky’s schedule on it, a simple timetable like he had at school. He lay it out and let the others read it. Every day was the same thing; wake up at five, physically train until nine. Practice using his new hand till eleven. More training until two. It stopped then, picking up at two thirty with weapons training until five. Sam felt sick, and he was sure everyone else felt the same way as they read it. At five he was brought back to fight more until seven. Apparently, he was being taught Russian, since he got language classes until nine. Then it was back to training, Sam couldn’t imagine what his body was going through during this time. And then he was sent to sleep at eleven. A wipe happened at the end of every week. 

“I think I’m going to be sick,” Steve whispered stepping away. 

They had treated his best friend as an experiment. Nothing more than a guinea pig they could poke at. He walked over to the chair and broke the headpiece of the actual chair, throwing it against the wall. A whimper from Bucky calmed him down a bit, he took a deep breath and walked back to the group. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Clint muttered. 

“These files are what we were looking for,” Nat said. “That’s good. One of these will have something.” 

“Yeah,” Steve squared his shoulders. 

“Bucky, do you remember any of this?” Sam asked.

Bucky shook his head. “Weekly wipes were too much.”

“Too much?” Steve prompted. 

“The Russians knew that I only had wipes every two weeks with them. I would forget commands with weekly wipes.”

“You’re never going to be wiped again, I promise you that,” Steve muttered. He was about to continue, ask about the rest of the files when his phone rang. A frown settled on his face, only people in that room had his number. “Hello?” He asked when he answered. 

Steve would recognize that voice anywhere. “Cap, how are you?”

“Tony.”

“Look, I’m sure you don’t want to talk to me. I get it, but you need to come to Vienna from where ever you are.” 

“Why?”

“There’s an UN meeting happening, it’s all about you guys.”

“So you’re inviting us to get arrested?” 

There was a pause, “okay. I can see where that’s coming from. But no, they’re discussing how to bring you in. If you guys come and tell them what you’ve been doing then you might get a pardon. I know you don’t believe me, I wouldn’t, but I swear. This is a meeting you want to be at. The meeting’s tomorrow. It’s totally above board. No one at the table has any ties to Hydra. Also, I don’t think they want to arrest you guys anyway.”

“I don’t know if I -“

“I looked them all up, none are Hydra and they all want to take Hydra down. It’s their new big project and everything.”

“It’s not me, I can’t risk losing Bucky.”

Bucky’s eyes snapped away from the chair and to Steve when he heard his name. Tony didn’t miss a beat. “Basically all the members were in support of Bucky not fighting, one of them even called me to have a go. Okay, talk it over with the others and I’ll send you all the info.” 

“I’ll talk to the others,” Steve relented. They said their goodbyes and he closed the flip phone and slipped it back into his pocket. “Guess we’re going to Vienna.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will they find what they need??? 
> 
> Let me know what you think :)


	4. Chapter 4

“Mr. Stark, I am aware of your connections with Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes but we still need you to testify.”

“Why would I testify against them?” Tony snapped back, already done with the man on the other end of the line. “I happen to think they haven’t done anything wrong.”

The senator, (John? Tony hadn’t really listened) sighed. “I understand it isn’t the best of circumstances for anyone. But, Captain Rogers and everyone involved needs to be brought to justice. They can’t run around the world killing people and destroying anything they see fit to destroy. That is not how the world works, Mr. Stark.”

“I trust Steve more than the laws,” Tony replied. 

“You were involved with the initial stages of this. I seem to recall your name being presented to me three years ago, you wanted Sergeant Barnes to fight just like me and the American military.”

“I was wrong,” Tony conceded. He had been thinking on this problem for a long time, ever since he saw Sam a year ago. “I acted prematurely and it would have resulted in a lot more suffering for everyone if it had gone through.”

“It doesn’t matter what you think, Mr. Stark, it matters what the law dedicates. They have broken the law.”

“Haven’t we all?” Tony asked, reading from the screen Jarvis had just pulled up. Turns out the senator on the phone - it was John - was known for taking a little to much in order to look the other way. “Senator, I don’t know anything. Steve could be in space for all I know, I haven’t spoken to them in a year.”

Another sigh, “I need the information, Mr. Stark.”

“Why?” Tony asked, already getting Jarvis to scan through John’s life. He was hardly ever contacted about Steve and the rest of them anymore. He figured something was happening soon that John wanted to make a good impression at. It wouldn’t be the first time a wannabe politician tried to bring Cap in to look better. John wasn’t that low down on the scale, but he could be higher. Jarvis pulled up a memo about UN meeting that John had been invited to. 

A meeting about Steve, Hydra, and all the other problems that had been raised over the last three years. Captain America harbouring a furtive - then being one himself - didn’t look so good. Tony was surprised it had taken so long for the UN to actually get involved. “You want to take a nice file full of evidence and information to Vienna and hope for a promotion? You're in luck looks like your boss is about to step down and retire. But, the file must be empty if you’re coming to me, and that won’t look so good.”

Jarvis pulled up another screen and held it in front of Tony, who frowned at it, reading it over as quickly as he could. He couldn’t be certain of what was in front of him, he needed a little bit more. But John was defiantly very friendly with some known Hydra agents, a little too friendly for Tony. A moment later another screen was up, this was more conclusive. Money from a senior Hydra agent sent to his account, nearly half a million dollars over the course of two months. Pretty damning stuff. Even if he wasn’t Hydra, he certainly was helping them. 

“Mr. Stark, I don’t appreciate -“

“Look, John-“

“It’s Joe.”

Tony looked closer at the screen and nodded, pursing his lips. “Huh, so it is. Anyway, Joe, I don’t really care what you appreciate and want you don’t. I appreciate an aged whiskey but here I am with nothing in my hand. Do you have anything to say that doesn’t involve Steve Rogers or any of his loved ones?” 

“You’re going to be arrested,” John-no-Joe replied through gritted teeth. 

“Please enlighten me,” Tony replied as dry as he could. He wasn’t the one who was about to be arrested. 

“Any individual with withheld information on Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes, Natasha Romanoff, Sam Wilson or Clint Barton is breaking the law.”

“I don’t have any information,” Tony replied. Joe scoffed. “No really, I don’t. They’ve covered their tracks well.”

“And how hard are you looking?”

A laugh escaped Tony’s lips. “You got me, I looked for about an hour. Now, I’m going to go and design a new Iron Man suit and you’re going to go and get arrested.”

“Why’s that?” 

“Because,” Tony replied pressing a button on the hologram projection. “I pulled a Black Widow and dumped all your files on the internet. Hope you don’t mind.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone line, a moment later there was a muffled ‘shit’ and fast typing. Tony stayed quiet as Joe read through the files Tony had put onto Twitter. He had even tagged the NYPD. Joe swore again and started shouting at Tony, who wasn’t listening to him at all. Instead, he was watching the numbers tick up on the post. Joe was done for because of one little button. One little button and the decision to support Hydra. That was hardly Tony’s fault. 

“Are you done?” Tony asked over the yelling. “You’re going to give me a headache.”

“You piece of absolute-“

“Just be thankful I didn’t tag Natasha.” 

“You’re dead, Stark, we’ll get you for this.”

Tony just laughed and hung up. He had another - more important - person to call. “Cap, how are you?”

~~

“Do we need to leave right now?” Clint asked as Steve started pulling out every file from that filing cabinet. 

“Yes,” Steve replied. “Bucky, can you please take all the files from that cabinet and put them on the desk? The meeting is soon and we need to be there. We can get out names cleared.”

Bucky nodded and started working, as did Nat. “So we’re going to Vienna?”

“The UN meeting,” Steve agreed, not looking at her.

“No offense but they kinda want to arrest us,” Sam said. 

“Tony said they don’t actually want to, they want to take down Hydra just as much as we do. They’re not going to lock us up if we’re the best bet to do so. Apparently. I trust us to get out if we need to get out anyway.”

Nat shrugged, “okay.”

“Thanks,” Steve muttered as he continued pulling out files. Sam and Clint started on the own cabinets, dumping everything on the desk. “Anything with Bucky’s name or any of his aliases needs to come with us. We need to be in Vienna as soon as possible.” 

They got to work, sorting through every file in the room. It took them another five hours, even without reading each file. By the end of it, they had about seventy thick files of information to sort through. Each person grabbed a pile and they all got out of the base, still on guard. Who knew if some Hydra agent was lurking around the corner. 

“When does the UN meeting start?” Sam asked when they were in their car.

“Tomorrow, eleven am.” 

“How are we going to get to Vienna by eleven tomorrow?” Nat asked.

“I was hoping you knew something.”

She went to ask why they hadn’t left as soon as Tony called. It made more sense logically and Steve was a one of the most logical men she knew. His thought process didn’t make much sense today. But then she looked in the rearview mirror and realized why. Steve was sitting in the very back with Bucky and he was trying to get Bucky to wear a scarf - where the scarf had come from Nat didn’t know. She knew that Steve cared for Bucky more than himself but seeing that, seeing him trying to warm up a soldier who didn’t know that he was a person, made her see it in a new light. He would rather be on the run for his entire life with Bucky Barnes then clear their names and keep his autonomy away. 

“Does anyone know how to fly an old Soviet prop plane?”

“Yes,” Bucky said, relenting and letting Steve wrap him up. Nat had to think that he looked very cute.

“Great, I can get us one.”

“You can get us a plane?” Sam asked. “How?” 

“A friend owes me.” 

“What?”

“That’s all I’m saying.”

~~

It turns out that Bucky was very good at flying planes, old ones especially. He and Steve were sitting in the cockpit together, Steve didn’t really know how to fly this type of plane but it calmed Bucky to have his handler near him. The rest of them were going through the files they had taken, most of them weren’t helpful. They had just been in western Russia so the flight wasn’t all that long, which Steve was thankful for. He really wanted to be at that meeting. 

Bucky didn’t deserve to be hunted all his life. In Steve’s eyes, he had never actually broken a law, well, not entirely. Technically he had broken into Steve’s apartment when he first arrived, but Steve didn’t need to bring that up. he hardly minded. All the laws he had broken was because he was made to. Even now, everything he did was because he was ordered to by Steve (the thought made Steve feel like he was going to be sick - no matter how true it was). It meant he shouldn’t be held accountable. Steve wasn’t going to let anyone hold him accountable for this. 

This meeting in Vienna should help with that. Some of the files he had taken showed how they reprogrammed Bucky to follow every command. He could use those, they were how was going to prove Bucky’s innocence. And hopefully, the other files had something on how to deprogram him. 

Iris Sandler’s words swam around his head. That the programming in Bucky’s head now was a new thing, something that had been developed after Zola had died. If that was true there might not be a cure in these files. There might not be a cure in any file. Steve shook his head. He wasn’t going to think like that, he wasn’t going to stop until he had a cure. It didn’t matter where the cure was. Or what he had to do to get it. 

“Starting descent,” Bucky said into his mouthpiece. 

Steve watched the others prepare to land, thoughts of thanks running through him. It wasn’t unusual for him to look to his friends when he was lost in his own head. They had sacrificed so much for him, and not for the first time, Steve thought he wouldn’t trade any of them for anyone else. 

“Where are we landing?” Steve asked.

“Abandoned airstrip. Approximately two hours from Vienna central.”

“Great,” Steve muttered looking at the clock. They had four hours to get to UN building, which meant they had time to spare. He looked over at Bucky. “Are you going to be okay today?” 

“Yes?” Bucky asked, not really looking at Steve. It sounded more like a question than a statement. 

“Do you know what we’re doing?”

Bucky didn’t look away from the controls as he spoke, “a meeting with the UN.”

“Do you know what the UN is?” Steve asked and Bucky shook his head. “It’s a group of people that are trying to make the world more peaceful. They try and stop big scale crimes. We’re going to clear your name.”

“My name?”

“They think you’re with Hydra, which is bad.”

“I’m not Hydra’s,” Bucky replied. Steve was going to reassure him that the knew that, but Bucky spoke first. “I’m yours.”

That’s not how Steve wanted to hear that sentence. Steve never wanted to hear that. He didn’t want Bucky to think that. But, for the time being, he had to deal with it. So he nodded once and let the conversation drop. Even if Bucky thought he was Steve’s weapon and not a person it was better than if he was with Hydra. Steve, at least, tried to make Bucky safe and comfortable. 

The plane was landed a few minutes later, everyone had packed up the files and they were in a borrowed (stolen) car. Steve was giving Bucky the rundown on how he had to behave in the meeting room. As much as Bucky didn’t want to hurt people, his conditioning told him to protect his master no matter what. These people may start trying to fight Steve and he didn’t want Bucky to take them as a threat. Bucky seemed to be taking it to heart, nodding and promising he would be good. 

Sam was still going through the files as they drove, and once Bucky was up to speed, Steve started reading as well. Most of it was just the same. People making observations about Bucky and how he worked. One of the files was actually a diary of all of Bucky’s missions pre-1964. 

“We’re here,” Nat said from the front. “Maybe, uh, two minutes?”

“They’re not going to like us bringing weapons in,” Clint muttered. “Remember the time we tried to sneak that gun into the UN building in ’08? They nearly shot us.”

“Only because you messed up,” she replied smoothly. “I got all my weapons into the US Senate chamber in ’09.”

“You two led very interesting lives,” Sam piped in. 

Both of them smirked in tandem. “Don’t worry,” Nat said. “We can bring in our stuff.”

Steve looked down at his shield that was standing by his feet, he didn’t like the idea of not having something to protect him and Bucky. And Nat always carried a few guns on her person. So did Clint, and more so Sam. Steve doubted they would want to be naked any more than he did. 

“We should just walk straight in,” Clint said. “Like a ‘try and stop us’ march or something.”

“That could work, it would get us in,” Nat nodded.

“Or in a cell,” Sam added.

“They’re not going to arrest us,” Nat shook her head. “They need us.”

“We’re trouble for them,” Steve interjected.

She shook her head again, “the public misses you. The UN knows that and they don't want a whole lot of angry people swarming them if they arrest you. Actually,” she paused for a moment. “I think Clint’s idea is perfect. We need the media, and the people, to know we’re here.”

“Less likely to get arrested that way,” Sam muttered. “Less likely to disappear.” 

“Exactly,” Clint said. “You should listen to me more.”

“No,” Nat replied instantly, but a smile grew on her face. 

A moment later she was parking in the parking lot opposite the building. Already there was a swarm of journalists outside with microphones and cameras. It was perfect. They suited up as best they could in the car. Already they were wearing their uniforms, the clothes the public was used to seeing. They were tattered and old, but it went with the aesthetic of them. Steve made sure Bucky was okay and that the files that helped were with them before they were out of the car. 

Instantly there were people yelling and pointing at them. Steve kept Bucky right by his side as they walked to the building. All of them walked like they were on a mission, and they kind of were. The journalists were yelling out different questions as they walked through the crowd. No one got any answers. At the door, there was a man in a military uniform looking very confused. 

“No pass, no entrance,” he said shakily over the journalists still yelling.

“Let us in,” Steve said. “We need to talk to some important people in there.”

“I can’t disobey my orders.”

“New orders from Captain Rogers, open the door.”

His eyes went wide and his gaze darted from Steve to the others; lingering on Bucky. “Uh, yeah, okay. I think,” he stepped back and opened the door. Nat and Clint walked in first, followed by Sam. “Man I’m going to get fired,” he muttered as they walked past him. 

“Don’t worry,” Steve patted his shoulder as he and Bucky walked in. “I’ll tell put in a good word for you.”

People jumped out of their way as they walked down the hallways to the meeting. People looked afraid of them, or maybe just Bucky, but still. He didn’t really know what to make of the looks that were being thrown at them. Some were yelling at them, telling them that they deserved prison or death. Others were smiling in support or encouraging them as they walked. Nat and Clint had their expressions perfectly calm the entire time, Sam slipped a few times like when someone yelled out ‘murderers’ as they walked past. Bucky, for his part, didn’t even look like he was there, staring straight ahead and walking in perfect tandem with Steve. Steve didn’t know how he looked, he hoped that he looked stoic and heroic but, really, he doubted it.

The meeting hall was bigger than Steve had expected. There were rows of chairs and desks all facing a podium in front of big windows. The room was full of around two hundred people with people though, different flags sitting on desks and milling about. Which meant the meeting hadn’t started yet. When they walked in, the doors banging open curiosity of Clint, everyone turned to stare, their jaws dropping and eyes widening. 

“Captain Rogers,” the man at the podium said. “We were not expecting you.” 

Steve shrugged a little, “I think we have some things to discuss.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!
> 
> This was supposed to happen two chapters ago, but here we are - not following my plan like always! 
> 
> Hope you like it, and let me know what you think!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning in place! 
> 
> *spoilers* 
> 
> Details of many injuries sustained during a 'punishment'.

There was an uneasy silence over the room as they took seats at the front of the room. 

“I suppose so,” the man said. “We are here to discuss you.”

“That’s why we’re here,” Steve nodded.

“Before we get into that,” someone from the group behind them shouted, “we should arrest Barnes.”

Steve didn’t turn around but he did speak to that man. “Try and arrest him, I’m sure that will work.”

“Is he a threat?” The man at the podium asked, looking at Bucky’s left arm. 

“Only if you are,” Steve replied. 

The man nodded, apparently expecting that as a soft no. There was another silence, everyone trying to think ahead. Trying to figure out why they were all here. Trying to figure out their plan. Steve kind of felt bad for them, they had expected to be able to decide what happens to him without worrying about him actually being here. And now he had arrived. They all had. Steve hadn’t thought that they were going to be as forward against him but apparently, that wasn't the case. If the man from behind them was anything to go off.

Everyone else moved to take their own seats, resizing that Steve and his team wasn’t going anywhere. Steve didn’t know if someone was supposed to be sitting here, there were no flags, but he ultimately decided that it didn’t matter. They could find a different chair to sit in. They were the only ones in their row but across the aisle sat some US senators, Steve wondered where Joe was supposed to be sitting. Becuase right now he was in a prison cell. Steve smirked slightly, Sam catching his eye with his own smirk. 

Once everyone was sitting in their seats silently the man at the podium started speaking again. “My name is T’Challa, king of Wakanda. We are here because of Captain Rogers and his team,” he gestured to them. “This issue is being settled with the UN instead of in court because this affects all countries. Our first job is to figure out what to do with them as we know that they are guilty. Our second job is to find out if Sergeant Barnes is guilty of the crimes committed under Hydra, and I guess under you, Captain Rogers.”

Steve stood up, he didn’t know how a normal UN meeting worked but he also didn’t really care. He was doing it his way. “I have all the evidence you need to prove Bucky was not in control of his actions, that he hasn’t been in control of his actions since 1945.”

“These files,” Natasha continued, standing and handing the stack to T’Challa. “Are the proof you need. Inside describes the brainwashing and deprogramming techniques used on Bucky in order to make him into the winter soldier. He hasn't had a choice in what happens for a very long time, as described in these files.”

“If they wanted to submit files to this meeting they should have done so before Wednesday,” a random woman said. “This isn’t proper proceedings.”

Natasha turned around, addressing everyone in the room. “We didn’t know about this meeting until late last night. We didn’t have time to send over copies of these files that we found yesterday.”

“Doesn’t matter,” the lady continued. “They can’t be looked at.”

“I’ll allow it,” T’Challa replied reading over the first file of the bunch. “Under unconventional circumstances,” there was a noise of disapproval but no further comments. “These files have a lot of information in them. It will take time to read over them,” he turned to Steve, “what do you suggest we do with them?”

“I’d suggest that you read them aloud to everyone in the room. So they can see hear it for themselves.” 

T’Challa nodded in agreement and started. “This entry is from October 1943 when Sergeant Barnes was taken as a POW for the first time. Test subject 28, Barnes, James Buchanan. Day 1, Test Subject survived the first round of injections. Did not react to electrocution as suspected. Voltage needs to be adjusted. Day 4, Test Subject is still alive.”

There were a few gasps as he continued to read through the files and Steve wanted to scream. That was nothing compared to what he had gone through later. He had to relax his muscles when he realized that his grip was denting the table. His jaw stayed clench thought. Listening to this recap of the nightmare Bucky went through had been hard the first time but it was mostly anger. Right now he couldn’t get angry but he could get sad. Each new horror caused Steve to flinch. 

Bucky stayed silent the entire time. He didn’t move, he didn’t react, to anything T’Challa read. He just sat there blankly. It looked like he didn’t know that they were talking about him. The only time he moved was when he looked around the room. His head never moved but he was constancy surveying. Steve looked over at him a few times, to check, and each time he was greeted with the same blank face. He didn’t doubt this stony face of indifference wouldn’t haunt his nightmares when this was over. Steve wondered what was going through his mind right now. 

It was nearly six hours later when T’Challa opened the final file and Steve sighed in relief that it was nearly over. “Mission report, May 1979. The asset saw a Captain America war memorial sight in Brooklyn and malfunctioned. He attacked his handler and tried to escape the others. We found him in an abandoned house in Brooklyn, he was slowly starting to remember what had happened. Four doses of tranquilizers were administered. The asset fell unconscious and we brought him back to the mission base - a hotel in downtown New York. When he had awoken the parallelizing drugs were used. Ten doses needed to be used in order for it to work. When he was drugged the punishment commenced. All five handlers took their turns beating the asset. Each handler had twenty minutes to do whatever they wanted,” he paused. It was the first time he had lost composure as he read the files. But now he looked sick. 

Steve braced himself for what was coming. 

“Injury report as follows: right femur and fibula broken, knee dislocated and all five toes broken. Left kneecap shattered, ankle snapped, twenty lacerations on the thigh. Pelvis broken. Sixty belt whips on the ass. Thirty lacerations on the lower back. Fifteen lacerations on the stomach as well as internal bleeding. Right wrist and elbow dislocated, shoulder tendon snapped and fractured upper humerus. Shallow slice across the neck and severe trauma to the windpipe. Broken nose and fifty lacerations to the face. Bruises across the whole body. After this stage of the punishment was administered the asset was submerged in ice water for ten-three minute intervals. He was then electrocuted across the body, focusing on the head. After the punishment, the asset was taken to the chair for reprogramming.”

“Bucky,” Steve asked as quietly as he could. No one else could hear them, “do you remember this?”

“Yes,” Bucky muttered. “I remember running, but not the reason why. They left the punishment in so I would not do it again. I won’t do it again.”

“What they did,” Steve sighed. “It wasn’t okay. You didn’t deserve it.”

For the first time since they arrived, Bucky turned to look at Steve. “I broke the rule. I got punished. I deserved it.”

“No,” Steve shook his head. “You didn’t. I swear.”

Bucky seemed to consider what had been said. Tilting his head to the side and frowning ever so slightly. What he was going to say was interrupted with T’Challa speaking again. “I suggest a recess for the night. We can continue this at seven am tomorrow morning.”

People started getting up and leaving, most had pale faces, shocked expressions and a few even had tears in their eyes. Steve didn’t think he looked any better. Nat, Sam, and Clint sat beside them until everyone else had left, they didn’t look better than anyone else either. Even Nat, who was usually so good at hiding her feelings, looked pale and sick. 

“You alright?” Sam asked when they were alone. “Both of you?”

“Fine,” Steve muttered as Bucky nodded. “Just glad it’s over.”

T’Challa walked over to them, pulling a chair over so he could sit in front of them. “We’ve never actually met,” he said. “I’m T’Challa.”

Each of them said their own names (Steve said Bucky’s) even though T’Challa knew who they were and they knew it. It was just polite. “Why,” Nat asked, “are you running this meeting? Wakanda isn’t a powerhouse of a country like some others, no offense of course.”

A slight smirk appeared on T’Challa’s face and Steve had the suspicion that he was keeping something to himself. “My father was asked to run this meeting because Wakanda is a small country. We were not affected by you or by Hydra all that much. But my father passed two weeks ago, so here I am.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said.

“It was old age, I’m thankful for the time I got with him. I’d like to say thank you for coming to this meeting today. I know you weren’t supposed to come but I kind of assumed you would.”

“So what happens now?” Sam asked. 

“We open the floor for a discussion on what to do with you. I wanted this to be in a courtroom but others weren’t so forgiving. They wanted their country to have a say in what happens here, and a court wouldn’t allow that. America isn’t the only country that was affected by you.”

“We didn’t want to affect any country,” Steve said. “We were just trying to take down Hydra.”

He nodded, “I assumed so. Others aren’t as happy with what you were doing.”

“I can see why,” Steve replied. 

“What do you think is going to happen?” Clint asked. “You must know some of these people and their opinions on us.” 

“Yes, I do. Everyone wants something different. There are some here today that want your head on the spike, others want to grant all of you full pardon. Before you arrived I saw everyone but Sergeant Barnes walking away with a slap on the wrist, now I am not so sure. Those files were-“ he paused, “those files would have changed a lot of minds or swayed the views people held. But I can not say what will happen when the people come back. I simply don’t know the answer.”

“And what do you want?” She asked. 

T’Challa looked between them all. “I want the people responsible to be held accountable. I can’t see how I could, with a clear conscience, hold any of you responsible.”

Natasha nodded, pursing her lips. “Hopefully they can see what we see.” 

“Hopefully. Now I will find out if there is a spare room for you to stay in tonight. Please, have some food and get some rest. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for all of us.” 

~~

The next morning saw everyone in a different room. This room was set up so that everyone could see each other. Two large semi-circles of desks, one raised and one on the floor with a rectangle at the open end on the floor. T’Challa motioned for them to sit at the rectangle with him. It was the most on display setting but it was also the best to see everyone. Plus there was a huge window right behind them and they were only on the second story. If push came to shove they could get out easy enough. 

T’Challa had managed to find rooms for them, and they were a lot nicer than what they were used to. Their previous motel was almost hundred percent haunted according to Steve and didn’t have any pillows. Steve hadn’t slept much the night before though, but he tossed and turned comfortably. That didn’t matter now though, what mattered now was defending themselves. 

Nat had found that along with a representative, each country had sent a lawyer as well. It meant that, even if it wasn’t a courtroom, this was basically a trial. Steve felt uneasy about it all. It didn’t matter what they did, a trail was what everyone was entitled to. He kept thinking that it was a rigged meeting that would end with them having to run again no matter what. But, Tony had said that no one in the room was Hydra. That thought didn’t really settle his nerves, to be honest. 

At exactly seven am the meeting started. There were 95 countries present. These 95 countries where the biggest and most powerful as well as the ones who Hydra or Steve and his team had the biggest effect on. Some people glared at them when they walked in, others didn’t meet their gaze and others looked on with pity. Steve was hoping that pity was the most common emotion in the room. Pity would get him where he wanted. 

“Good morning,” T’Challa started. “We heard from the files yesterday and today we’re going to debate on what they bring to this conversation. I’m opening the floor to anyone now.” 

Instantly a man from Romanian spoke. “We have intel that Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes were in Romanian for a lot of their time on the run here and there. In these, approximately, nine months, there were no reports of anyone getting hurt besides Hydra agents. No property damage aside from Hydra bases. For Romanian, these people helped us. We were always going to move to pardon all charges from 2014 onwards. After hearing what Sergeant Barnes went through in the seventy years at Hydra, we move to pardon all charges against him as well.” 

“They destroyed a historical castle in Turkey,” the lady from Turkey replied. “They weren’t abandoned warehouses that they were blowing up. And it was still murder, they had no jurisdiction. They don’t deserve special treatment. Any of them. We move to press all the charges, 1945 onwards.” 

“I agree,” the senator from America replied. Why America had three senators, a representative, and a lawyer was beyond Steve. “Do you know how many millions of dollars these people have cost our country?”

“Your name was on Hydra’s list,” Nat replied easily. “You would have been killed if it wasn’t for us destroying Hydra’s plan.” 

That shut him up. 

The rest of the day went like that. A person would say something against them and they would refute it. None of their arguments held up. By the lunchtime break at one, it looked like most of the countries were on their side. Pity clear in their eyes. During the lunch break representatives were supposed to call their home countries leader and discuss what was happening, which gave Steve and the rest of them two hours to discuss amongst themselves. 

Clint suggested the go back to their hotel room, it was only a few minutes from the hall and it was less likely someone would over here them. They ended up in Sam’s room, with an order for room service. Clint was laying on the unused bed and Sam was on his. Nat, Steve, and Bucky sat around the table. 

“I think that went well,” Sam said. “Don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Clint nodded. “I think we’ve got the majority vote.”

“Don’t hold out hope yet, we don’t know how these phone calls are going to go,” Nat replied. 

“I doubt we’ll get tried,” Clint said. 

“It’s kind of a matter of what’s going to happen to Bucky,” Sam agreed. 

Nat sighed, “a lot of people are feeling sorry for him. That’s what we want, they’re not going to want to lock him up if they feel sorry. They’ll agree to let go of the charges instead.”

“Those files can’t be argued with,” Sam said. “They’re solid evidence that we can keep using.”

“They only go up to the 70’s,” Nat disagreed. “Who knows how Bucky felt after that? They can use that time as their argument.” 

“We have him right here,” Sam pointed at Bucky, who was sitting silently beside Steve. “I don’t see how they’re going to convict someone who acts like that.” 

“People aren’t always nice,” Clint muttered. 

Sam threw his back onto the pillow. “I know. At least they’re not Hydra.” 

There was a loud knock on the door and a woman called out “room service” with a friendly tone. Nat got up and helped her in, setting up the plates on the table. Clint and Sam joined them and they were silent as they ate. Steve watched Bucky with worry in his eyes. They needed to eat quite a bit but Bucky didn’t like eating. He ended up feeling sick if he ate more than a plate. But they didn’t have their shakes. It was with a heavy heart that Steve made Bucky eat the plate of pasta and the salad. He always felt sick when he ordered Bucky to do something. Even if it was for Bucky’s greater good. That excuse had run it’s course a long time ago. 

When they had finished eating they only had half an hour until they needed to be in the hall again. They decided to just go and wait there instead, maybe talk to a few of their supporters or try and sway some opinions on the way there. It didn’t matter to Steve if they swayed opinions. All that mattered to him was that Bucky was somewhat happy and safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter with the UN and then it's back to getting the Bucky we all know and love back... (if Steve can of course)


	6. Chapter 6

The meeting room was silent when they arrived. T’Challa was sitting in a chair to one side on his phone, he looked up when they walked in but didn’t move. Their table had five glasses of water on it now. Steve took one and gave it to Bucky before getting his own. It was silent for all of two minutes. 

“Well, look who it is. Knew you’d turn up.”

“Tony,” Steve said, standing. He was on guard instantly, not knowing how Tony wanted this to go. 

“Good to see you again, all of you.”

“What are you doing here?” Nat asked. They had all stood now, facing Tony. Her hand had moved so it was hovering over Bucky slightly. Steve felt gratefulness rush over him as he thought of how supportive his friends where. They truly and wholly cared for Bucky in their own ways. It gave Steve a sense of security as he faced Tony. Nat wasn’t glaring as much as she was just staring, “you’re not part of the UN.”

He shrugged lightly, “wanted to see how it all goes. Contrary to popular belief, I do like you guys.” 

“That’s why you made us all fugitives,” Sam nodded. “Makes sense.”

“I didn’t do that.”

“Don’t try and climb out of the hole you dug,” Nat scolded. “We know you were working with Ross and the military. This is an us vs them scenario and you chose them.”

Tony looked lost for words for a moment. “I made a mistake, didn’t think it would become this bad. I didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt. Rhodey had explained that it would be beneficial if we utilized all our assets. We didn’t realize just how bad it was. You get it, Cap, you gotta use all your men in a fight.”

“If you ever call Bucky an asset again I will punch you,” Steve said lowly. He had a pretty high tolerance for people annoying him. He was a patient man more often than not. But he had heard too many people calling Bucky things like asset or weapon. It wasn’t happening anymore. 

“Oh, uh, okay, yeah, sorry. I didn’t come here to fight, I’m actually completely neutral in all this. I just want to see how it goes, maybe even put in a good word for you lot. People tend to listen to Iron Man.”

“And what does Iron Man have to say?” Clint asked. 

“That I would be put out if you were in jail.”

Clint rolled his eyes and sat down. Nat was still staring at Tony angrily, her gaze never wavering. Bucky was standing just behind Steve but didn’t seem to involved in the conversation. He was looking at Tony curiously, eyes flicking between him and Steve. 

“The meetings about to resume,” Tony continued when the door opened. A steady stream of people were walking in, slowing down when they saw who was standing at the front. “I hope it all goes well,” he stepped closer and lowered his voice. “And if it doesn’t I used a jet to get here and I was thinking of going to meet Pepper in Paris. Just in case you needed a ride out of here.” 

“I heard Paris is lovely this time of year,” Nat said, her glare dropping to a smirk. “I bet Pepper will love it there.”

“We won’t be there for long,” he shrugged. “Pepper likes Rome more. See ya.”

Steve looked back at the others with a raised eyebrow. “What do you think?” 

“I think we’ve got a friend in him,” Sam said.

Nat nodded, sitting back down. “I think he feels guilty. Which we can use.”

“I’m not using his guilt, Nat, but I hope he was being sincere.” 

The doors in the back closed and T’Challa walked over. When Steve turned around he realized that all the people had arrived while they were talking. All of them were watching him, some more covertly than others. He wasn’t surprised, he had gotten used to people staring at him ever since he got the serum. People always watched him. And after a (kind of) confrontation with Iron Man? They were bound to look. Steve didn’t blame them. 

When the hall was settled, everyone seated and ready to continue, T’Challa stood. He was sweeping his gaze over everyone as he spoke. “I hope that we’re all refreshed and ready to continue the meeting. As I said before, our first job is to figure out how to deal with Captain Rogers, Agent Romanoff, Agent Barton and Mr. Wilson. Our second job is to decide if Sergeant Barnes is guilty of the crimes committed under the influence of brainwashing and what to do with him. This has become a vote of conscience more than anything. We can start with deciding on the punishment -“ Bucky stiffened and Steve grabbed his hand under the table “- for everyone but Sergeant Barnes.”

A light mummer went around the room. Natasha was smirking at the table and Clint looked as relaxed as ever. Steve guessed this wasn’t the first time they had faced the idea of punishment. Sam didn’t look as relaxed but he didn’t seem too worried. And Steve didn’t really care what they said. He had fought his way out worse situations than this. Really all he cared about today was Bucky’s sentence. 

“They were taking down Hydra,” the British representative said first. “I vote we pardon them all of crimes.”

“But why?” Russia said. “They still did it?” 

“Good Samaritan loophole,” she replied. 

T’Challa held his hand up, “there is no law in this room. We are simply here to decide on a punishment.”

“Well then I say death plenty,” Russia replied. 

“For taking down Hydra?” France said in disbelief. “We can’t punish them for doing something good. Even if the methods were a little off.”

A whole lot of people started talking at once. From what Steve could make out, most of the room was on the side of Britain and France. That they should pardoned for all crimes committed in taking down Hydra. Someone yelled out that they had stolen cars and Steve wanted to laugh - he didn’t think the UN cared about a few stolen vehicles. Another country agreed with Steve, laughing at the original country and disagreeing. It took T’Challa a few moments to get the room back on track. 

“Let’s take it to vote. On your TrackPad is an app for voting, please open it now. This is only the first stage, there are two options. Option one is to drop all charges and the second one is to continue the discussion and press the charges.”

“How can we trust Stark?” Russia called out. “He could have tampered with the app so that it goes the way he wants it to go.”

“Oh yes, I could. It would be very easy actually,” Tony said. He was sitting beside America now, one of the senators had been kicked to a plastic chair by the door. “But I didn’t do it. I promise you, I did not tamper with the voting app. Every vote will be accounted for in the correct place.”

The man didn’t look happy with the answer but didn’t bring it up again. It took a few more moments of strained silence before everyone was on the app. Steve’s hand flinched towards his shield as T’Challa opened his mouth to speak. 

“The countries present have voted to drop all charges against Captain Rogers, Agent Romanoff, Agent Barton and Mr. Wilson,” T’Challa said loud and clear. Natasha smiled at Steve and squeezed Bucky’s other hand. Clint didn’t look surprised and Sam was leaning back in his chair. T’Challa looked over at them and sent them a small smile. “There is a second part to this question of course.”

Steve looked over at Nat in confusion. She shrugged, still not looking worried. They had only been told about the initial discussion. “We are to decide if we allow Captain Rogers, Agent Romanoff, Agent Barton and Mr. Wilson to continue their self-appointed mission. I know this matter is a personal one to each country as it does affect us all. There are three choices to choose from. The options are simple; no, yes just like they have been and yes with restrictions. Please choose carefully.” 

Natasha looked back at Steve, her expression relaxed. Steve envied her ability to stay perfectly calm. Clint and Sam both seemed a bit more on edge and Bucky was just watching everyone press their buttons. This vote was marginally more important to Steve, he was going to continue no matter what - that didn’t matter. But having help, or even just not having to worry about being arrested, sounded like a good outcome. He honestly didn’t know which way it would go.

After a few moments, T’Challa cleared his throat. “Yes, just like they have been.”

“Thank god,” Clint muttered.

“It makes it a bit easier, huh?” Sam replied. 

Some of the countries didn’t look too happy with the reply. Others looked happy and some even looked impartial. Steve was just happy that he could continue. Even if they didn’t get help from the country they were in, this was good. Having easy (well, not easy but Hydra but still) access to every Hydra base meant easier access to every file. Which meant more chance to find something to help Bucky. Steve hadn’t felt as happy, as light, as he did in that moment for a very long. 

“And now we vote on Sergeant Barnes. The first vote is on whether or not he is guilty of crimes committed while brainwashed.” 

People weren’t supposed to talk as they did the voting. It was a personal matter. But there was a lot of arguments happening in mummers across the room. People were reciting and paraphrasing what had been read out yesterday as evidence and others were calling him all sorts of names. They would look over at him occasionally, watching him. Steve guessed it was to see how he was reacting to this. 

Turing to look at Bucky, Steve winced. He looked sad, he never looked sad. The only other time he looked like this was when he saw that damn chair in the Russian base. His eyes were cast downwards and scrunched up, his hair was covering his face and he was folding his fingers together. Steve reached his hand under the table and took Bucky's. Bucky looked at Steve, paused for a moment, and then let his face go back to the neutral look he always wore. “Are you okay?” Steve asked lowly. 

“Yes.”

“You don’t have to lie, it’s okay to be scared.”

“They’re voting -“ he paused “ - on me?”

Steve nodded, “yeah, Bucky. They’re voting on if you were guilty of the crimes Hydra made you commit.”

“I-“ he looked at Steve curiously and stopped speaking. 

“It’s okay, what were you going to say?”

“They are voting. But I did it. No vote.”

Bucky winced as Steve’s face went pale. “No, Bucky, you didn’t do it. They made you do it and that’s different. You didn’t have a choice. That's why they’re voting.”

“But I did it.”

“The votes are in,” T’Challa said, cutting Steve off from disagreeing with Bucky. It was never and it would never be his fault in any sense of the word in Steve’s eyes. “Please refrain from reacting negatively if the outcome is not what you intended. This was a group vote, a majority vote, which means the outcome of this vote is how the UN has voted. If you feel differently please keep it private.”

Natasha’s hand went to her hip, as did Sam’s, and Clint looked ready to jump up. The window behind them would be easy to break with his shield, the others could follow him if they needed to break out. Steve cast a quick look at his own shield, resting on his calf and ready to grab. T’Challa followed his gaze with a raised eyebrow. He and Steve looked at each other for a moment before T’Challa looked away. Steve smiled at his lap, he liked T’Challa already.

“The UN has decided that Sergeant James Barnes is not guilty of any crimes committed under the influence of brainwashing. This means that all crimes from 1945 until he is free of the programming he is under currently have been dropped.” 

Steve felt his breath catch in his throat. It never actually mattered what the vote was going to be, Steve was getting Bucky out no matter what. But knowing that at least half of the countries present supported Bucky made him feel a lot lighter. They had allies. They had countries who cared. The vast majority of the people in attendance looked happy with the result, which made Steve even happier. He looked over at Bucky, who was staring at him already.

“Do you know what’s happening?” Steve asked.

“No.”

“You’re not guilty. See, everyone in the room thinks so as well.”

“But I -“

Sam smiled at Bucky from the other end of the table. “Bucky, can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

“Did you have a choice? Did you choose who you killed or what you did?”

“No.”

“So you’re not guilty,” Natasha said, pulling him into a light hug. “You’re a good person and these people all know it.”

Steve gave him his own hug after Nat had let go. “It’s okay Bucky,” he whispered into his ear as they hugged. “We’re okay.”

~~

They left Vienna soon after the verdict was decided. It wasn’t like they weren’t unwelcome to stay but Bucky looked as tired as Steve felt so they called it quits. They were able to higher a car instead of stealing it since they were no longer fugitives and all that. Steve was driving in the front with Sam next to him, Bucky had fallen asleep behind him, leaning on Natasha. It was such a sweet and domestic sight to behold, Clint had taken a picture while ignoring many death threats. But now her and Clint had fallen asleep as well. So it was just Sam and Steve awake in the car. Sam had put on some of his music, stuff that Steve liked but didn’t really listen to and they were sitting in a calm quiet. 

A sign for Budapest came up in the headlights and Steve sighed. That’s where they were heading, they were going to find a hotel and sleep for a week. Or at least that’s what Steve was going to do. A nice bed, a warm breakfast, not having to suit up and run into the forest. For the last few weeks, everything had just been so intense, all he wanted to do was relax with Bucky. Maybe their new hotel would even have a pool.

“How you holding up?” Sam asked, breaking the silence. 

“I’m exhausted,” Steve muttered, “but I’m good. Happy with how it turned out. You?”

“I’m just happy that Bucky’s being seen as innocent, ya know? Also, the fact that we’re no longer wanted is pretty cool. That’s something I’m down for. We’re not on the run which is good.”

Steve chuckled lightly and nodded. “It’s very helpful. But, these last few months have been hard. You’re welcome to call it and go back to America now, seeing as you’re not wanted.”

“Seriously?” Sam rolled his eyes. “I didn’t follow you all the way to, where ever we are, just to be told to leave again. I chose to come here, and I am going to stay with you and Bucky until you’re better. Understand?” 

“What would I do without you?” 

“I don't know, cry a lot more?”

He nodded, “sounds right.”

“I’m dead serious, all of us are here for the long run. We care about you guys, even if you annoy the absolute hell out of me constantly.”

In the mirror Steve watched as Bucky shifted slightly, Natasha’s arm moved with him. She slowly woke up, smiling at Steve. “What’s up?” She asked softly.

“Not much,” Sam replied. “Steve’s just being Steve.”

“Asking if you want to leave?” She guessed.

“Yup.”

“We want the same as you do, Steve, so we’re staying.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “So I’ve been told. Thank you.”

“So what now?” She asked, “Captain?” 

“We keep going.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is from Bucky's perspective... 
> 
> Hope you liked this one and let me know what you think!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's Bucky's pov! This is what's going through his head as the soldier. 
> 
> Trigger Warning//  
> Self Harm and self-deprecating thoughts

Bucky didn’t dream ( _ dream - a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep _ ). He knew that people did dream, it was something that happened to others but he couldn’t remember ever dreaming. Maybe he had before the chair had gotten rid of it. Maybe he was always different, never fully human, so he didn’t. His handler, Steve (his name - Steve - was  _ important _ for a reason Bucky didn’t yet understand) wouldn’t like it if he knew Bucky thought like that. He didn’t like it when Bucky reminded him that he wasn’t a human, even if his mission was to pretend that he was. It was just that. Pretend. But his handler didn’t like it so he didn’t talk about it.

He didn’t dream. So it was extremely surprising to wake up the morning after the UN meeting about him and remember a dream from the night before. He wasn't supposed to dream but he was sure that he had dreamt as he slept in the comfortable bed of the nice  _ (nice -  _ _ giving pleasure or satisfaction; pleasant or attractive) _ hotel. Maybe he had made it up, but then weren’t all dreams made up? He wasn’t sure. He thought that he could ask his handler about it. This handler, Steve, didn’t mind if Bucky asked things. He always wanted Bucky to be happy ( _ happy - feeling or showing pleasure or contentment _ . Bucky didn’t understand this emotion very well but Steve had said it was a good thing to be happy. Bucky wasn’t so sure.)

System failure. Weapons don’t have emotions. Weapons do not feel ‘happiness’. Weapons do not disagree with handlers. Bucky classified the thought process as a ‘wrong thought’ and forgot about it. That was something he was good at. Forgetting things. Sometimes he wanted to remember things, sometimes he - system failure. Weapons only need to remember mission important details. Weapons don’t get to ‘want’. This line of thought wasn’t getting Bucky anywhere aside from a punishment, but he didn’t have punishments anymore. His handler, Steve, said that Bucky wouldn’t be punished anymore. He had promised ( _ promise - a declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified _ . Important for his handler, Steve, and him. You do not break a promise.).

System failure. Weapons don’t make promises, they do what they are told to do. 

But he didn’t want to be a weapon anymore and - System failure. Weapons do not want.

_ Major _ system failure. Bucky was a weapon. That was all he was good for.

“Bucky?” His handler, Steve, muttered from his bed. He sounded as if he was still half asleep, which wasn’t safe. If an intruder broke in his handler Steve wouldn’t be good in a fight. Either be asleep or awake. That was safer. More efficient.

System failure. Weapons don’t tell handlers what to do.

The warning in Bucky’s head came with a memory of being slapped in the face by a man wearing a silver ring. He had yelled at Bucky ‘don’t tell me what to do you little shit!’ has he hit. Bucky had nodded through the sting and committed it to his rulebook. He didn’t tell handlers what to do. That included how to sleep.

“Yes?” He finally answered as Steve flicked on the lamp that was between them. Bucky liked the orange glow that it caused. System failure. Weapons don’t like.

“Why are you awake?” He sounded more awake now and was sitting against his headboard.

“I woke up.”

“Do you want to go back to sleep?”

System failure. Weapons do not want.

“I’m okay.”

“Can’t sleep?”

“I slept,” he muttered. He really didn’t want (system failure) to tell Steve that he had dreamt as he slept. When his mind started acting up - acting more human than weapon - it meant recalibration and that  _ hurt _ .

Steve nodded, “you were talking in your sleep.”

“Did I wake you?” Bucky asked, pale-faced. His handler knew that he had dreamt. He knew and now he would be recalibrated and he didn’t want (system failure) to.

“No, I was already awake. What were you dreaming about?”

Bucky folded his fingers together. He did it when he was nervous, Steve had said it was okay to do so. It made him feel better although he didn’t know why it did. “It was confusing,” he finally confessed ( _ Confusing - bewildering or perplexing _ . Bucky knew how that felt). Lying wouldn’t make this any better. May as well try and earn back a few points in his good books. He doubted it would work. How anyone could even stand to be around him, broken and useless, he would never understand.

“Dreams can be complicated,” Steve hummed. “I have nightmares most nights, I think I’d prefer not to have anything at all. Was there anything in your dream that made your frightened?”

“No. Just confused.”

“What happened?”

_ He was laughing and dear  _ God _ he was a sight to behold. Steve Rogers was all Bucky wanted in life and there he was. Right there. Sitting in front of Bucky, laughing and smiling at him. They were so young, so naive and innocent and carefree, and so happy. They were young but Bucky already knew. He knew that he was in love, deeply in love, with his best friend. He shouldn’t be, he knew that as well, people wouldn’t like it. Best case was they got name called on the street. Worse case they were arrested and shipped off in straight jackets. Bucky kind of wanted to risk it. He’d take a lifetime of abuse just to make Steve happy. To feel his lips on his. To hold him and just, just not let go. Dear god, he didn’t want to let go of Steve. _

“I was there, in a park.”

_ They should be walking home now. The sun was setting, the entire city bathed in a warm orange glow that made Steve look like even more of an angel. Their mothers would start to worry soon but Bucky just wanted a few more minutes. A few more minutes of Steve looking beautiful as he laughed in the setting sun. He didn’t even know why they were laughing anymore. He thought it had something to do with the man walking up the path. It didn’t matter though. Steve looked over at Bucky and smiled even wider, Bucky was sure his heart stopped. _

“I was young.”

_ The two of them were standing outside Steve’s apartment. Bucky had insisted on dropping him home. ‘Just like a pretty dame’ Bucky had teased. Steve had rolled his eyes and punched Bucky’s shoulder. ‘Come on Barnes’ Steve shot back. “We both know you’re the dame in this relationship’. Bucky had laughed again, ruffling Steve’s hair and ignoring the dirty look. Steve’s ma, Sarah, was watching them through the kitchen window with a smile on her face. She always looked happy when they were laughing - she always looked knowing as well. _

“I was with you.”

_ His own mother was not so pleased when Bucky arrived home. It was well past dark. He had explained that he had been walking Steve home, that’s why he was late. His mother had rolled her eyes and playfully smacked his shoulder saying ‘you and that boy. Bucky didn’t know what she meant. Or maybe he did but he was trying not to. He  _ loved _ Steve, didn’t he? Why try and fool himself into thinking he didn’t. His ma pointed at the stove and told him to eat some soup before bed. He did and they lay in his bed. His eyes closed and his hand moving rhythmically under the sheets. And, oh god, his thoughts had drifted to Steve and wouldn’t budge. Shame ate at him when he had finished but he didn’t care. _

“I was conflicted.”

_ They had grown up. Two young adults standing shoulder to shoulder as they walked. They ignored the whispers spread. The gossip always circled back to them. A girl would see something more risqué than normal and  _ bam _ , they were the talk of the town. It was easy to ignore them. They didn’t really matter. Not anymore. Because Bucky got to take Steve back to their apartment and do things to him that girls would faint over. Because Steve was  _ his _ and it didn’t matter what people said. He was never letting the man go. They were sitting on the threadbare sofa in their room sharing slow and passionate kisses as Bucky thought this over. Well, Bucky was sitting on the sofa with Steve straddling his lap. Bucky had his hand curled in Steve’s hair and Steve had his arms around Bucky’s neck. It was bliss. _

“I was with you.”

_ “I love you,” Bucky muttered into the kiss. _

_ “I love you too,” Steve said. His voice was breathless, Bucky smirked. _

_ “Never leave me,” Bucky replied, pulling back to look into Steve’s eyes. “I couldn’t stand it.” _

_ “Didn’t take you for the romantic type,” Steve teased. His voice was back to normal, which Bucky couldn’t have, so he went back to running kissed up and down his neck. “Getting sappy on me, Barnes?” _

_ “You wish,” Bucky said in-between kisses. “Promise me something?” Steve nodded as best he could with Bucky’s head in his neck. “Promise me you’ll not leave me.” _

_ “Promise. Now promise me you’ll never leave me.” _

_ “Promise.” _

“I’m sorry.”

Steve frowned at him. It wasn’t an angry frown, more concerned than anything else. It still made Buck nervous though. This Steve, Bucky thought, wasn’t like the Steve from his dream. He was smaller then, he could fit on Bucky’s lap. This Steve was bigger than Bucky, had actual muscles and all that. Bucky thought he could still sit on his lap. (System failure - he didn’t know what kind but it was definitely a system failure.) “Why are you sorry?” Steve asked after a few beats of silence.

Bucky tilted his head. He had just admitted to dreaming and remembering something not mission critical. That wasn’t a good thing to do. It was bad and needed punishment and recalibration. Sometimes he wondered why Steve was such a strange handler. He explained why he was sorry to Steve, not mentioning the strange handler part.

There was silence in the room as Steve though over what Bucky had said. Bucky assumed he was thinking of a suitable punishment. Maybe he would bring the others in as well, it had been a very bad thing to do. That would make sense. 

Finally, he spoke. “That’s not a problem,” he said slowly as if he was still thinking. “You remembering isn’t bad and dreams are normal.”

“Not for me,” Bucky muttered.

“Yes for you,” Steve replied. “You’re human, Buck. Humans dream all the time.”

Another moment of silence as Bucky thought it over. What Steve didn’t understand was that this wasn’t real ( _ Real - actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact _ ). Bucky was a thing, that was real. But he wasn’t a real person, it was  _ pretend _ . It was just another mission that Bucky would forget about when they wiped him and put him in cryo. And it didn’t matter what Steve said, wiping and cryo always happened. So, no he wasn’t human. But he was meant to act like one so maybe dreaming just meant he was doing a good job. The thought made Bucky happy. “Okay. But I still had the wrong thoughts. In the human dream.”

“What were the wrong thoughts?”

“I-“ he hesitated. He really didn’t want (system failure) to be punished. He didn’t want his handler to hate him. Didn’t want his handler to get rid of him. Remembering his dream gave him an idea. Plucking up every ounce of courage he had he asked, very quietly, “don’t get rid of me, promise?”

“I’d never leave you,” Steve replied instantly. “And I’ll never punish you.”

“We were young, and I was - I was  _ in love  _ with you.”

_ (Love - a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person. The strong attraction felt by people who have a romantic relationship.) _

Steve tensed up and Bucky had to refrain from crying. He was so wrong and he hated himself for it. Steve was going to hate him so much now because he was sick and dirty and that wasn’t how you should feel for a handler ever and “-it’s okay, Bucky,” Steve said softly. “That’s not a wrong thought.”

“What?”

“That’s not a wrong thought, it’s what happened before Hydra. We lived in Brooklyn together and we were in love.”

Now Steve was having wrong thoughts as well. (System failure. Handlers are never wrong). But that  _ couldn’t _ be right (system failure). No one loved him because he was a weapon and people don’t love weapons. He wanted it to be right though - and that was wrong. And now he was confused and his brain was hurting (‘a headache’ Steve had said once). He was being so bad right now and he didn’t want to be bad but he wanted to love Steve and he wanted Steve to love him and - System failure. Stop thinking that.

Bucky folded his fingers together again before standing. Steve followed him with his eyes as he walked to the wall. Bucky traced the raised wallpaper with his metal fingers before smashing his forehead into it. Steve jumped up and raced over as he hit himself as hard he could again - and again and again. He kept going until Steve was able to pull him away and onto the bed.

“Why did you do that?” Steve asked urgently wiping at his forehead.

Blood came away on the forehead. Good, Bucky thought. That meant he was hitting hard and it meant he was being good again. Self-punishment was looked up at with his old handler. Mr. Pierce (Bucky called him Sir) was his name and he  _ loved _ it when Bucky hurt himself. Maybe Steve would as well and then he would love Bucky back.

(System failure. He didn’t love his handler. He couldn’t want love back.)

He raised his metal hand to his forehead, Steve dropped his own hand to let him. Bucky smiled internally. He was right. Steve wanted him to do this. He was watching and letting him move which meant Bucky was right and he was never right because he was a failure and - off topic, continue the punishment. He curled his hand into a fist before hitting the spot where the blood was coming from. Perhaps Steve had wanted to see his face, and that’s why he was taken away from the wall. One of the metal plates must have caught on the cut because blood started gushing down his face. He couldn’t see much through the thick red substance running down his eyes.

Raising his hand again he stopped when Steve yelled at him. His hand fell to his lap and he sat still. He just wanted to be good. Why could he never get it right? Tears started mixing with the blood. He sat still on the bed and turned his mind off. He didn’t want to think anymore - it hurt. Everything always hurt him so much and it wasn’t fair  _ (fair - treating people equally without favouritism or discrimination) _ and - System failure. Weapons don’t get  _ fair _ .

A warm damp cloth was pressed to his forehead and then the blood was washed from his eyes. In front of him was Steve and behind him where the others. All of them looked worried and frightened. Maybe he had been right before, Steve did want them for the punishment. That didn’t explain the expressions though.

“What were you doing?” Steve asked as he continued mopping up Bucky’s face. “Why did you do that?”

“Self-punishment.”

“What for?”

Bucky didn’t really want to get into it. “Wrong thoughts, dream, questioning my handler, wanting things. Being  _ bad _ .”

“You’re not bad,” Natasha said. “No one thinks you’re bad.”

Sam nodded, “everyone in the meeting thought you were good.”

Those people didn’t matter. Bucky wanted (system failure) to explain that. It didn’t matter what the people in the meeting thought. It only mattered what his handler, Steve, thought. Bucky wasn’t an idiot. He knew that Steve couldn’t like a failure like Bucky. It hurt to think.

“I told you punishments weren’t a thing anymore,” Save said softly. “But you hurt yourself.”

“My old handler liked it. I thought you would too. You’d like me.”

Steve’s fist clenched but the gentle wipes on his face didn’t change. “I wish I was there when that man died,” he muttered before speaking louder. “Pierce isn’t good, you are. And I don’t want to see you hurt, Buck, no matter what. Please don’t do this again.”

“You don’t want to see me hurt,” Bucky muttered in confusion. His handlers always liked it when he was in pain. But this handler was different. He gave Bucky nice things and never made him fight. He let Bucky be warm and full. Let him talk to Sam, get coffee from Clint and have Natasha braid his hair.  _ He wanted him to be happy. _ And Bucky knew that, he had been told many times, but he wanted Steve to be happy. If hurting himself made that happen that was okay with him. But it didn’t. Hurting himself made Steve sad, it made the others sad as well (he figured out why they had those expressions). “I don’t want you to hurt. Or be sad,” he said. “I want you to be happy.”

“When you’re happy I’m happy,” Steve replied. “Don’t worry about me.”

“You’re my-“ he paused. Handler wasn’t right now. It was more than that, wasn’t it? Steve was more than a handler. He had  _ loved _ Steve and Steve had loved him. That made very little sense to Bucky because Steve was a handler, technically at least. He remembered his dream again. He had called Steve  _ his _ . And he hadn’t meant handler then because Steve wasn’t his handler, was he?

All this was too confusing and his head hurt again. He wasn’t supposed to have a past, he wasn’t human but now he wasn’t so sure. Maybe he had made the dream up. He hoped not. Maybe it had happened. He hoped so. Maybe he was supposed to be in love with Steve. That sounded, well, amazing. That’s what he wanted.

It was wanted until seventy years of brainwashing caught up with him. He wasn’t allowed to love. He wasn’t capable of love. They were wrong thoughts and they should be cast aside and - and he didn’t want to do that.

System failure. Weapons do not want.

System failure. He didn’t care that he was a weapon. He wanted Steve. He wanted love again.  _ Major system failure _ .

Leaning forward slightly, Bucky wrapped both arms around Steve’s neck. Steve returned the hug instantly, even running his hand through Bucky’s hair. It felt nice. It felt like home like this was where he belonged. The thought of belonging was even nicer. And belonging to Steve was even better. This was where he wanted to be. In Steve’s arms with the others - his friends? - around them and laughter in the air. Just like that day in the park all those years ago.

System failure. Major system - Bucky tossed that thought away. It went where the wrong thoughts go.

Bucky hadn’t dreamt in a long time but he was now. He was dreaming of happiness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys like Bucky's POV? Cause I really liked writing it, would you want more?
> 
> Psssst, check out my Tumblr, come say hi... https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fanfictionwriter101


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning//
> 
> At the end, there's talk of suicide and a suicide note written. It's fake but still... please be careful!

The next morning Steve couldn’t take his eyes off Bucky. The cut on his forehead was basically healed, only a small scar remind just above the left eyes. After Bucky had asked to go back to sleep he had sat up with the others, watching Bucky in bed and wiping the tears out of his eyes constantly. Sam had handed him some basic information on a new base they could hit but he couldn’t focus enough to read it. 

Last night had hit him hard. Harder than anything else that had happened over the last three years. It was a stark reminder that Bucky wasn’t better, that he wasn’t the man Steve remembered. It was hard. Hard to process, hard to live with. Just hard. He wanted Bucky to feel safe with him, and he thought that he did - a little at least. But, then he was smashing his head into a wall and trying to hurt himself because he didn’t want Steve to hate him. Steve hated someone, and it wasn’t Bucky. 

But, after all the hurt and hatred and anger, there was something in Bucky’s eyes. When he lay back down to sleep, he had looked at Steve like he had done back In Brooklyn. There was a glimmer but it was enough to give Steve hope. He wanted to laugh at himself. The tiniest of glimmers was enough to make his heart sore. It was damn near pitiful. But at the same time, he didn’t really care. Sure, it was sad, but he had hope. And that was enough right now. He could use the hope. Use it to get through whatever else was going to happen. 

Because the look had been love. Maybe not the kind of love they had once upon a time. That kind may never return, he knew that. Bucky may never be ready or willing to be in a romantic relationship and that didn’t bother him. But, still, it was there. Under the stony indifferent expression, Bucky always held there was love. A little bit, but enough. 

“Steve,” Sam said, clicking his fingers, “you with us?” 

“Uh, yeah, what?” He muttered, snapping out of his daze. 

“We were deciding on what to do next,” Natasha replied. 

“I vote breakfast,” Clint said from Steve’s bed where he had been napping.

Natasha rolled her eyes. “We will get food,” she said in a tone that suggested he had already asked for food this morning. “But we need to discuss our plan of attack, for you know, taking down Hydra. We got permission to go to sixty countries overnight, more likely. Some of them have conditions, but the majority are cool with whatever. Which means we can hit any base without worrying now,” she handed Steve her phone. “That’s the base I think we should go to next. It’s only a few hours from here.”

“Zola was rumoured to go there sometimes during WW2, so it might have something,” Sam said. 

Steve nodded, “sounds good. Let’s-”

“-eat,” Clint interrupted. “Let’s eat breakfast.” 

“Suit up,” Steve continued anyway.

Clint groaned, “I’m hungry. I could go for waffles.”

“I could eat,” Sam shrugged.

“Fine,” Steve muttered. “There was a waffle place down the road.”

Bucky, on the bed, perked up. His eyes darted between everyone, especially Steve, and he kept opening and closing his mouth. The others were watching him as he struggled with something. Finally, his eyes settled on Steve and he shook his head, “I- I want pancakes.”

“You - you want pancakes?” Steve asked and Bucky nodded, his face paler than normal and his hands shaking. “We can get pancakes,” he said, standing. “Let’s go.”

As he stood, Bucky looked around in confusion. He was eyeing everyone as they got ready to go. Steve kept his own eye on Bucky. Worried that he was going to do something like last night. It looked more like he was about to fall asleep, but still. 

“So when he says he wants pancakes, we jump, but when I say it,” Clint grumbled as they got ready to leave. But he was smiling so Bucky didn’t feel threatened by his words. 

No one responded to him and they were out the door. As they walked down the street Steve watched Bucky. Bucky was walking just behind Sam, lost in his own world. Confusion still across his face, until he went back to impartial. 

Steve had expected Bucky to be even worse after the night they had. But this was completely unexpected. And completely welcomed. Bucky had actually chosen something, with no prompting. He had asked for pancakes. On his own accord. Steve felt a lot lighter for it. Because maybe, this meant, just maybe, that Bucky was coming back all on his own. Bucky had loved pancakes before the war, that and pizza were his favourite things to eat. So even if he didn’t know why he knew that he liked pancakes. Maybe some distant and fuzzy memory of pancakes was surfacing. 

Catching up to him, he smiled down at Bucky. “How you feeling this morning?” He asked. It seemed like an appropriate question to ask, a good way to start a conversation. 

“My injuries are gone.” 

“That’s good, but how do you feel emotionally?” 

He tensed up a little, but less than he would before. “Last night, I - I was confused. I am no longer as confused.”

“You’re still a bit confused, though? I can help with that.”

Instead of answering that question, he asked his own. “What is a blender?”

“Uh, something that mixes things together with sharp blades, why?”

“My head’s been put in a blender.”

“Oh.”

“All mixed up and confusing.”

Steve nodded, pursing his lips. “So it’s your thoughts that are confusing you?” 

“You said we knew each other.”

“I did.”

“We were friends?”

“Yes.”

“For a long time.”

“Since we were kids.”

Bucky nodded but didn’t reply. Steve watched as he thought about something, it wasn’t something pleasant if his facial expression was anything to go off. It looked like he would rather be doing anything else. Steve left him alone though, let him go through his thoughts alone. He wondered though, wondered what Bucky was thinking about. Bucky hurting was the last thing Steve wanted. He had gone through enough pain. Steve reckoned the universe owed him a break. 

But, it seemed like he was improving, little by little. Remembering things, asking questions, asking for things. This wasn’t the Bucky that Steve had gotten used to these past three years. That Bucky would rather tear his own hair out than ask a question (something Steve had dealt with before, and something he didn’t want to deal with again). This Bucky seemed more human. More like the Bucky Steve knew from before the fall. 

The diner they were going to was coming up, a neon sign boasting they had pancakes for sale. Bucky read the sign, surprise written across his face. “We’re getting pancakes?”

“You asked for them,” Steve nodded. It was then that he realised why Bucky had been confused, “you didn’t expect we’d actually get them.”

“No. I - I don’t get to want. I don’t get pancakes.”

“We’ve had pancakes before,” Steve pointed out as they walked in. “Remember that?”

Bucky nodded but didn’t look convinced. “I didn’t ask then. It wasn’t my choice.”

“You get a choice,” Steve replied. “And now you know how to use that choice. Like this morning, you chose pancakes.”

“Clint wanted waffles.”

“I’m good with pancakes,” Clint shrugged. They took their seat at a table towards the back of the diner, away from the others. They might not be wanted anymore, but people were still annoying and usually made Bucky uncomfortable. So they took a private-ish table and didn’t try to attract attention to themselves. 

An older man walked over with some menus. Setting them down, he smiled at all of them, but it lingered on Steve and Bucky. “Hi, my name’s David Budner and I’ll be your server this morning. Do you want anything to start?”

“Just some water,” Sam said. Clint coughed and Sam rolled his eyes, “and some coffee please.” 

“Sure,” he turned to Steve and Bucky, a little shy. “Sorry to be a bother, but I’d like to thank you. My parents were captured in a Hydra base that you took. You saved their lives. Both of you, and the howling commandos. If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be here. So, thanks.”

Steve lit up but tried to hide it. Bucky tilted his head, staring past the man, lost in his own head again. “You don’t need to thank us,” Steve said with a small smile. 

“But I’m going to,” he replied, turning to Bucky. “And I’m sorry, I followed the trail. What they said about you was ridiculous. You’re as much of a victim as my parents were.”

Bucky blinked. “Sue and David Bunder. Kielce, Poland.”

“Yeah. My parents. My mum was a nurse and my dad was a soldier,” David replied, his mouth agape. Everyone was staring at Bucky now, who seemed to shrink into Steve. Steve rubbed his hand under the table. “I’ll get you guys some coffee. Be right back.”

“You remember his parents?” Steve asked he could remember them now after he got their names. But he didn’t before. The fact that Bucky knew was, well, astounding. 

“Don’t want to talk,” Bucky muttered. 

“Okay, sure” Steve nodded. Turning back to the others he let Bucky slink into the shadows of his own mind. Only occasionally looking over at him, just checking on him.

~~

Natasha had lied. She lied about a lot of things, and she always had. It had been ingrained into her from childhood. Really, the only person she didn’t lie to now was Clint. Anyway, she had lied to Steve and Sam. She had told them an old friend needed her help back in America, so she was taking Clint to go. It wasn’t that bad of a lie. In truth, she was going to visit some people who had been very happy to sentence Bucky to death. 

Call her emotional but she had grown close to Bucky over the last few years. She definitely didn’t want him dead. 

She also knew that Steve didn’t like going after non-Hydra people, even if they were against them. Natasha had no such problems, she would happily do whatever to whoever. So that’s why she and Clint had hitched a ride with Tony back to the states two days ago. The first day they had spent with an old friend, though he wasn't so much of a friend anymore. He was an ex-Hydra agent, back in the Soviet Union. After renouncing Hydra he had come and worked for the good part of SHIELD, where he met Nat, running just before the crash - fearing something was wrong. He always had his ear to the ground and she was confident he would know what she needed to know. 

As most other times, she was right. They walked out of his apartment with a list of people they would be paying a visit. 

The first man on the list was another senator. This one wasn’t so lowly. No, he held a lot of power. Power that Natasha intended on using to her own gain. His house was easy to get into, a simple knife to the locked window and both were in his kitchen. Clint stayed in there while Nat went to get him. He was admiring the set of knives when they walked in, well Nat walked and he was dragged. 

Clint picked up one of the knives up and twirled it around in his hands (Bucky had taught him on the road). The man paled. (Bucky was a good teacher even in the asset mindset). He was sat on a chair and Nat picked up his phone.

“Open this for me.”

“No,” he spat.

“I will cut your thumb off.”

He opened it. Working quickly, she opened Twitter and sent out a quick tweet. Looking up she smiled sweet and deadly at the man. “How does this sound? Trying to give James Barnes the death plenty was the worst thing I have ever done. The guilt is eating me alive. I can’t live like this. Good suicide note?”

His face went even paler. Clint smirked. 

“Please don’t, I’ll do anything.”

“You know what, I won’t send that. How about,” she typed out a new tweet. “Barnes didn’t deserve me trying to kill him. The crimes I accused him off weren’t his own. I wanted to up my position in DC and killing an innocent man is the fastest way to do so.”

“I like it,” Clint said.

“Sent. Tell me all the people who agreed with you.” 

The man was quick to answer, trying to appease them. Natasha tagged every person who he rattled off under the tweet. Letting the world know who thought what about Bucky. She was happy in the knowledge people would hate them for this. The general population sided with Bucky more now, seeing him as a victim. Once all the others were tagged she smiled at the shaking man.

“Now I’m going to send the original tweet and you’re going to,” she trailed off as Clint held out a knife. The man shook his head, ready to deny her. She sighed, stepping back as Clint delivered the smooth slice across the neck. He fell back and Clint placed the knife in his hands. They were good at this, no one would suspect anything. 

Her phone dinged, another old friend, an actual friend this time, had messaged her. She held her phone up to Clint and smiled, “we’ve got a lead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter's an... intense one. It's been written and I can't tell if it's happy or sad? I'll leave it to you to judge. 
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Standard warning, talk of torture and stuff like that - also, feels warning!
> 
> {In case you're wondering I did change the title of this story. Beautiful Minds and Broken Souls became just Beautiful Minds and this is now Broken Souls}

They were in Novi Sad, Serbia. Natasha had gotten a text on one of her many phones from someone, she wouldn’t say who, that said there was a base just outside of there that was still active. But, it wasn’t a base they were use to. It was a normal building in the middle of their business district. Which meant they had to be more discreet, and more careful. There would be non-members surrounding them constantly, people they were trying to protect right in front of the danger. So they needed a solid plan. They were sitting in a motel near the base, going over details and trying figure it out. 

Bucky was no help to them, for two reasons. One, he had never been to this base so he didn’t know anything. Two, he was sitting on his bed with his head in his hands occasionally saying statements to Steve for reassurance. 

“The roof if easy to get onto,” Clint said. He was sitting on the kitchen bench, kicking Nat’s chair at the table periodically to annoy her. “We get up a neighbouring building and jump.” 

“We slept on a roof,” Bucky muttered. 

“Yeah, summer of ‘32. So what, we just ask if we can go up?”

Natasha shrugged, “don’t see why not. When we’re on the roof we can use the AC to get into the building. I’ve done it plenty of times. One of us can stay in a van or something on the ground for surveillance while the others go in. Keep an eye on the civvies and make sure no Hydra members escape.”

“The building next to it is a law firm,” Sam said. “They’ll have access to their roof. I say we do that. I’ll keep surveillance in the cafe across the road.”

“First light tomorrow we head out,” Steve declared. It was already nearly nightfall now, and that meant the chances of the base being closed was high. Clint groaned but otherwise, there were no complaints. 

Nat nodded, “we’ll go and do a bit of recon now,” pulling Clint down from the bench the two of them headed for the door. “See you guys in the morning.” 

“Recon,” Bucky muttered. “A military term for gathering information. Recon of Hydra bases in the first war,” he looked at Steve, “right?”

“Yeah.”

Clint shrugged on his jacket at the door. “Recon’s the most important part of the mission. Let’s you know what you’re up against.” 

“I - I didn’t do recon in Hydra with Steve. They just made me fight. I shot someone, I think. A bank vault?”

“You shot Nick Fury, he’s fine though,” Nat replied.

Bucky shot off the bed, standing by the side and shaking. “No. No. He died. I remember because I told them that it was successful. I didn’t - couldn’t lie to him. No. You’re wrong you’re wrong.”

“Buck,” Steve said as calmly as he could. “It wasn’t a good mission. It’s good that Fury survived.” 

“But I lied.”

“Pierce knew that Fury wasn't dead. It’s okay.”

Still shaking, he sat back on the bed, his head going back in his hands. He looked sick, pale and wide-eyed as he went through his own mind. Steve watched him for a few moments, making sure nothing was going to happen. When he turned back to everyone else they were staring at him. He waved them off and picked up the file on the newest targeted base. Nat rolled her eyes, deciding it was fine to leave, and then she and Clint were gone. 

Sam stood, stretched his back, and went to the small kitchen. “Want something?” He asked.

“A coffee, please. Bucky?”

“The chocolate drink. Pam’s drink,” he looked better already. No longer shaking or misty-eyed. It looked like he had gotten over it already, but Steve doubted that. Bucky was amazing at pretending to be okay when internally he was panicking beyond reason. 

“Hot chocolate?” Steve asked, and Bucky nodded. Steve smiled and nodded back, going to the kitchen with Sam. “What are you having?” 

“Tea,” he replied flicking the switch on the kettle. “Unlike you, I won’t sleep if I have a mug of coffee at eight pm. Who’s Pam?”

Steve took down the mugs. He looked back at Bucky, who was now staring at the ceiling mouthing something to himself. It was progress. “Pam’s cafe. We went there a few times, they did the best hot chocolate around. We’d have to take a train to get there but it was worth it.”

“Sounds nice. And he remembered it?” 

“I told him about it in DC. I don’t know if he remembers that or going to get it.”

“Either way, he’s remembering.”

The kettle started boiling, bubbling water filling the silence. Steve didn’t think anything of it, why would he? But then he heard Bucky whimper, both his and Sam’s heads snapping over to see what was wrong. Bucky had gotten off the bed and was crouching in a corner with his hands pressed over his face. He was begging, his words coming out loud and fast. ‘Stop’ ‘no’ and ‘please’ seemed to be all he could say. 

Steve was in the corner a moment later, he didn’t touch Bucky, that could be dangerous for both of them, but still, he was trying to calm him down. “Hey, Buck can you hear me? You’re safe here, you’re safe with me.”

“Please,” Bucky whispered through sobs. “I’ll be good. Promise. Promise I’ll be good.”

“Bucky, come on. You’re safe. You’re good. I’m not going to do anything.”

“I don’t want it!”

“What don’t you want? Can you tell me that?”

He whimpered again, “the water. Don’t want the water.”

“The - the water? The kettle?” Steve asked and he nodded, trembling with his eyes closed and tears streaming down his cheeks. “I need you to tell me what you think I’m doing with the water, okay? Can you do that?”

“Pour it -” he cut himself off with more sobs and shaking. Steve got where he was going with it though. “Please don’t,” Bucky whispered. 

“Can I touch you? I’m not going to hurt you. Promise.”

Bucky nodded, but still flinched when Steve took his hands in his own. “Please don’t pour the water on me.”

“No one is ever going to do that to you again,” Steve said, promise lacing his tone. “We were just making the hot chocolate, like Pam, that’s all. We need to boil the water to make the drink hot. Do you understand that?” 

“Yes. Boiling water and powder and milk. Hot chocolate. Like Pam. We had hot chocolate in your apartment.”

“We did,” Steve smiled at him.

“Can - Can we hug?”

Steve nodded and was surprised to find Bucky basically launching himself at Steve. It ended up with Steve sitting on the floor leaning on the bed with Bucky tucked into his side. They used to sit like that during the war, trying to stay warm, and Steve couldn't help but be transported to those times. They had been in the middle of a war but it had been so much simpler. Bucky was clinging to Steve, still breathing heavy. Sam was watching them from the kitchen, his phone in his hand. Steve shook his head, silently telling him that he didn’t need back up. 

“You were my mission,” Bucky mumble. Sam sent Steve an urgent look but Steve waved him off. 

“I know.”

 

“Hydra hated you.”

“Probably because I kept trying to get rid of it.”

Bucky reached his right hand to Steve’s neck, he went very still as Bucky traced his fingers lightly over the skin. “They told me to kill you no matter what. If I didn’t do it then I was going to be killed. That was wrong. I was going to be killed anyway. They didn’t think I listened. I did. I was going to be dispatched when Project Insight was ago. Hydra wouldn’t need me anymore.”

That was probably the longest Steve had heard Bucky speak aside from during breakdowns and it sucked. It completely sucked. Bucky was sitting there talking about his life as if it was something to just throw away. As if it didn’t matter. “Hydra’s bad,” Steve replied. “They’re evil.”

“They hated you,” he repeated. “Before I was the asset. In the first war.”

“We tried to take them down then as well.”

“I was in solitary and they gave me the newspaper. You had died. It was a celebration. They let me out early because we were supposed to be happy. I tried to kill myself, I think. My brain is mixed in the blender.”

Steve swallowed hard, Bucky’s fingers still tracing his neck. “You tried to kill yourself?”

“Because I was so guilty.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t remember. It didn’t work though,” he hummed to himself. The pressure from his fingers started getting harder. Steve just kept still. “I think I was guilty of feeling - happy. No, not happy. I don’t know, something. That you had died because I was out of solitary.”

“That’s okay. I can’t blame you for that.”

Bucky tilted his head, “you never blame me for anything.”

“You haven’t done to get blamed.”

“I tried to kill you.”

“Hydra.”

“You’re a strange handler. But you’re not a handler. You’re Steve. That’s different. Handlers weren't nice. You’re nice. You’re Steve Rogers. Little kid from Brooklyn.”

Steve nodded, “I’m not a handler. I’m your friend.”

“Why haven’t you moved my hand yet?” Bucky asked. He moved it so that it was resting across his throat. As if he was strangling Steve but with no pressure. “You could have moved it, or asked, or commanded. I would listen. But you didn’t.”

“Because I trust you.” 

“No. It’s because you’re a dumbass. And you always have been. But I love you anyway,” he lent up and kissed Steve’s cheek. Steve smiled slightly at the sensation, he had missed it so badly. At the same time, it was so unexpected that it took him off guard. “I’d like to go to sleep now. If I have bad night thoughts please wake me.”

He stood up and got into the bed he had been sitting in before. He lay there with his eyes closed but was clearly still awake. Steve also stood and walked over to Sam, who was sipping his tea. “That was,” Steve muttered. “A lot.” 

“He’s right about you being a dumbass.”

“Thanks.”

“Are you okay?”

“I think so,” he chuckled lightly. “Guess my head’s in a blender as well.”

Sam drank the rest of his tea, “go to sleep. I’ll see before first light, cap.”

“Night,” Steve replied as Sam slipped out. After getting ready to sleep, he walked to his bed and lay down silently. “You okay?” He whispered to Bucky.

“Bucky loves Steve,” was the reply he got. He didn’t know what it meant but he was happy with it anyway. 

“I love you too.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Why?”

Bucky shrugged, his eyes still closed. “I’m bad.”

“No, you’re not.”

“You love James Barnes. Not me.”

“You’re James Barnes.”

He shook his head, “I’m the asset now.”

“Then I guess I love the asset.”

There was no reply for a while, Steve guessed Bucky had fallen asleep. So he closed his own eyes and tried to turn of his own mind for the night. That was always the hardest bit of the day. Trying to fall asleep. Closing his eyes was always a risky move for him. He didn’t know what memory was going to be brought up. It was usually bad. More often than not he would lay on his bed trying to sleep while trying not to think. More often than not it didn’t work. 

But then, very quietly, Bucky replied. “I don’t know about love. Never mission critical. And emotions are hard to remember from before. But I think I love you,” he was silent for a bit. Steve had no idea what to say. Then he started again, “yeah. Steve loves the asset and the asset loves Steve. The asset is also Bucky. So, Steve loves me.”

“Yeah, Buck. That’s right,” Steve replied. And it was right, in a very strange and roundabout kind of way. But if it made sense to Bucky then Steve wasn’t going to complain. “Does that make you happy?”

“Yes. I don’t want to kiss you. Like we used to.”

“You don’t need to.”

“Love is warm. I like it. Not allowed to like things. But I like it. I love you and Sam and Natasha and Clint but mostly you.”

Steve smiled at the ceiling. “We all love you back.”

“Good night, Stevie.”

“Night, Buck,” Steve replied. He closed his eyes and was asleep within seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this sad or happy?? I can't tell.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> Mentions of torture

Steve woke up way before the sun had risen. He supposed that he should try and sleep again but where was the fun in that? Instead, he got up and started going over the plans for the base. It was an old bank turned insurance company, the basement and the top floor where both for Hydra. The split made it harder, they would have to go in two teams otherwise one floor could be cleared before they got there. 

After about an hour of obsessively looking over the plans, he lent back in his chair and looked over to Bucky. He looked so peaceful when he slept. Like the Bucky that Steve had cuddled into in their little apartment. Steve wasn’t stupid, he knew Bucky wasn’t going to be the Bucky he had once known, and that was fine, but he stilled hoped that a little bit was still there. For two years he had to live without him, thinking he was dead. Having even a tiny bit of Bucky would be enough. 

It was proving promising as well. When he had talked last night he had sounded so much like Bucky. A very confused Bucky, but still Bucky. And that was enough. The fact that he was slowly figuring out what was happening in his own head was great as well. It meant the chance he realized that he wasn’t what Hydra had told him he was. Very promising. If they could find something to speed up his recovery, even better. 

There was a knock on the door and then Sam was standing there with two takeout bags in hand. “And you give me grief for not sleeping,” Steve said as Sam walked in. 

“How long have you been up?” Sam shot back when Steve didn’t reply he scoffed and shook his head.    


“Did you sleep?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, I woke up like an hour ago. Nightmares and all.”

“Sorry,” Steve grimaced. He was well versed in waking in a cold sweat with a scream on his lips. 

Sam shrugged, “it’s fine. You get used to them. Plus, I found a 24/7 diner and got us all breakfast.” 

“Are the others awake?” Steve asked, looking out the window. The sun wasn’t up but light orange flickers were appearing on the horizon. It would be up soon and that meant the town center would be getting busy. “Sooner we go the better.”

“I woke them on my way over, they’re coming.”

On the bed Bucky sat straight up, tense and frightened, looking between Steve and Sam before settling back down. He rested his head against the wall behind him, staying alert. His metal fingers started tapping rhythmically on the duvet. He watched with half closed eyes as Sam dished up five plates and Steve made their calorie shakes. When they were finished preparing was when he spoke, “good morning.” 

“Morning, Bucky,” Steve sent him a smile. “How did you sleep?”

“Through the night.”

“Good,” Sam said. “You did better than me.”

Bucky tilted his head, looking over Sam intensely. “Did you have a bad night thought?”

“A nightmare?” Sam asked Bucky thought for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, yeah I did.”

“What was it?” He asked, but before Sam could answer Bucky gasped and sat up. “I tried to kill you! I ripped your wing off and pushed you off - off the - the - the big airship!”

“Yeah,” Sam said calmly. “I did and it sucked, but I don’t blame you.”

“You’re as dumb as Steve then.”

Steve made a noise of protest that both Bucky and Sam ignored. “No, I’m not about to let you mock-strangle me. I just know that it wasn’t you that did it, it was Pierce and Hydra and shit.”

“Okay,” Bucky relaxed against the headboard, still looking at Sam. “Bucky loves Sam,” he looked over at Steve, gauging his reaction. Steve didn’t move so Bucky nodded. “Yes, Bucky loves Sam.”

“Oh,” Sam said, confusion in his tone, “is that so?”

“Yes. Bucky loves Sam, Natasha and Clint and Steve. And Bucky loves pancakes and good thoughts.”

“I think you mean like,” Steve said. 

Bucky squinted a bit, clearly thinking hard. Opening his eyes he nodded happily. “Like. Yeah! Like, not love but close. Right?” Steve nodded and he looked even happier. “Bucky likes Sam, Natasha and Clint, and pancakes and good thoughts. Bucky loves Steve.”

“Sounds like you’re figuring out your own head,” Nat said as she and Clint walked into the motel room. They were fully dressed in tac gear already, guns strapped to thighs and bows on backs. 

“The blender is off,” Bucky agreed wholeheartedly. Everyone bar Steve looked a little confused at his words but shrugged it off. Steve motioned for him to come and eat, old habits and all, but Bucky didn’t seem upset with the prompting. He slid out of the bed and sat in between Steve and Natasha. 

Each person had some toast, eggs, and bacon on their plate. Bucky stared at the bacon, not moving his fork. He reached for his smoothie first, not wanting to think about why he didn’t want to eat the bacon. That seemed like it would lead to bad thoughts that he didn’t want. 

While they were eating they started discussing the plan. After some debating, the plan changed. The first thing they would do was block the front door so no one could leave. Sam would stand guard there while Steve and Bucky made themselves known. If the plan went well, it meant Nat and Clint could mount somewhat of a secret attack on the top floor. And just like always if it was an active base they were going to take all files or hard drives out of the base. Then they could go through them in the safety of a new motel. 

As they were debating Bucky figured out why he didn’t like the bacon. It wasn’t very well cooked. The problem was that it looked exactly like someone’s arm after he had been called in to get some information. His face went pale as he thought about it. There had been so much blood and he had screamed and Bucky didn’t like it at all and he wanted to scream too but he couldn’t because he was allowed and - and Steve was about to eat some. 

Bucky whipped his hand out, knocking Steve’s fork out of his grip. The fork went flying across the room, the bacon with it. He looked down at his plate again. All he could see was the man with the skinned arm. And blood and blood and blood. As quickly as he could he grabbed the bacon off his and Steve’s plate, gagging as he touched it, and threw it with the other bit. 

He didn’t like it. 

Once the bacon was gone he looked back at the others. His mind was hazy. Like it had felt when he woke up out of cryo. Like someone had filed it with wet cotton. Steve was looking at him concern -  _ “he’s malfunctioning” _ \- and everyone was silent -  _ “send him to isolation” _ \- he was going to get punished -  _ “piece of shit! _ ” - and he deserved it -  _ “I told you to respect me” _ \- but he didn’t want it -  _ “you don’t get to want. You’re not a person”  _ \- His handler’s hand was on his shoulder. His left shoulder. No one touched his left shoulder like that. Apart from Steve. 

Three blinks later and Bucky could see again. Two deep breaths later and the cotton was gone. A hiccup and the sobs had stopped. 

“I don’t like bacon.”

“You don’t have to eat bacon,” Steve replied smoothly. Bucky could see the range of emotions behind his eyes. Worry and rage at the forefront. 

“You’re angry. Not at me. At Hydra,” Bucky stated. He was praying he was right. Steve nodded slowly, watching Bucky with his careful eyes. “We’re going to miss our window if we don’t leave soon.”

Steve blinked. “Are you okay?”

“I -” he stopped, regarding what Bucky had said. He wasn’t asking if Bucky was okay, he was asking to see if he was the asset again. That’s what he had nightmares about, Bucky had heard them. “I am Bucky and I am okay. The bacon wasn’t okay.”

“Okay, no more bacon then. Do you still want to come on the mission?”

Bucky thought that Steve didn’t want him to come on the mission. He asked the question that way. But he also wouldn’t order him to do anything. “I’d like to help,” he said. “I would like to chose to help.”

“Let’s go then,” Steve said. “Pack and be in the car in ten.”

The others nodded before getting up and walking out. Steve went about packing their things, they didn’t have much so it didn’t take long at all. While he did that Bucky stared at the bacon in the corner of the room. It didn’t look like skin anymore. “If I get my good memories back, I’m going to get my bad memories as well.” 

“Yeah,” Steve said zipping up Bucky’s duffle. “Probably.”

“I don’t want the bad memories.”

“If there was a way to let you get only your pre-Hydra memories back I would do it. But, there just isn’t.”

“It’s going to be worth it. It has to be,” Bucky muttered. “We should go, it’s been ten minutes and seventeen seconds.” 

Getting to the Hydra base was easy. Usually, they had to trek through forests or something in order to get there but not this time. They parked down the street, close enough that they could run to it but still far away from the base. Walking up the street they kept their heads down and tried to be as inconspicuous as possible. Then everyone but Sam walked into the lawyer’s office and took their hoods off. A lot of gasps greeted them and Steve put his fingers to his lips. No need to alert the neighbours. Natasha asked to speak to the boss and they were taken to an office. 

The boss was a balding middle-aged man wearing a cheap suit with his hair gelled back. “How can we help you today?” 

“We need access to your roof,” Steve replied. 

“My roof?”

“The insurance company next door is partly a front for Hydra,” Steve explained. “We need to get in there.” 

“Of course,” the man replied. “Follow me.”

They were lead up a set of steel stairs. He used a key on a chain to open the door, letting them out. Steve thanked him before radioing to Sam to get into position. The boss man stood and watched for a moment before leaving them alone. Getting to the other roof wouldn’t be a problem, they were basically attached, a simple step would suffice. Clint and Nat went first, making sure there was no one already on the roof. Nat turned around and waved them over.

Steve turned to Bucky first. “Do you remember the plan?”

“Get to the basement as quickly as possible. Once there make a ruckus. Get all the files. No killing or major maiming unless absolutely needed. As in mine, yours or a civilian's life is in danger.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

Getting into the building was easy as well. There was an unlocked door that lead straight to a fire escape. Steve took his shield off his back and readied it on his arm. Nat sent them a quick smile just before they started down. When they were at the bottom of the staircase, which was the bottom floor but not the basement, Steve radioed into Sam again. The two of them were standing right beside the door so they could actually hear when Sam secured the chains. There was a moment of panic and confusion and then a gunshot. Both of them burst through the doors, Steve threw his shield, knocking over the Hydra agent. Bucky punched another one, making him fall unconscious.

Sam smiled at them, giving them a thumbs up while using his wings to cover himself. Steve and Bucky ran over to another set of doors, kicking them down. There were six agents, guns ready when they got in. Steve raised his shield and Bucky just used his hand. As they advanced on the agents Steve couldn’t help but think about how  _ good _ Bucky looked. Which probably wasn’t something he should be thinking but whatever. Because it was true. He looked damn good as he took out the agents, leaving a trail of still breathing bodies. Again, not a good thing to think. 

An alarm started going, fast and loud, startling Bucky. Steve saw him jumping but was too busy to really do anything about it. He looked okay when Steve looked over a few moments later anyway. 

Some of the agents started yelling insults at them. Which Steve really couldn’t be bothered listening to, and one right hook to one agent shut them all up pretty quickly. Once all the agents were on the ground Bucky cable tied their wrists while Steve started going through the files. The agents weren’t speaking anymore but there were a lot of grunts coming from that way. There wasn’t much down there. Mostly it was just empty filing cabinets with a few unimportant files - like how to cook a type of lasagna. It seemed like it had already been cleared out. By the time Bucky was done Steve was already at the computers. The hard drive, luckily, was filled with files. Whether they were important not was to be discovered later. Bucky handed him a black USB and pointed at a groaning agent on the ground. Steve smiled at him, pocketed it, and continued backing up the data. 

“We’re good to go,” Clint radioed in. “Upstairs was a ghost town, not much here.”

“Not much here either,” Steve replied. 

“Meet up with Sam?” Nat suggested. 

Steve agreed, he and Bucky getting ready to leave. One of the agents let out a pained chuckle. “The asset went rogue,” he sang, blood trickling out of a cut on his lip. “A bullet in the brain is to kind for an animal like him.”

“Shut up,” Steve replied as they walked towards the door.

“A bullet is more than he deserves.”

If Steve kicked him in the gut when they walked past, well, no one saw anything. Sam was standing with his arms crossed by the door, a few agents tied up around him and a whole lot of sniffing civilians. Sam sighed in relief when Steve and Bucky appeared in the doorway. 

“All right everyone,” Steve said when he was standing beside Sam. “The cops will be here any second, and if you’re not a Hydra agent you’ll be home before dinner. Nobody needs to panic. Can someone translate that for me?” A man nodded and started translating. People started looking a lot more relieved as he spoke. Steve could hardly blame them. 

One of the agents started spitting insults at Bucky, glaring with fire in his eyes. Steve glared back, moving to stand in front of Bucky, who had crossed his arms over his stomach and was staring at the ground. “Hydra’s greatest asset cowers behind an American.”

“What does that say about Hydra?” Sam asked.

“Fuck you. Hydra will rule again and we will hang your head on our mantle. You are all-”

“Man shut up. Do Hydra agents ever stop talking?” Sam interrupted.

The man sneered, “make as many quips as you want. We will have the asset again and he will pay for all his failures.”

Then Nat and Clint were there with them and Sam was unlocking the door to leave. And thank goodness as well, Nazis were really starting to get on Steve’s last nerve and he didn’t want these people seeing him kicking one in the face. No matter how deserving. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Straight up this wasn't meant to end here... like at all. This is about halfway through what I had planned so I split it into 2 chapters instead. And you got some sadness but some fluff coming up.
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think and also, do you want to see another chapter from Bucky's POV??


	11. Chapter 11

The drive back to a new motel was quite, Nat recounted what happened to her and Steve did the same. Bucky stayed silent the entire way and Steve just prayed he was okay. That he hadn’t made a mistake by letting him come. He was staring out the window the entire time, his fingers tapping on his leg. Steve let that reassure him, the asset would never tap.

Their new motel was basically a carbon copy of the last one. They booked two rooms though, Sam choosing to bunk with Nat and Clint for the night. He was not about to sleep in the same room as the two super soldiers who had night terrors, thank you very much. So they had their rooms but everyone went to Steve’s room first. It made more sense to dump all the files in one place.

When they were in the room Bucky finally spoke. All he said was “Steve,” but you could tell by his tone that something was wrong. 

Steve had just placed their duffles on the bed and given Nat the two USBs, one from Bucky and one full of stuff from the computer. He turned to look at Bucky, who was paled face and shaking. Steve dropped the file he was holding, rushing over to Bucky’s side. He didn’t touch him, that could startle him even more. “What’s wrong?” 

“Uh, I got shot?”

Around the room was a series of exclamations. Bucky slowly took off his leather jacket, showing the blood seeping through his black shirt. Steve helped him take the shirt off, throwing it in the direction of the bathroom and making Bucky sit on one of the beds. He knelt down beside Bucky, so he was eye level with his stomach. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” He asked as Sam handed him their first aid kit. 

“I was fine,” Bucky replied. 

“You need to tell me if you get hurt,” Steve said. He started wiping off the blood around the wound. The bullet was still in there but it was a clean shot. Natasha handed him some tweezers as he pulled on their latex gloves. “I know it’s hard, I know that, but I need to know these things. It was when the alarm sounded, wasn’t it?” Bucky nodded and stayed unnervingly still as Steve pulled the bullet out. “Bucky you kept fighting! You should have sat it out.”

“I’ve fought harder with worse wounds.”

“That doesn’t matter!”

Bucky frowned. “I wasn’t going to jeopardize the mission because I got hurt.”

“You jerk,” Steve muttered. “I don’t care about the mission if you’re hurt. I want you out safely. That’s the important part.”

“Because you’re a punk. The mission was more important.”

It felt the 30’s again. As they sat there and complained at each other. Both angry at the other person. It was what they did their entire lives. Steve had to hold in a sob. Because he was stitching his best friend up and because his best friend sounded like he did when they were kids. They could be sitting in a motel in 2017 or they could be in occupied France. 

“The mission is not more important than you. You were shot!”

“This injury will be gone by morning. It is not bad.”

“It’s not that bad!? You were shot.”

Bucky frowned at Steve again, “you’ve been shot and kept fighting.”

“That’s different.”

“How? Bullet through skin. Same deal.”

“No.”

“How?”

“Just is. I don’t know. You didn’t even say anything, I want to know if you’ve been shot, Buck.”

Roll his eyes, Steve ignored Sam in the background saying “man super soldiers are weird.” 

“Did it hurt?”

There was a pause before Bucky nodded, “yeah. Obviously, I got shot, Stevie.”

“So it matters,” Steve said, slightly surprised at how casual Bucky was being. He wasn’t about to bring it up and ruin it though. “I don’t want you hurt.” 

“That’s stupid. We’re soldiers. You wanted to be the soldier so bad you became an experiment. Soldiers get hurt, Steve. Remember last month? You got that knife through the shoulder and I didn’t say a thing.”

Steve pulled up short, his hands freezing in mid-air and eyes wide. The others all stared at Bucky in confusion. Steve swallowed and stared up at Bucky with his wide eyes. Because it wasn’t last month that he was stabbed in the shoulder. It was in occupied France over seventy years ago. 

“Buck?”

“What?”

“Are you okay?”

“What’s up your pants? ‘Acting like I said something weird.”

“It’s- no. You’re right, that wasn’t fair of me.”

Bucky stared down at him like he had lost his mind. “Well, I can’t believe it. Is Steve Rogers finally admitting that he was wrong? Heaven help us, I never thought I’d see the day you stubborn punk. Quick, get Dum Dum, he won’t believe me.”

“I’m not going to run off to get Dum Dum,” Steve replied vaguely aware of the others sneaking out. “I ain't about to let them know I admitted defeat.”

“Of course not. You done patching me up their champ?” Bucky asked, wriggling where he sat. “I’m meeting Morita in the mess hall soon.”

“If you sat still I’d be able to get it done sooner,” Steve shot back as he placed a bandage over the stitches. As he ducked down to take off the gloves he wiped at his eyes, not wanting Bucky to see the tears there. 

Of course, he did see, yanking Steve back up and onto his lap. Steve froze. He was sitting right across Bucky’s lap, his back supported by Bucky’s metal arm. Like a baby. His mind had shut down. It got even worse when Bucky pressed a kiss to the top of his head. They hadn’t been this close since the war. Which, it apparently was for Bucky. Steve didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t want to tell Bucky, how would he anyway? But he knew that it wasn’t exactly fair to keep him unknowing. At the same time, he seemed so relaxed and happy. Steve couldn't bring himself to ruin that for him. It wouldn’t kill them to pretend for a few minutes, right?

“Why you crying? It can’t be because I got shot?” 

“I’m being ridiculous,” Steve muttered. “I’m just real glad you’re here right now.”

“I’d follow you anywhere,” Bucky smiled. Then he lent down and pressed his lips against Steve’s. And oh god Steve wanted to stay there. He didn’t want to move, didn’t want to break apart. But Bucky had told him about kissing so he had to move. He ducked his head down, not looking at the confused face Bucky was spouting. 

“Sorry.”

Shaking his head Bucky started smiling again. He lifted Steve off his lap and placed him on the bed beside him. “Don’t be sorry. I’ve gotta meet Mortia. I’ll be back later, ‘kay?” He kissed Steve on the head again and stood. Before Steve could say anything he was already at the motel door and pulling it open. 

He stood there for a while. Just silently stared out the door. Obviously, he had been expecting to see a base camp in France and not a motel on a highway somewhere in Serbia. After about five minutes of standing there, another door in the motel opened and Bucky stepped back inside. He turned around and looked at Steve, who felt the air knock out of him. He looked like he did the night on the roof. Like the winter soldier. Blanked face and at attention. 

“Oslablennyy. Pri neobkhodimosti korrektsii.”

“What?”

“Oslablennyy. Pri neobkhodimosti korrektsii.”

Steve felt sick. His eyes drifted to the bathroom, deciding if he needed to go in there so he wasn’t sick over the carpet. Swallowing it back he faced Bucky, and with a disgust bubbling in his stomach, said “English, soldier.” 

“Compromised. In need of correction.”

“What’s compromised?”

“Head.”

Searching the room Steve looked for something that could trigger him back. The files were still on the table, it was the best he had. “Please organize those files in alphabetical order.” 

Bucky moved over to the table silently. Steve text Sam and asked for a hot chocolate, he wasn’t about to boil some water. Sam text back a thumbs up emoji and a smiley face so Steve went to the table. “You said your head was compromised,” Steve started. “I need more information. What’s wrong with it?”

“Forgetting mission critical details.”

“Like?” 

“I don’t remember the mission. Any of it.” 

Steve nodded. “We can deal with that. The mission was, was to capture this base. Which we did this afternoon. Do you remember that?” Bucky nodded slowly. “Right, and you got shot there. Do you remember that?” Another nod. “And now we’re relaxing. That’s the mission. Do you understand that?” And another nod.

“Mission. Stop Capitan, Wilson, and Natasha. Protect the helicarriers. Succeed or don’t come back.”

“What?” Steve asked, standing from the table. Unlike what Sam though, Steve wasn’t that much of an idiot. He stepped closer to the door, closer to his shield. Bucky was staring at him but wasn’t moving. 

“Mission. Stop Capitan, Wilson, and Natasha. Protect the helicarriers. Succeed or don’t come back.”

“Do you know where we are?”

There was a knock on the door before Bucky could answer, and then Sam was standing there with a mug in hand. “A hot… uh, what happened?” 

“Sam Wilson!” Bucky said, standing. At the same time as he reached for his hip, Steve grabbed his shield. 

“No. Soldier, sit,” Steve commanded. 

“Missiya. Moya missiya. Mission My mission. Moy - my Steve?”

“I’m right here,” Steve put the shield back down and took the mug. “Thanks, Sam.”

Sam looked Bucky up and down, who was now shivering in his seat and nodded. “See you later man, yell if you need us.” 

“You good?” Steve asked. He stepped closer to Bucky, and when he didn’t move to lunge, he kept going. Sitting opposite him he slid the mug over. Bucky stared at it for a moment before nodding and picking it up and taking small sips. “Are you okay?” Another nod and a larger sip. The shaking had stopped now, but he was pale and hunched in on himself. He looked miserable. “What happened there, Buck?”

“I don’t know. Cognitive error?”

“Probably,” Steve replied. Bucky looked even sadder at Steve’s agreement so he was quick to continue. “You’re healing Buck, it can’t all be smooth sailing. There’s going to be some hiccups every now and again. This wasn’t even that bad, when I first woke up I kept forgetting it was 2012.”

“I could have killed you.”

Steve shrugged, “but you didn’t. You remembered me, didn’t you?”

“Little Steve - Stevie. Your face went all scared. Like when you were little. A child maybe.”

“You remember our childhood?”

Bucky did a so-so motion with his hand. Clint had taught him how to do that a few months ago. When he was learning to express more emotion but was still terrified of showing anything. Hand gestures became very helpful. But now he could speak his mind so they hadn’t been used as much. He took another sip of his hot chocolate. “Somethings. Like you got me kicked out of maths once.”

“Yeah, yeah I did. Kept kicking you ‘cause you were ignoring me after I had a fight with a kid a few years older than me. You got really pissed.”

“I was - was right.”

“Probably,” Steve nodded. “Didn’t stop me from doing it though.”

“Stubborn punk.” 

Steve nodded, “yeah. I don’t like admitting it though. Do you want anything?”

“No. I’m all - alright now.” 

“Good. If you want anything, you can ask for it.”

“I can?” Bucky asked, clearly wanting to ask for something but either scared or shy. Steve smiled at him and nodded. He finished his hot chocolate, fiddling with the handle as he stared at his lap, a tiny blush spreading across his cheeks. Shy then, Bucky always blushed when he was shy. Steve had to keep himself from cooing. “I like - I like it when you - uh - hold me. Uh - cuddling.”

“You want to cuddle?” A nod. “Of course we can,” Steve said. Even if he wasn’t desperately in love with the man he would have said yes. He was pretty sure that you’d have to be a psychopath to say ‘no’ to Bucky right now. Even more so when Bucky looked up, his eyes alight with happiness. Steve stood and reached for Bucky’s hand, he pulled Bucky up and to his bed. He was not about to decline cuddling with Bucky Barnes. He wasn’t an idiot. The two of them ended up sitting against the headboard, their legs stretched out in front, Bucky leaning into Steve and Steve’s arm around his shoulders. 

It was heaven. Steve was sure that this was heaven. If he was to die that moment he doubted he would know because he would wind up in this exact position in Heaven. And if he was being honest, Bucky felt the exact same way. Steve pulled Bucky in even tighter, ending up with his cheek on Bucky’s head. “Is this good?” He asked, making sure to check in with the other man. 

With a small smile, Bucky nodded. He wasn’t used to feeling, well, anything. He was never allowed to. Then all of a sudden he was feeling everything. It was as terrifying as it was amazing. But he knew Steve was safe, he sometimes knew that. Other times everything jumbled together to make a confusing mess inside his head. The analogy he used, that his head had been placed in a blender, worked entirely. Steve was warm and safe and Bucky liked that. Liked that he felt at home now, like that after seventy years over being lost he had finally come home. 

Bucky liked that feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))))))


	12. Chapter 12

Monday morning started like any other morning. Natasha was woken from her nightmare because Clint was yelling at Sam to wake up from his. Stock standard. After she let go of the knife under her pillow she sat up. Sam was shaking slightly on his bed and Clint had moved onto making coffee. Natasha rubbed her left wrist, her own nightmare still fresh in her mind. Clint saw the gesture and gave her a small smile which she tried to return, although she doubted it looked anything better than a grimace. “You okay, Sam?” She asked, trying to get her mind off little girls with their mouths sewn closed. 

“Yeah, sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s fine.”

Clint brought them both a cup of coffee, a phone in hand. “It’s one of your old ones, buzzed all night.”

“Did you sleep at all?” She asked, taking both items. 

“Enough.”

“How many phones do you have?” Sam asked, eyeing the phone in her hand. 

She let out a laugh and shook her head. No one needed to know how many phones and phone numbers she had at one time. Different contacts had different numbers to keep them from knowing too much. This phone had sixteen messages on it, which was actually surprising. She hadn’t used this particular phone in a long time, she didn’t even know who had its number. Anyway, the messages were about an old Hydra base in Timișoara, Romania. Apparently, it had been inactive for a while but people were just spotted going in, and according to the messages, hadn't come out. Her contact, a man she had nearly killed turned not-enemy-nor-friend-but-we-both-don’t-like-nazis, had sent her all the information they needed to get in. 

Typing a quick thank you, she drank the rest of the coffee. “We have a new base,” she announced as she text Steve. “We need to get there quickly.”

“Where?” Sam asked, standing up. 

“Romania, it’s only a few hours away.” 

“Are we going now?” Clint whined. “I just made more coffee.

Getting up from the bed Natasha rolled her eyes. She reached for her clothes and slipped into the bathroom. Clint was still complaining as she got changed because he was Clint so of course, he was. But when she came out of the room they were both changed and their gear by the door. “You boys ready?” She asked, both nodded and finished their mugs. “Let’s go get the others, hopefully, their ready.” 

Steve and Bucky’s room was next door to theirs. Their door was still closed and they couldn’t hear anything coming from inside. Sam knocked a few times and when nothing happened took out the spare key he had and opened the door. 

Natasha didn’t know what she was expecting but this was not it. Both Steve and Bucky were on one bed, leaning against the wall with Bucky tucked under Steve’s arm. Steve’s cheek was resting on Bucky’s head and they were holding hands on Bucky’s lap. They both looked so peaceful and relaxed, something Natasha hadn’t seen them be in a long time, probably too long. Which is why she stepped back and closed the door. “We can handle it ourselves,” she said softly. The boys nodded and the three of them headed to their car. 

~~

When Steve woke up it was because there was a beam of sunlight on his face. Highly unusual. He was usually awake before the sun had risen, woken from dreams of ice and falling and darkness. Bucky was still soundly asleep under his arm and the entire motel was silent. Blinking a few times he reached for his phone to find the time. It had just gone 10 am and he had a whole lot of messages on his screen. 

Natasha had messaged him telling them to get up, nearly three hours ago, and then a message from Sam saying they were heading to a base by themselves. Natasha had forwarded him all the information they had, which didn’t make him feel better that they had gone off alone. Making sure he didn’t wake Bucky, Steve moved his arm so he could type out a reply. He told Sam to message him as soon as they had finished at the base. Then he read through all the info Nat had sent. 

The base was used in the nineties and had been empty since then, but there had been activity recently. Natasha had said that she expected there was sudden activity was because they was something there they wanted to keep from them. That was one downside to having the trail, all of Hydra knew they were looking. At least before there was an element of surprise sometimes. 

After reading through that he moved onto his emails. Natasha had done something with it so people couldn’t track him through it. Steve guessed that Tony could get through it if he wanted. There wasn’t a lot. Some random emails from people he didn’t know talking about the UN meeting, a random spam message from a clothing store. He kept scrolling until he got to one from Tony. He wasn’t expecting that. It had no subject line and the body was just ‘sorry’. Steve stared at it for an uncomfortably long time before replying ‘me too’.

Bucky stirred in his sleep causing Steve to look down. He was frowning slightly, almost a pout, and his fingers were twitching. A few moments alter his eyes opened, he blinked once and then looked at Steve. 

“Morning,” Steve said.

“Morning,” Bucky muttered, his voice thick with sleep. “What happened?”

“Uh, you got shot,” Steve replied. Bucky nodded but looked like he was expecting more so Steve forced himself to continue. “Then you thought you were in France during the war, and then you were the soldier again.”

He started folding his fingers together as he did when he was nervous. “Did I hurt anyone?” 

“No,” Steve shook his head. “I think you were going to try and kill Sam but nothing came of that. I, uh, ordered you to sit.”

“Thank God.”

“I’m not going to let you hurt anyone.”

“Good,” Bucky muttered. “I don’t like hurting people.”

Steve smiled before detaching himself from Bucky. As much as he wanted to stay right there, his neck was to stiff for comfort and he needed to stretch his legs. Bucky seemed to have the same problem as when he stood he started doing some type of yoga-stretching. Steve watched him, impressed with some of the things he was doing. (If he was asked he would deny it, but he was also checking Bucky out.) Steve flicked on the kettle, watching Bucky as the water boiled (only to see if he reacted - not because Bucky doing yoga was a sight to behold). He didn’t react and graciously took the hot chocolate. 

When Steve sat down beside him with his cup of coffee Bucky went ‘oh’. “I know why I don’t like coffee,” he said.

“Why’s that?”

“A handler gave it to me. But it wasn’t just coffee. Something strong,” he started tapping his knees. Keeping a steady rhythm going as he searched through the hazy memory. “And I kept jiggling my knee. They dislocated both my knees.”

Pushing his coffee away Steve felt his face go pale. Fucking Hydra. Bucky watched the motion with pursed lips. He wasn’t watching it because he was afraid it was going to be tipped over him though, Steve made him feel safe enough to not worry. No, he watched because he was surprised that Steve had pushed it away. Steve had never been attacked because of coffee. There was no reason for him to not want. The thought hurt Bucky’s head so he abandoned it. He sipped on his own hot chocolate, he didn’t think Hydra had ever had hot chocolate around him. For that he was glad, he really liked it and didn’t want it ruined. 

“I’m so sorry, Buck. What happened to you, I, I’m just so sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? You are not Hydra.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“If you don’t know why you’re apologizing, maybe it means you don’t need to?”

Steve sent him a pained smile, he had said that to Bucky years ago. Back when Bucky would apologize for everything because he was terrified of punishments. Before he was triggered into his winter soldier mode again. He was surprised that Bucky remembered him saying it. Hell, even he hardly remembered it. “Maybe,” Steve nodded. “So, while we slept the others went to a base a few hours away, in Timisoara, do you recognize the name?” 

Bucky shook his head, “no.”

“Okay, well they’ve gone there. Nat said they should be back by nightfall if it all goes according to plan. Anything you want to do?”

“Uh, yes?” Bucky kind of muttered, not meeting Steve’s eyes. He was getting better at asking for things but it was still hard to do. Even the wanting thing was a challenge. When Steve nodded Bucky continued. “I’d like to read.” 

“We can read,” Steve replied. “Do you want to go to the library and we can pick a book?” 

“Yes. I’d like that.”

~~

They had been sitting under a bush and behind a tree for so long now, even Natasha was starting to get restless. They had planned to do a bit of recon before attacking, but then only a few moments after they arrived all these guys with guns turned up. Probably more than a hundred. It would be suicide to go out there now. Not for the first time, Nat wished Steve and Bucky had come. People were loading a truck with boxes, and the guards were just staring at the forest around them. Whatever was in the boxes was important. 

At least the view was pretty. The entire thing was wood, with a low and crumbling stone wall surrounding it. It was a rectangle building, not overly huge and only one floor - unless there was a basement. In its entity, Nat guessed the building was no bigger than the ten-room motel they were staying in. And apparently was only storage, seeing as how many boxes had been loaded onto the truck. 

One problem was that the sun was starting to set. Which meant it would be dark soon. It wasn’t dark yet, just the beginning of the day’s end. Nat knew they needed to get in there soon. They had told Steve that they would be back by nightfall but she was starting to doubt that. The three of them had been hiding out for so long, hoping that at least some of the guards would leave before they attacked. 

Clint was sitting in the tree, watching from above, when Nat texts him. If they didn’t move soon they would lose it. The mission was still suicide, a hundred against three was hardly favorable odds. If no one got hurt it would be a miracle. They quickly made a plan, Nat would get round to the other side of the base and then all three would move in. Clint from above and her and Sam (who couldn’t use his wings because of the low hanging trees) on the ground. When Natasha was in position she signaled to the others. 

The first ten arrows Clint kind of curved so it looked like he was coming from a different direction. With everyone facing one way it was easier for Sam and Nat to get started shooting the others. The next ten arrows came from a different direction, confusing the guards into a panic. Which was useful for Sam and Nat, who was able to get in between them easier. It was still hard though, all the guards were shooting randomly, one shot singing the hair on Nat’s head. 

She fell to the ground, rolling behind a part of the old stone wall, cursing as she reloaded her gun. Another shot whizzed right by her and whatever they were shooting with wasn’t a normal bullet. They were too hot, too bright, to be a normal bullet. She was able to get another magazine into her gun and stood up. There were a few guards right beside her which were the first to go. Another fell behind her thanks to an arrow in the chest. Jumping onto the wall would mean she was more visible but also that she could see more. Moving quickly she decided to do it and stood up. 

Sam had his back to the building as he shot guards and ducked their bullets. Natasha ran on top of the wall, shooting as she went, to get to Sam. He nodded at her when she had helped him dispatch the guards around him. Then together the two of them started converging on the rest of them. Clint was done from the tree, a gun in one hand and his bow in the other.

“I’m out of arrows,” he said as they kept shooting. 

“That’s why I prefer guns,” Nat replied. “You can add more.”

He rolled his eyes, shooting his target in the middle of the eyes. The air around them felt staticy, which reinforced Nat’s idea that they weren’t normal bullets being fired. Even if the guns looked like hers. 

Finally, after about twenty minutes of fighting, they had dispatched all the guards and agents in the area. Clint collapsed onto the ground with a groan while Sam and Nat lent against the truck. After a moment of rest, Clint stood up and started pulling arrows out of people. Both Sam and Nat ended up helping him. 

When that was done they were able to start looking at the boxes. “Weapons,” Natasha called.

“Tapes,” Clit replied. 

“CDs,” Sam said. 

All the boxes had different things, from files to journals to videos. Inside was more of the same. Just a whole lot of boxes or bags of things. Things that looked old. But then there were CD’s and an iPad which meant people had been in the base recently enough. The idea that it was just for storage made more sense as they continued on. 

“If we had waited, like, ten minutes we would have been left in the dust,” Sam said. They were pulling out the final boxes and loading them up. He was right, there was only a handful left in the base. The vast majority was already loaded onto the eighteen wheeler. 

Natasha pulled out her phone to text Steve and cursed. The battery was completely flat. So was Clint’s and Sam’s. “I think these,” Nat said as she kicked a gun laying on the floor, “had something to do with that.”

“They’re electrical bullets or something,” Clint replied. 

“We shouldn’t leave them here,” Sam said. “Maybe we should send one or two to Stark, he'd know what to do with them.”

“He could find out what they are,” Clint agreed. 

“There's a lot of stuff to go through first,” Nat replied. “We should just get back to the others, they’re going to be worrying.”

They all looked up at the sky, one side was already a deep blue and the other wasn’t far behind. They had promised to be home by now. Both boys nodded. Sam said he’d take their car back and that they could take the truck. He smiled at them both before heading off into the forest where they had parked. 

“You look really sexy right now,” Clint said trying not to laugh as they got into the truck. 

“What do you mean?” Nat asked, pulling down the sun visor to look in the mirror. There was a smear of blood on her left cheek and dirt across her right. But the best part of her look was her hair. The electricity in the air had caused it to stand on end like she had rubbed a balloon across her head. “Oh. Wow.”

Clint nodded, a grin slipping onto his lips. Natasha rolled her eyes. “You look great,” he said pressing a kiss to her cheek. 

“We should go,” Nat said as he kissed up and down her neck.

“We need to let Sam get to the car before we go.”

“You might be right,” Nat replied, sliding closer to him. “Only a few minutes though.”

He held up his right hand. “Of course, scouts honour.”

“You weren’t a scout.”

“Sentiment still stands.”

She rolled her eyes again but smiled as he pulled her onto his lap.


	13. Chapter 13

There were five things that Bucky knew for certain.

His name was James Buchanan Barnes (Bucky)  
He was childhood friends with Steve  
He was now friends with Sam and Nat and Clint  
He was allowed to have emotions and remember  
He felt safe with Steve

He understood other things as well, but those were a bit murkier. Like Hydra was bad, he understood what the words meant but it didn’t quite sit right in his head. Or that he had been (was?) in love with Steve. Because, yeah, that sounded great in practice but did it make sense? Not really. Steve had said it didn’t matter if Bucky got confused. Dangerous thought pattern, Steve, a confused asset would mean disaster for the mission and - no. No, he wasn’t the asset anymore. Bucky wasn’t the asset.

There were things Bucky knew but sometimes he didn’t as well. He wasn’t the asset. He was good. He wasn’t going to punished. Steve wasn’t a handler. Stuff like that. Things that had been ingrained in his mind for 70 years but were wrong. It was confusing.

Things Bucky liked was another list in his head. Sam, Nat and Clint, reading, pancakes, gloves, blankets, his new mission (taking down Hydra that was). That was a good list and Steve had said he was allowed anything on it. If he wanted something he got it - a terrifying prospect. He had asked what happened if something he wanted was bad. Steve had gotten sad, so sad that he left to go to the bathroom. (System failure - made handler sad. No. No, he wasn’t a handler. Not a system failure.) Sam had told him he hadn’t done anything wrong and they wouldn’t let him be bad. Which Bucky wanted to argue with because they had let him make his handler sad and that was bad. But then Steve had come back and smiled at Bucky (who could so smile at Bucky? He was a disgusting monster and - stop that. Bucky is good and not a monster) so Bucky put that thought away.

Steve wasn't on that list. He had his own list because he wasn’t  _ just _ a person in Bucky’s mind, he was even better. He was Steve and that was good. It was great. Bucky didn’t think he knew the difference between good and great but he assumed great was better. So that meant that Sam was good and Steve was great. Yeah, that made sense. Bucky liked that thought so he kept it.

His system for keeping thoughts was very advanced now. A thought or memory would appear in his mind. Like a movie. Some would make him smile or make his brain go  _!!! _ (good thought) and others made him feel sick and made the tears come (bad thought). Good thoughts got to stay in glass cabinets on display and bad thoughts went into metal filing cabinets. The bad thoughts had to stay away. His definition of good vs bad thought had changed while being with Steve. It had all been flipped around. For example, before Steve a bad thought was  _ I like the grey blankets  _ and a good thought  _ I listen to my handlers _ . Hydra used to tell him where to put the thoughts. Now he got to chose where the thoughts went. He liked that. Bad thoughts were now  _ the man was screaming because the soldier was breaking his fingers  _ and a good thought was  _ Steve and I used to hold hands. _

Bucky really,  _ really _ , liked his good thoughts.

There was also a dislike list. Sam had suggested he write them down in his journal so they leave his head. Sam said that’s what he did. Bucky thought it was stupid. But he did it anyway and found he didn’t mind it. The thoughts didn’t leave his head but it made it easier for the others to keep the things away from him. Bucky felt like an annoyance at first but Clint had said it was good to keep those away, and he did it as well. Sometimes Bucky thought that the others lie about their  _ coping mechanisms _ so that Bucky would try their  _ coping mechanisms. _ That thought made Bucky feel safe and warm, but he didn’t know why.

Things that were on his dislike list: bacon and ham. Red blankets and clothing. Large scarves. Glasses. Masks. Red nail polish. Black cars. Falling snow. Poppies. Loud and sudden noises. The Captain America comics (he was  _ not _ a teenage sidekick, thank you very much) and needles.

Steve had banned all those things from their motel room. He argued Bucky needed a safe place but no one had said no. Bucky thought that Steve just liked fighting. Nat had said it was because he loved Bucky so much. That may be true, but he also liked fighting. Steve had said he liked getting people to be nice to others. Bucky has said “you like being punched” and Steve looked like someone had punched him right there.

Steve confused Bucky sometimes.  

He also really liked the book that they had chosen at the library. They had gone to the library after Steve had made them smoothies (Bucky liked chocolate and Steve liked vanilla). Bucky had liked walking to the library because he got to look around. Steve never yelled at him when he stopped to read signs or to look at buildings and plants. He would stop as well and let Bucky do what he liked. Some more things got put on lists: white flowers were on the like list and red flowers were on the dislike list.

Steve asked if there was a reason. Bucky nodded and explained that red was like blood and he didn’t like it. And white was like ice and he liked that. Steve had looked sad but then had pointed at a white bird and Bucky’s mind went  _!!!!! _

Then they had arrived at the library and Bucky was instantly overwhelmed. Steve had told him he could choose his book - but he couldn’t because there were hundreds of books to choose from. Too many choices. Too much. (System failure. Handler failure (handlers don’t fail) something was failing though. Weapons don’t make choices. Weapons do as they are told by their handlers) Steve smiled and held Bucky’s hand (Bucky’s mind kind of went like this when that happened:  _!!!!!!!!! _ ) and then Seve suggested they chose a genre and go from there. Steve was a good handler. They ended up choosing Harry Potter together, Steve had said it was popular, and then they had left. Bucky ended up filing the entire trip under good thoughts.

When they got back Steve made them food while Bucky read allowed. He liked the book they had chosen. The story was exciting and the characters were fun. Steve said that he agreed.

_ Steve’s voice was muffled under the blanket and stuffed nose. But Bucky knew what he was saying anyway. They hardly needed words to communicate with each other now. He was complaining that Bucky had stopped reading to him. Bucky always read to him when Steve was too sick to stand and his ma needed to go to the hospital. “You need to take your medicine every hour,” Bucky replied from Steve’s little kitchen. “Your ma said so.” _

_ “I don’t want to,” Steve muttered. “I want you to read to me.” _

_ “I’ll read to you after you take the pill.” _

_ “The pills are gross and they made my stomach roll.” _

_ “Fine, don’t take them and go to the hospital,” Bucky replied. He waited for a moment, knowing that Steve was going to sigh and reach one hand out of the blanket. It happened even faster than last time. Bucky handed him the pill and a glass of water. He picked the book back up saying, “and now we read.” _

_ Bucky picked up the novel that was on the table and settled down on the bed. “What chapter were we on?” They weren’t in Steve’s apartment anymore. They weren’t even children anymore. No, they were young adults in their own place. It was the first time Steve had gotten really sick after his ma had passed. Like, so sick Bucky was scared he wasn’t going to make it. Like, if he was still like this tomorrow he was carrying him to the hospital, even if Steve kicked the whole way. But, even if they lived somewhere different, their little rituals still went on. _

_ “Your gonna get sick if you stay this close to me,” Steve said after a coughing fit. _

_ Scoffing, Bucky rolled his eyes. “Ten years of looking after your sickly arse and how many times have I gotten sick? That’s right, none. So shut it and tell me which chapter we’re on.” _

_ “Do you want me to shut it or tell you which -” Steve wasn't able to finish his sentence since Bucky whacked him over the head with the book. Because even he was sick he still managed to get on Bucky’s last nerve. “Chapter 13,” Steve muttered rubbing his head.  _

_ “13 times! Steve, you got shot 13 times!” They were different again. Steve was big now, Captain America big. (What kind of dumbass name is that? Bucky had asked when Steve had told him). But that didn’t change anything other than how they sat. And where. Instead of a sick Steve in their bed in Brooklyn, they were sitting in a medbay in Italy. Steve was laying on the bed, bandages covering basically every part of his body, while Bucky sat beside him. _

_ A few other soldiers were snickering as Bucky told Steve off. Neither of them paid them an attention. “I had to, it was either me or the civvies.” _

_ “Or your shield.” _

_ “It was on the ground.” _

_ “So you became the shield.” _

_ “Jesus, Buck, I’m fine. I can handle this now. I’ll be up and running by tomorrow night and-” _

_ “No, you fucking won't. You’re staying in this med bat for three days Steven. And then, if I and all the doctors say so, you’ll be going to barracks for a week. I will tie you done Steve, don’t try me.” _

_ The other soldiers and a nurse looked at them in amusement. They were waiting for Steve to shot something back - because of course, he would. Captain America wasn’t about to get told off by this random Sergeant, right? So they were very surprised when Steve sighed and nodded. “Fine, he said. But you gotta read to me. I stay in bed and you tell me the stories.” _

_ “You’re as bad as when you were a kid.” _

_ “Even worse, you can’t hold me down on the bed now.” _

_ “Don’t try me, Steve,” Bucky muttered, going and picking up a random book from the table in the corner. “I will tie you down.” _

_ “Yeah, yeah, you won’t need to if you read.” _

_ “You little punk.” _

_ Steve grinned. _

“Bucky?” Steve called from the kitchen. “You okay?”

Looking up from the book in his hands he nodded. The memories had him so suddenly and had just kept going like a movie. They wouldn’t stop. And Bucky didn’t want them to stop, he liked them. All three of them good put in the glass cabinet so he could watch them later. Sam had called them ‘happy memories’ and Bucky agreed. He knew what happiness was and that was it.

Not looking convinced Steve sat down beside Bucky with two plates of pasta. Bucky liked pasta and Steve made it a lot now. Steve had said he made it because it was cheap and easy but Sam had said it was because Steve wanted Bucky to have things that he liked as much as possible. “You kind of blanked,” Steve said. “I was worried.”

Picking up his fork Bucky shook his head. “I had three happy memories.”

“Oh yeah,” Steve was smiling instead of frowning now. That made Bucky glad, he didn’t like it when Bucky was sad. “What about?”

“I was reading to you. When we were children, and when we were adults, and during the war.”

“You used to read to me whenever I got sick, which was a lot.”

Bucky ate some of his pasta as he thought about the memories. He was so, so, unafraid back then. A real functioning human. And now he was this weird mess of Bucky and the asset. Because he was Bucky, yes, but he was also the asset. That wasn’t going to change just because he wanted it to. He looked at Steve, who was eating his own pasta silently. He thought about Steve and then about Captain America. They weren’t exactly the same. So maybe it wasn’t all bad that Bucky was a mess of two different things (people?). Steve looked up and smiled at Bucky.

Captain America was supposed to be a really, really, good guy. So it made sense that he wasn’t just Captain America all the time - no really, really, good guy would want to be friends (love?) with Bucky Barnes. Steve saw Bucky as  _ Bucky _ . Which was different. So Steve liked Bucky and Captain America probably didn’t. That made sense to him. There was more evidence of that, Steve and Captain America didn’t smile the same. Only Steve smiled at Bucky. He didn’t think Captain America ever smiled at him - he had smiled at Sam and Nat and Clint before. But not Bucky. That made even more sense but there was only one way to find out.

“Does Captain America like me?”

“Pardon?” Steve asked, frowning slightly.

“Does Captain America like me?”

“I don’t know what you mean. You know that I’m Captain America right?”

Bucky nodded but was frowning as well. “You’re Steve and Captain America. Like I’m Bucky and the asset. Bucky and the asset likes you. Captain America never smiles at me. Does Captain America like me?”

“Yeah,” Steve replied quietly. Then he paused, thinking. Bucky assumed he was about to go back on what he said. “I think I know what you mean. But yeah, of course, he does. He wouldn’t not like you because he still me. And Captain America’s smiles are always fake, Buck, I don’t need to fake a smile around you.”

Thinking this over, Bucky smiled. If Captain America liked him, that must mean he was really good. Bucky liked the thought of that. Steve, Sam, Nat, Clint and Captain America liked him.  That made him really happy. Like a little trophy, the thought sat front and center in his glass cabinet.

“Is that how you see yourself, Bucky and the asset?”

“Sometimes. When It’s confusing.”

“You can be whoever you want to be, Buck, you’re just like us.”

“But you want you’re Bucky back. I can be him. I will be him.”

Steve shook his head, “no, Buck. I wanted you back. Whatever that means, I’m happy.”

Trying to ignore his brain going  **_!!!!!!!!_ ** Bucky said, “okay. I can be a person. Any person that I want. A mix of Bucky and the asset?” Steve nodded, smiling. “I like that. I like me.”

“So do I.”


	14. Chapter 14

Emotions, Bucky had decided, were complicated and annoying. Steve had said all humans had them and Bucky had asked if he needed them. Steve had said yes. Which in itself was annoying. But, okay, he had emotions and he had to deal with them but the problem was, he hadn’t had emotions in a very long time. The only emotion he had was  _ listen _ and he didn’t think that was actually an emotion. But what did he know? 

The problem with emotions right now was that Sam and Clint and Nat weren’t back yet and Bucky was feeling an emotion he didn’t understand (and didn’t like). The sun had set 1 hour and 23 minutes ago, and that meant they needed to back 1 hour and 22 minutes ago. But they weren’t and now Bucky was sitting on the floor right beside the door waiting. He knew that Steve was watching him, but that wasn’t the priority right now. Sam and Nat and Clint were the priority because _ they weren’t back yet _ . Didn’t Steve understand that? 

“Bucky,” Steve called from the table. “Why don’t you sit on a chair?”

“Where are they?” Bucky asked he had already asked Steve that but Steve said questions were okay. 

“I don’t know, Buck, they’re probably just stuck in traffic. An hour isn’t that big of a deal.”

“If I was late I would get glass stuck in my foot,” he replied. Then he tensed because  _ oh god what if I gave handler Steve an idea on how to punish Sam and Nat and Clint because they were late?  _ No, no, he calmed himself down (slightly). Steve wasn’t a handler and Sam wouldn’t let Steve hurt anyone and Natasha would hit and Clint would run. They were all safe. Everyone was safe. He was safe and Steve was safe and Bucky was safe with Steve. 

Steve stood from his chair and Bucky’s mind went back to  _ handler steve oh no oh no I’ll be good _ but then Steve sat on the floor beside Bucky. “I don’t want you to worry. They can handle themselves, okay?”

Bucky thought about it for a moment. Then he decided that yes, Steve was right. Nat and Clint and Sam were good at their jobs. But - “I am still feeling things.”

“We all feel things,” Steve replied.

“About the situation. I do not understand them.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I recognize the feeling. I have felt it before. When -”  _ Steve was coughing up blood now, the doctors didn’t think he was going to make it. They said to say their goodbyes. Steve’s ma was crying by her son’s bedside, holding his hand. Bucky walked over to his other side and grabbed his hand. His vision was blurred and he was shaking all over. “He’s going to be okay,” Bucky whispered, he didn’t know who he was talking to. “He has to be.” _

_ Sarah nodded, her own tears tracing her cheeks. “Of course he will. God’ll look after him.” _

_ “He’s too stubborn to die,” Bucky replied. The thought that God would look after him didn’t send him any comfort. If God was so good then why was he letting Stevie be sick all the time? No, God didn’t matter right now - Steve did. Bucky thought of his own ma hitting Bucky in the mouth for saying that, rushing him to the church.  _

_ That didn’t matter either. What mattered right now was the weight on his chest. He was just so  _ worried _. So scared that his Stevie was going to die. And it wasn't fair. Steve was the best fella Bucky knew and he doubted that he could live without Steve at his side.  _

_ Steve coughed once, blood dribbling down his lip. Sarah sobbed and wiped it up. Bucky followed the movement, his face pale. Amazingly, Steve opened his eyes, looking up at the two of them and smiling slightly his face contorted in pain. “What’s wrong?” He asked them.  _

_ “Nothing,” Sarah said. “The doctors just left.” _

_ “What’d they say?” _

_ “That you just need to rest,” Bucky replied. “And not to be an idiot.” _

_ “No can do.” _

_ Bucky laughed a little, although it sounded more like a sob. By the time he had thought of a response, Steve was already asleep.  _ “-Worry!” Bucky said loudly, causing Steve to jump slightly. 

“What?”

“The emotion is worry. I am worried.” 

Steve nodded, “you’re worried about them. That makes sense, that’s normal.” 

“But - But it hurts and I do not know what to do with it. The emotions are running around and screaming.”

“You don’t know what to do with your emotions? What about,” he trailed off, thinking about something. Bucky stayed silent and let him think. He knew that when he was thinking, people talking to him made thinking even harder. So he stayed quiet and let Steve go through his own thoughts. “Okay,” he said after a while. “Remember the other week, before the trial, you and Natasha watched the movie with the little girl? Inside Out. Do you know what I’m talking about?” 

“Yes."

Grabbing his phone from his pocket Steve pulled up a picture of the emotions from the movie. Bucky didn’t know where this was going but he trusted Steve. “Maybe it’ll be easier for you to control the emotions if you saw them like this?”

“Where did you get that idea from?” Bucky asked, frowning. He wasn’t a  _ child _ . He was actually a grown man that could handle- but he wasn’t. And that, and that wasn’t a bad thing. It was just how it was and he trusted Steve. He should at least hear him out. 

“I was looking up ways to deal with people struggling with emotions,” Steve admitted, his cheeks pink. “And I thought, well you liked the movie. So maybe this would be good for you as well.”

“I - I can try it. But I’m not a baby.”

“No one thinks you’re a baby. You’re the oldest one on the team.”

Bucky kind of laughed at that. The idea that he was the oldest was a strange thought. He shouldn’t have that kind of responsibility - not anymore. “Guess I am. Okay, how does this work?”

“Uh, what are your most common emotions?”

“Confusion,” Bucky said instantly and then stalled. He didn’t know how to put the rest into words. “Confusion, fear, nothing, like, and - and. There’s one that I don’t know the word for. I just think of it like a bunch of exclamation marks.”

Steve nodded. Bucky didn’t know if Steve thought they were good answers. He knew that nothing and like weren’t emotions but that’s what he felt. As he said, his emotions were confusing at the best of time. Those summed it up. And then he had a bunch of exclamation marks. That definitely wasn’t an emotion. “Okay. So, now you have your emotions. If one of the sadder emotions makes you feel bad, you can let like or your really good one or even nothing make them go away if they’re bothering you.”

“How?”

“Well, when I’m sad I - I uh get my happy emotion to bring up a happy memory. Then I don’t have to be as sad. Could you do that? You kind of do it already, but this is - is more real I guess. ‘Cause you can actually imagine the emotion bringing up the good memory.” 

Bucky was confused (Hey! An emotion) because the Steve he knew from before was very different than this one. The old Steve would never suggest a movie (for kids) to be the base of how to control your emotions. But he kind of liked it. He didn’t see why it couldn’t work out, anyway. He already his thought system, maybe he just needed to add some emotions in there to work. 

He was worrying about Sam and Clint and Nat. Worried that they wouldn’t be safe wherever they were. So he thought about how he had seen them fighting. Clint never missed a shot and Nat was the best of the best and Sam was extremely skilled. Yeah, okay, he wasn’t as worried. He could see that he didn’t need to be worried. Bucky changed his emotion to sad because he had worked for Hydra. (Sad kind of just summed up all the really,  _ really _ , negative feelings he had) And then he made his  _!!!!! _ emotion bring up a memory of Steve telling him that he was good and - “it worked!”   


Steve looked as relieved as Bucky felt. And that made Bucky happy. So now he was happy and he wasn’t as  _ worried _ now. Because he was safe with Steve here and the others were safe wherever they were. 

“When did you love me?” Bucky asked. Because the memory of Steve telling him  _ you’re good Bucky _ had changed to a little Steve (like little and younger and in a drafty apartment cuddled on a bed) saying  _ I love you Bucky _ .  

If Steve was surprised by the question he didn’t show it. “I was sixteen and you were seventeen. We were doing homework and then we ended up wrestling. I looked into your eyes and just realized that I had been in love with you forever. Then you called me stupid and I fell even harder. Why?”

“I wanted to know,” he paused and frowned slightly. “And now I do. Ha.” 

“What?”

“I get what I want now, like before. Because I’m a full person, like you.”

“That’s right,” Steve said. Bucky thought he looked very happy. “You are.”

Bucky stood up from the floor and went into the kitchen. “I am going to make myself a hot chocolate,” he declared, his tone almost challenging. He was shaking, he knew that, but he was going to do this. So he did, he had watched Steve more than enough to know how to and he only freaked a little when the water boiled ( _ you little bitch. I wished you scared so you could remember how much of a failure you are. Some Hydra’s greatest you are. Wish you would just fucking die you - _ ). 

And then he took his mug of hot chocolate and took a sip. It was good, just like always but - “I don’t want it” and he poured it down the sink. His eyes never leaving Steve’s. It was another challenge. He wanted to see how Steve would react to him being bad ( _ “you piece of shit! Can you never not fail?” A cold hand across his face and - Sam smiling down at him as he sobbed on the floor “you’re not bad Bucky. We all like you.” _ ) because deep down he knew. Deep down he knew that Steve wouldn’t hurt him but it was still scary. The memories of Hydra were there. The memories of handlers hurting him just because they could. 

Steve watched him do it. Not saying a word. Bucky looked back at the sink and  _ why did you do that Barnes? Wasted a perfectly good cup of hot chocolate. Couldn’t you have used something you didn’t like to see what would happen?  _ But it would be okay because he was allowed to make another one. 

_ “Don’t waste food James, it’s hard enough to find any now.”  
_ _ “This is all you’re getting until the mission’s finished. You don’t deserve any more.”   
_ _ “I know James, I know, but it’s the only thing we can afford right now.”  
_ _ “All items are to be returned in working order!”  
_ _ “I’ll pick up another shift, we’ll eat tomorrow. Promise.”   
_ _ “No more food. We shouldn’t have to waste food on a machine.”   
_ _ “The cupboards are bare George. What do you want me to do?”   
_ __ “Give me your pack. You’re not having any more.”

_ “Do you want another hot chocolate?” _

The mug in Bucky’s hand snapped, pieces of white ceramic going everywhere. Steve jumped up, his hands going onto Bucky’s shoulders ( _ a handler shaking him “do your fucking job!” _ ) and he guided him to his bed. “Bucky,” Steve said. He sounded so far away. Bucky hated it. “I’m right here, it’s okay,” he was wiping at Bucky’s cheeks. When his eyes got less misty he was able to see Steve again. Kneeling right beside him, a kind and warm smile on his face and  _ worry _ in his eyes. “Are you alright?” He asked.  _ Alright _ . Bucky nodded and Steve smiled. “Good. What happened there Buck?”

“Too many memories. Bad ones.” 

Steve nodded and cupped Bucky’s cheek. It felt good. Bucky really liked this. “Do you need anything?”

Tears started spilling out of Bucky’s eyes (again). Steve looked even more worried, moving to sit beside him so Bucky could be pulled into his side. He like this position as well. Hugging Steve was always good. Steve was rubbing Bucky’s right arm, up and down, a grounding pattern that calmed him down whenever Steve did it. After a few minutes he sobs had changed to hiccups and he wasn’t drowning in tears anymore. “Sorry,” he muttered. “Sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I -” he was cut off when a car pulled up right outside their motel room. Three doors opened and closed, Bucky jumped up from the bed. His previous emotion (sad) gone and replaced with  _!!!!!! _ because they were home! Sam and Clint and Nat were back and safe! They were back and Bucky couldn’t be happier. Steve stood as well and smiled at Bucky. They were back and  _ it was only two hours after sunset so they would only be punished for four hours and they could handle it and they would be okay afterward and _ \- NO! They weren’t going to be punished. Not here. Not now. No more.

When the door opened Bucky did something he didn’t expect he would. He ran straight into Sam’s arms. As soon as he nestled around Sam he froze. It was,  _ unexpected _ , to say the least. But it made sense - Bucky liked Sam and he liked hugs. The two things together would make for something even better. Sam froze as well, before wrapping his arms around Bucky and rubbing his back. Bucky was right, though, Sam and hugs were a good combination _. I won’t let anything bad happen to you, _ Bucky thought as he got hugged.  _ I won’t let anyone hurt you - I hurt you - I nearly killed you and you probably don't want to be hugging me because I’m bad and, and, and. And it wasn’t my fault. It was my hands but it was Hydra and Sam likes me. Sam hugs back and probably likes it. _

“Are you okay?” Sam asked when Bucky, finally, pulled away. 

“Steve’s not going to punish you.”

“I know that.”

“He said he won’t put glass in your feet.”

Sam pulled Bucky back into the hug.  _ Strangulation, he’s going to try and kill you. Your back in unprotected. Fight back!  _ Bucky frowned at himself. He didn’t like these thoughts at all. Not nice.  _ Shut up _ , he told the voice (the asset?) in his head.  _ Sam likes me and I like Sam. He’s not going to try and kill me. _

Bucky pulled back again, this time actually stepping away. He needed to check them all over for injuries. He frowned and his hand started shaking. Everything felt like it was on fire - he NEEDED to cheek them over. Like if he didn’t check them over  _ right now _ he would burst into flames. Still shaking he surveyed all of them - they looked tired and dirty. Covered in blood but no external issues (likely not theirs then). A faint scent of electricity but they weren’t electrically charged (Sam hadn’t shocked him when they touched). Bucky’s hand stopped shaking when he cataloged his friends. (Huh, friends. What a nice thought.) 

He stepped back into Steve’s side, clutching Steve’s shirt like a child. He was exhausted suddenly - even though he had slept in. Which wasn’t good, he should be able to go at least seventy two hours without sleeping on missions,  _ this was a weakness that needed to be changed before his handlers knew about it and - _

“You okay?” Steve asked. 

_ \- And that didn’t matter. He didn’t need to go on missions anymore. He could be safe with Steve in the motel rooms. _ “Yes, I’m great.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're in the home stretch now, let's just hope they get a happy ending...


	15. Chapter 15

Steve looked at Bucky for a moment before turning to the others. “Have you had dinner?” They shook their heads in sync. Steve set Bucky down at the table, besides Sam, and went to the kitchen. “What happened?” 

“We got there, they’re loading a truck with - with stuff,” Clint said. “About a hundred armed guards watching. A complete surprise. So we’re stuck in the trees all day. Finally, we decide we have to move in or we’re going to lose all this stuff. I shot a few of them from a distance and then Sam and Nat get up close. It took us a while, and some near misses, before we got it under control. The truck was almost loaded so we finished loading it and drive off.”

“What’s in the truck?” Steve asked. 

“All sorts,” Nat replied. “Weapons, files, audio, video. It looked like a storage bin or something. There’s an eighteen wheeler parked just outside the city waiting for us.” 

“Tony, he emailed me. He said that the UN’s put together a team of people to try and fight back against Hydra with us. Sharon Carter is heading it up. He asked if we wanted to work with them or not.” 

Nat raised her eyebrows. “Colour me surprised. Didn’t think they had it in them.”

“What do you think we should do?” Steve muttered, plating something up. “I mean, having some help would be good but I don’t know if I can trust them.”

“I mean, there’s a lot to go through with this truck. Like, it’s just stuff. They could be useful there,” Sam replied. 

Clint nodded. “There is a lot, it’d take us weeks to go through everything. If there was a team of people, that didn’t live in a motel, it wouldn’t take as long. And by the way they were guarding the base, that stuff might be important. Did Tony say if the team was private or CIA or what?”

“Private, he’s helping them and Sharon’s leading. A whole lot of agents from across, the world I guess, are coming on board,” Steve replied. “So it’s different agencies which means a smaller chance of corruption.” 

“Do you trust Sharon?” Nat asked.

“Yeah,” Steve nodded. “I do. I don’t think she’d let anyone bad on her team. Maybe we should.”

“It’s up to you Cap,” Clint replied. 

Bucky thought that Steve would rather anyone else was in charge. Did they not see that or were they just pretending not to notice? Probably the latter. They seemed to know Steve very well. Steve was looking at Bucky now and a plate was on the table. They all had a plate of food in front of them. When was that put down? It was leftovers from the night before, pizza from a shop opposite them. Bucky liked pizza. Steve was still looking at him, almost expently but he hadn’t asked anything. 

Steve sighed, flopping down beside Bucky. “I think I should talk to Sharon before we decide anything.”

“We thought we could send the guns to Tony anyway,” Sam said. “We think they’re firing electricity or something like that.”

“I’m sure Tony would like to get his hands on them then,” Steve muttered looking at Bucky with a frown. “Yeah, okay, I’ll message him back and Sharon if we can meet. Then we can go from there,” he turned his gaze to Sam - who was to busy eating pizza to notice - and all but studied his friend. Bucky noticed, and so did Nat, but Steve just kept staring. It was clear that he was lost deep in thought, and by the looks of it, the thoughts were about sam. He kept staring until Bucky ate the last of his pizza and Steve was asking if he wanted more. 

Once everyone was finished and the plates were away they ended up in the little living room of the motel. Sam was in one arm and so was Natasha, Clint was perched on her armrest and kept trying to touch her hair and she kept swatting at him. Steve and Bucky were sitting behind them on Steve’s bed, watching the TV through them. First, they watched the news, which talked about them and the Hydra base they just hit. They always watched the news to see what was happening. Sam had told Steve there was constant news on his phone once, Steve had told him that he knew that but he liked watching the news. It reminded him of newspapers. Bucky had said Steve sold newspapers as a kid and then everyone started laughing. 

During the sitcom that came on after the news, Nat got annoyed enough and Clint ended up on the floor, and then the two of them left. Sam stayed with Bucky and Steve and flicked over to a football re-run. The three of them watched in a comfortable silence before Sam gasped. “You guys grew up in the thirties!”

“I thought that was common knowledge,” Steve replied, eyebrow raised. 

Sam rolled his eyes but was basically vibrating with excitement. “You guys must have listened to sports on the radio or something equally old timely!”

Steve scoffed. “Yes, Sam, we would listen to baseball broadcasts on the radio.” 

“We had one in my room,” Bucky said, smiling as a barrage of good memories came. “We’d listen to it together.” 

“Yeah, we did. The two of us and Rebecca saved up for months to be able to get the parts for that thing. I think it took us about a year.”

“We made it ourselves.”

“You made a radio?”

“Of course we did,” Steve rolled his eyes. “We couldn’t afford a pre-made one. I knew of like three people in our area that rich.”

Sam’s eyes widened. “Rich enough to have a pre-made radio. Man the depression was weird,” he stood and stretched. “I’m gonna get some sleep, today was - a lot. See you guys in the morning. We should get pancakes.” 

“Night Sam,” Steve said as Sam left the room. “Do you want to go to bed?” He asked Bucky, who nodded in response. Steve turned off the TV and went into the bathroom, leaving Bucky alone in his thoughts - which were racing. Steve came back into the room and settled down into his bed, watching Bucky just stare at his bed. He was standing beside the pillow and looking down with a frown on his face and his fingers twitching. “Buck? Are you okay?”

He nodded but didn’t move. “I -” he cut himself off before stalking to the bathroom. Steve watched the door in concern, waiting for him to come out. Which he did a few moments later, still frowning and his hand shaking. 

“Bucky?”

“I’m okay,” he replied, lying down and facing away from Steve. “Good night.”

~~

Steve woke up about an hour later. Bucky was twisting and turning on the bed, a constant string of whimpers leaving his mouth. Steve jumped out of his bed and moved to shake Bucky awake. This was always a dangerous thing to do, Bucky could easily lash out with his metal arm and cause serious damage. Sothe first thing he did was pin that arm down to the bed before shaking him. “Bucky! Come on, wake up!”

Bucky sat up instantly, pushing Steve off him. His eyes were frantic as he surveyed the entire room. “Steve?” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m here,” he replied, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“What happened?”

“You were having a nightmare.”

He nodded, relaxing back into the bed. Steve took it as a sign he wanted to go back to sleep so he stood. It was a complete surprise to him when Bucky reached out and grabbed his wrist. “Don’t go,” he whispered. Steve pointed to his bed and was about to explain that he would be right there when Bucky shook his head. “Stay here, please.”

“Sure Buck,” Steve replied. The bed was a bit bigger than a normal single but still wasn’t huge. And was definitely not big enough for two super soldiers. But still, Steve tried to stay as close to the edge as possible, letting Bucky have his space. It was a challenge but he wasn’t about to let Bucky feel threatened by him, not in his bed. Because, while Bucky liked to be held by and to hug Steve, he wasn’t going to do it without permission. Just as he was falling asleep he felt Bucky shift and then, suddenly, he was being lifted up by the back of his shirt. He opened his eyes just as Bucky dropped him on his chest and wrapped his arms around Steve’s torso. A smile graced Steve’s face as he rested his cheek on Bucky’s shoulder. 

“We used to do this,” Bucky said sounding surer than ever. “When you were little and during the war. My little heater.”

Steve nodded lazily, “we did. A few times so of the Howlies would join in, ‘cause I ran hot.”

“My little heater,” Bucky repeated. “When I was put in cryo, I always missed you. I didn’t know what I missed but I did. I asked once, asked what I was missing. They broke my fingers and told me not to talk but I still missed it. Missed you.”

“I’m so sorry, Bucky. I-”

“It wasn’t your fault. You died trying to stop Hydra, wasn’t like you knew.”

“I know, but I -”

Bucky interrupted him again. “I don’t blame you. You’re here now and that’s what matters. I was always confused because I missed you but I didn’t know that I was missing anything. I, I just wanted to be good but it was so hard because I was confused,” he started threading his fingers through Steve’s hair absentmindedly. “I wish I didn’t want to be good. Because I know now that I wasn’t good, I was bad. But that doesn’t always make sense.” 

“No one thinks you were bad, Buck, we all think Hydra’s bad and you’re not Hydra.”

“I still worked for them.”

“Not willingingly.”

He shrugged as best he could with Steve on him. “Still did it. Made it easier on them.” 

Steve tightened his grip on Bucky. Hearing his best friend speak of himself so lowly was making him angrier than he had felt in a long time. The idea of anyone thinking that Bucky was a villain, well, it didn’t even make sense to him. “No, Bucky, don’t think like that. You’re a victim of Hydra and I will fight anyone who says differently, you included.”

“You wouldn’t fight me,” Bucky said with a little laugh. “You looooove me.”

“I do,” Steve nodded, “but I will fight if you think you’re not innocent.” 

“Can I - can I tell you about my dream?” Bucky asked, and then instantly started rambling nervously. “It’s just - just that when I say them allowed and I know you know it makes them less scary. And that’s stupid but it works and I feel safer. I don’t mind if you say no because it’s not fair of me to ask you to listen to me constantly when you have dreams as well and - and - and forget it. It’s okay. I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry.”

Steve reached up and stroked Bucky’s cheek. He used to do this during the war when Bucky was upset about what happened that day. It always calmed him down, and it was doing it again. For a brief moment, Steve marveled on the fact that seventy years later, seventy years of torture and brainwashing and forgetting. After all that time, Bucky still leaned into his hand just like he did in the 40’s. “It’s okay Bucky, you can tell me. Truly, I don’t mind and I just want you to be happy.”

“Sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Steve replied. “Now, do you want to tell me?”

“My first mission, I tried to get away because I saw a little blonde kid walking down a side street. I didn’t remember you but I knew that was important. It was like a reaction that was buried too deep for them to wipe. I ran down the street, he was gone, but I needed to get to, somewhere. That’s all I could think. They caught up with me and sedated me until we got back to the base. I don’t remember my punishment for that, I was wiped for so long after that. They didn’t want me to remember little blonde boys. But, I do remember another punishment, they kept it in so I would know. I spoke back to a handler, told him no - no I wouldn’t do something. They just started kicking and kicking, there were six of them, and I remember being confused and scared and angry but I didn’t fight back. Just lay there and let them kick me until I was nearly dead. And then they told me off for getting blood on their boots, made me clean them with my tongue.” 

Steve sucked in, not knowing how to respond other than wrapping his arms around Bucky even tighter. “I’m so sorry.”

“Stevie?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too Bucky,” Steve replied looking up. “More than anything.”

Tilting his head, Bucky looked down at Steve. “I don’t deserve you,” he said. “I never did.”

“You deserve a whole lot more than me,” Steve said with, no room for arguments. “Always have, Buck. I was the lucky fool who ended up with you by my side.”

Bucky smiled, shaking his head. But he was smiling so Steve was as well. They were smiling at each other, bad dreams and worse memories forgotten as they stared at each other, like it was the thirties again. Like nothing bad had happened to them. Bucky’s smile grew even bigger, Steve was about to ask why and then Bucky’s lips were on his own.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning* - Description of torture and murder

The next morning, when Steve was making hot chocolate, the others came in. Bucky was laying on the bed they had slept in, reading something on his tablet. Sam clapped Steve on the back, causing him to grunt in surprise. Bucky looked up in alarm, stared at Sam for a moment and then went back to his tablet, apparently deeming the situation okay. Steve handed him a mug before joining the others at the table. “I emailed Tony and Sharon this morning,” he said. “We’re meeting them both in London at the end of the week.”

Sam nodded, “sounds good. Do you think you’re going to let them help?” He asked, pulling a mug closer to him.

“Sharon lied to me for months,” Steve muttered. “I don’t know.”

 

“Agents lie,” Nat replied. “It’s part of the job, we need to keep cover.” 

Steve sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He looked over at Bucky, who looked up and smiled. “I know. I do, and I’m willing to let them help. But I need to know it’s not going to be more Hydra trying to hide their stuff. I’m really sick of Hydra.”

“Who knows, this might be the end of them,” Clint said. 

“Hope so,” Steve nodded. “What do you guys want to do today, anything new to work with?” 

“We could start going through that truck,” Nat replied. “At least so we know a little bit about what we have before we go to London.”

“Where is the truck?” Steve asked. 

Nat waved her hand, “a few miles out. We got into a bus parking lot about half an hour east.”

“We should go and start sorting through it. You’re right about that. Even if we don’t do all of it before Friday I think it’ll help. Before we go there do you want to get breakfast?” Everyone at the table nodded, “Bucky, do you want to get some food?” The man in question looked up and nodded. “Pancakes?” Steve guessed and Bucky nodded again, an almost dreamy smile on his face. “Let’s go.” 

They all stood, Bucky included and got changed into casual clothes. Steve was about to pull on one of his sweaters (sue him, it was cold) when Bucky snatched it right out of Steve’s hands. Pulling it on Bucky smiled at Steve and said, “I want this one.”

“Okay, Bucky,” Steve smiled and kissed his forehead. 

“You used to steal my clothes,” Bucky said once they were dressed. “In Brooklyn when you were small. I’d come into our apartment and you’d be in my jumper with a little grin on your face like you were so cute,” he paused and laughed. “You were cute.”

“Were? Am I not cute anymore?” Steve joked. 

Bucky hummed at stepped, hesitantly, closer to Steve. “I would like to kiss you again.”

“You can kiss me again. Only if you want to.” 

He leaned up and pressed his lips to Steve’s, who stayed very still and let Bucky have complete control. It was only for a moment, hardly an exciting kiss (especially when compared to kisses from before the war) but it still meant the world to Steve. Because it meant so much more. It meant that Bucky was coming back. When Bucky pulled back from the kiss he wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist and rested his head on Steve’s chest with a content sigh. Steve smiled down at him, rubbing a hand up and down his back, just like before. Bucky pulled back from the hug after a few moments and pressed a quick kiss to the corner of Steve’s mouth. 

After that, they made their way to the door. Nat, Clint, and Sam were already standing by their car. And Clint was handing cash over to Sam, who was grinning. “Really?” Steve asked, shaking his head at them. 

Sam shrugged, “life’s boring. We,” he waved the wad of cash in his hand “made it more exciting.” 

“Did you bet on when we’d have our first kiss?” Bucky asked all three of them nodded. “And today was the day?”

“I said it would be before next Monday,” Sam said.

“You’re only about eighty-five years late,” Bucky said with a grin. His hand tightened in Steve’s though, so he was nervous about talking back but he had done it. 

Clint made a face, “before you got frozen doesn’t count.”

“I mean technically I kissed Steve in New York, but it was on the cheek so does that count?”

Natasha’s face lit up, “it does,” she said as she held out her hand for the cash, a very disgruntled, Sam was holding. “And that’s what I said.” 

“You all suck,” Steve muttered. “Stop betting on our sex life, it’s weird.” 

“No one said anything about sex,” Sam said with a grin. “Damn, Cap.”

Steve screwed up his face and muttered something to quietly for Bucky to hear. Then he was walking to the car, Bucky trailing behind. Sam laughed, Nat and Clint, following him before the three of them got in the car as well. Steve started the car, ignoring the occasional giggle coming from the back - and yes, they were definitely giggling. Bucky was holding his hand across the center console, something that Sam had cooed at, so Steve really didn’t care if his friends were laughing at him. 

They made it to a small diner off the highway easily, the laughter had started to die down by then. It was basically empty inside, only one man sitting on the bench. A waitress sat them down by the window and handed them each a menu, going over the specials of the day. She kept looking at Bucky, even from behind the counter. Steve started to fidget, hoping to God she was just curious. The others seemed to pick up on it as well, as they ate quickly and in a soft silence. If Bucky realized, and Steve very much doubted he didn’t, he didn’t say anything. 

Natasha got them to the truck, sweet talking the guard into letting them into the base. It was parked at the very back, tucked in behind a building and up against a chain link fence. “Is it full?” Steve asked, holding back a groan when Clint nodded. He wasn’t one to complain about work but, if he was being honest, he didn’t want to be here right now. He’d much be somewhere, holding Bucky. 

But, he was here and he was going to work. Because fuck Hydra. So they got into it. Each person took a box out of the truck and worked in the shade the building provided. The first box Steve got was a box of logbook copies - exciting stuff. He set that one to the side, it wasn’t that important right now. The next one was a bit better, known aliases of Hydra agents, and it was dated ‘97 so they could still be in use. 

“Cap, you speak Gaelic right?” Sam asked, beckoning him over when Steve nodded. “What does this say.”

“Oh,” Steve said, eyes wide. “It’s about Bucky, audio files” hearing his name, Bucky looked up to listen. “From,” he read the top slip, “‘75-’82. Bucky, why’s it in Irish?” He paused “The troubles?” Bucky nodded hesitantly like he only had a vague recollection. 

They were mainly CD’s so Sam suggested they use the car to listen. Steve really didn’t want to, judging by Bucky’s face this wasn’t going to be fun. He was pale and shaking, hand clutching Steve’s as they sat in the front of the car. Clint handed him the first CD and Steve played it. The audio was full of static, but it was clear enough. 

“1972, January 14. The asset is going to need recalibration and punishment. There was a group of schoolgirls in the hotel he was meant to bomb. He didn’t do it, stood there like a statue and refused to move until we tasered him. He’s currently chained outside without his gear, it started snowing approximately four hours ago. We will bring him in when he begs.”

“1972, January 26. The punishment is over. After leaving him in the snow for twelve hours we covered him with freezing water. He was placed in a cell and we left him in there for the 12 days.”

“1972, October 13. He performed well on this mission. Not hesitating when ordered to shoot out the tires of a car with a family inside. When he came back to the base he started acting erratically, fighting agents who tried to fix his left arm. Another agent shot him in the stomach and he became still until his arm was fixed.” 

“1973, March 31. After burning down one of the churches on the list he panicked, begging for forgiveness. Then he started speaking Latin. Higher-ups suggest we place him in the cryo tank we have until we can bring out the chair. We will send him on another mission before we send him to cryo.”

“1973, April 4. He is now in cryo and the chair is on its way. After a mission involving destroying a bridge, he tried to run. When we retrieved he asked what year it was and where Steve was. We told him the truth and he became compliant again. He will not be awoken until we have his chair.”

“1976, November 21. The chair arrived and we brought the asset out of cryo. He remembered what had happened the previous time he was awake. He refused to get in the chair and punched three guards, who died before we were able to subdue him. We placed him back into cryo, locking the door -”

“They didn’t put me to sleep,” Bucky said turning off the CD. “Made me stay in the cold, awake for a month. Told me I could come out when I was ready to be good. When I would go to the chair. I told them to go fuck themselves ‘because I remembered. I screamed at them until my throat bleed,” he let out a cynical laugh and squeezed Steve’s hand. “They laughed at me and told me there was nothing to remember because I wasn’t anything. But-” 

He leaned forward and pressed play on the CD. “-a month after the chair arrived, the asset went to the chair willingly.”

“I ended up wanting to forget,” he laughed again. “I was so scared. They told me you were dead and it was the seventies. But that doesn’t excuse it,” he said looking at Steve with tears in his eyes, “I went. Willingly.” 

Steve wiped a tear that was trailing down Bucky’s cheek. “It’s okay Bucky. No one blames you for that. No one.”

“You should.”

“We don’t.”

“Why? Because you have memories of us fucking before all this? Because you can’t SEE what’s in front of you?” He let go of Steve’s hand and clambered to get out of the car, everyone following. “I mean I get it. You can pretend because it makes it easier. Pretend that I’m still the same Bucky when I’m not. How-” his voice started shaking “-can you listen to those tapes and be okay with me?” He had started crying now. “Is it because you loved me before I turned into a monster? And what about you?” He turned to the others, laughing without humor and crumbling in on himself. “How can you look at me?” his voice turned soft, but he was sobbing loudly, “all you know about me is I tried to kill you.”

Steve stepped closer, not close enough to touch but to show he was there. “Yes, Bucky. I do love you and maybe that’s skewed my judgment. But I still listen to those tapes, see the pictures, hear what you went through. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Bucky that wasn’t you. It was Hydra.”

“My hands are covered in blood.”

“No they’re not,” Steve shook his head. “No, they’re not.”

Bucky looked to the others, who all nodded in agreement with Steve. His sobs got heavier. “I don’t deserve this.”

“Yes you do,” Steve replied. His hands twitched like he wanted to reach out for Bucky. He caught the movement and sobbed again, falling forward. Steve caught him, bringing him into his chest and holding him tight. “You deserve the world, Bucky, God knows it owes you some happiness. And I’ll do whatever I can in order to get you to a place where you believe me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 3 more chapters!!


	17. Chapter 17

London was, in Bucky’s opinion, loud. He had gotten used to small villages and out of the way motels. Not major cities and 5-star hotels that Tony Stark set them up in. But, the five stay thing he could get used to. Steve and he had their own room, a double bed even. It was nice (“you deserve nice things, Buck”). And Sam had his own room next to them and Nat and Clint were opposite them. 

They were in London to meet up with Tony Stark and an agent called Sharon Carter who Bucky didn’t know. Steve knew her. Said she was a good agent who helped him take Hydra out of SHIELD. He also said that she didn’t blame him and that Tony Stark didn’t anymore. Which, if he was being honest, sounded fake. But Steve hadn’t lied to him before so he wasn’t about to stop trusting him for no reason. Steve was inherently good, which made Bucky very uh - very happy? ( _ No _ ) Safe? ( _ No _ ) Warm? ( _ No _ ) Comfortable?  _ Yes _ . Steve was inherently good, which made Bucky very comfortable. Anyway, Steve was good which meant he didn’t lie which meant Bucky trusted him which meant he was happy to go the restaurant.

The restaurant was just as fancy as the hotel. When they arrived a man in a red suit (Bucky didn’t like the red suit and clutched Steve’s hand because  _ it looked just like a man he had shoten and the blood had spilled everywhere and - _ ) Tony Stark shook everyone hands when they sat down. He had muttered something about Bucky’s arm but otherwise hadn’t spoken to him. Yet. Sharon Carter sent flirty glances at Steve that Steve didn’t see and made Bucky laugh with Nat. Sharon Carter was nice, even if she clearly liked Steve, and didn’t say that Bucky was Hydra. So, win.

After the waiter had left with their drinks order (Bucky was trying something called an iced chocolate. Sam said he might like it) Tony Stark cleared his throat. “Thanks for meeting with us,” he said looking at no one.

“We all want the same thing,” Steve replied. He looked so serious but he was playing with Bucky’s fingers under the table - _ Steve vs Captain America _ , Bucky decided. “Hydra gone for good.”

“And it makes sense to team up,” Nat continued after Steve, even though Bucky thought that Natasha didn’t like teaming up with people she didn’t know very well. Spy stuff. “Pool all our resources.” 

“Honesty and transparency are the most important things here,” Sharon Carter replied. It made Bucky feel  _ un _ comfortable, the way she looked at Steve. Like he was  _ hers _ . The jealousy that Bucky was feeling surprised him. He was never really jealous of people, even before the war. But he was now. Or - at least, he thought he was, emotions were still confusing. “This can’t be SHIELD 2.0.”

“We have a truck full of information you can take a look at,” Sam said. “Just outside the city.”

“And a whole lot of weapons we need you to look at,” Clint said pointing the little fork at Tony Stark. 

Tony Stark looked excited, “I’ll be happy to go over them. How many do I have to play with?”

“Seventy? All the same,” Nat replied. “Apparently it’s a Hydra standard.” 

“Well, awesome.” 

The waiter came back over with a tray full of drinks. He handed Tony Stark something with an umbrella in it which Bucky instantly  _ wanted _ . It was pink and had white circles on it. It was cute. Steve had a glass of water while Nat had something clear that  _ wasn’t _ water. Clint had cola and both Sam and Sharon Carter had a beer. A tall and wide glass was sat down in front of Bucky that smelt like hot chocolate but was cold to the touch. He looked over at Sam for confirmation, he nodded and Bucky tried some. It was nice - really nice. But he was still focused on the umbrella. They started talking again, casual chatter that Bucky wasn’t paying attention to. He was staring, subtly, at the umbrella in Tony Stark’s glass. Was wanting something that someone else had okay? 

He had taken Steve’s jumper from him last week but that was different. Steve didn’t mind when he wasn’t - wasn’t  _ right _ . Tony Stark probably would. But Bucky didn’t need to wonder anymore as a few moments later a little pink umbrella was being held out to him. Bucky grinned at Steve, kissed his cheek (Tony Stark coughed when he did) and took the umbrella. 

It was  _ cute _ !

Steve was speaking now, so Bucky tuned in to the conversation. “We’ll keep doing what we’re doing but we’ll relay information to you and your team. You can do the same.”

Sharon Carter didn’t look happy at the suggestion. “We work as a team. All of us.”

“No offense, Sharon, but I don’t want to work for anyone. Not anymore.”

“I get that, but it’s better that we stay together.”

“More ground covered,” Nat argued, “if we split up.”

“Or we have a whole lot of miscommunication,” Sharon Carter replied. Bucky did not like her tone of voice. She sounded angry and looked like she was the kind of person who would fight _.  _ Like _ Steve _ . As she spoke she started waving her hands around more and more, gesturing as she went. “Teamwork is important, that’s what Peggy always said. She created SHIELD because she knew what a team of people could create.” 

Now Bucky really didn’t like how Sharon Carter was speaking. She was glaring at them, almost challenging them. Which was dumb because he very much doubted that she could take all five of them. He could see six things in arms reach that he could kill her with. He had done it before, with a fork.  _ It had gone into the target’s neck and had sprayed him in blood, he had been soaked in red and it was sticky. They didn’t let him wipe it off until after the debriefing. It had made his hair clump and his tac gear stick to his chest. And it had smelt so bad, made Bucky feel dizzy for hours. And  _ \- Steve squeezed Bucky’s hand. “You okay?”

“Yes,” he muttered back. Now aware of everyone staring at him. He moved his forks to Steve’s plate. He could order soup. 

“Look, we can compromise,” Sharon Carter said. “We can allow you to continue what you’re doing but in between missions you come back to base. Debrief. Let us help you.”

“We don’t want to be overseen.”

Sharon Carter nodded at Sam, “you won't. You can be your own team. You won’t report to anyone and we won’t tell you what to do. But you will tell us what you find. It’s just to make it easier for us to help you.”

“Any information on Bucky or the Winter Soldier comes straight to us,” Steve said. “No one else. And if  _ we _ find it, we don’t need to share it with anyone else.” 

“Okay,” Sharon Carter said with a frown on her face. “Fine. We’ll have it a contract written up by Monday. Which we can amend before signing, don’t worry. Just the basic and important stuff first. Now, about the truck, what’s in it?”

Clint chugged his drink before he spoke. “A whole lot of crap. The base we took was basically just a storage facility. I think it’s more appropriate to ask what’s not in there.” 

Bucky stopped listening to them talking about the truck and other stuff like  _ contract negotiations and rules and regulations. _ He was reading the menu that Steve had handed him. There were lots of options but Bucky had decided to not use a fork - bad memories -  _ triggering memories  _ \- so he was limited to the soups. Which was still a lot of options. Well, technically he didn’t need a fork to eat, Hydra made him eat off the floor sometimes. But he didn’t think this restaurant would be happy with that. The picture made him laugh. Ordering a meal and then eating it like a dog. Steve looked over and asked what Bucky had found funny and when Bucky explained it, Steve didn’t look very happy. But he said it was okay for Bucky to find it funny if he wanted to. 

The waiter came back over and asked if they wanted to order. Everyone bar Steve order theirs, Bucky going before Steve. After he had ordered the chicken soup Steve asked, “why soup?” He wasn’t looking at Bucky though. He was looking at the fork on his plate. “No forks?” Bucky nodded and Steve looked up at the waiter. “Chicken soup, and the bread plate for two.” 

“You can use a fork,” Bucky commented when the waiter walked away. “You didn’t stab -” he paused trying to remember “Madison.”

“I know I didn’t,” Steve replied with a small frown. “But I can still get soup.”

“Are they always this gross?” Tony Stark asked.

Sam nodded, “sadly, they are,” he was solemn sounding but winked at Bucky. He was  _ joking _ . 

“Disgusting,” Tony Stark said but he was smiling. “Okay, so now that’s all over let’s chat. How have you been?”

“Oh, great,” Clint replied. “I love motels.”

“We’ve just been working,” Steve shrugged. “What about you?”

Tony Stark shrugged. “Made a lot of new suits, pissed off my girlfriend, found another enhanced. Not much else.” 

“Another enhanced?” Nat asked, perking up. “Who?”

“Identity is a secret, but he was bitten by a radioactive spider and now has some weird spider powers. Basically. He’s really smart, works for me now. Interning, for the time being, will probably be the owner of it one day if we’re being honest.”

Steve looked very happy at Tony Stark’s words. Bucky was confused as to why that was the case but whatever, right? He was confused a lot of the time now. “That’s great, Tony,” he said with a genuine smile. They started talking more. About what they had been up to, Bucky had nothing to contribute and none of this was mission relative so he didn’t need to listen at all. Which was a very - a very  _ freeing _ thought to have. He wasn’t the Winter Soldier anymore, he wasn’t an asset or a machine. He didn’t need to go on missions if he didn’t want. Not anymore. That made him feel very  _ happy _ . 

Bucky started playing with the umbrella in his drink, spinning it between his metal fingers and watching the white dots make trials. Very pretty. So it made him very  _ sad _ when the toothpick it was attached to snapped. He couldn’t spin it anymore. Tony Stark was looking at him when he looked up (he was pouting because he wanted his umbrella back) and it made him embarrassed. He felt like a child. Upset because his toy had broken. Tony Stark didn’t seem to regard him as a child, however. Because he handed over his own umbrella to Bucky. Who smiled in thanks and continued twirling it around. 

The waiter came back over and started handing out dishes. Natasha had gotten a salad for her lunch, but gave it back to the waiter as soon as she saw it, quietly saying “I ordered no bacon.” Bucky smiled at his soup, knowing the others cared for him made him very - happy.

“So, what are you guys doing once this is finished?” Tony Stark asked. “Heading back to God knows where? Staying in a sad little motel?”

“Yes,” Sam replied. Steve was staring at him like he was the other day - like he was analyzing Sam. At first, it made Bucky uncomfortable, he didn’t like it when people analyzed him and he doubted Sam would. But, Steve wasn’t going to  _ hurt _ Sam so Bucky figured that it was actually okay. Steve was probably just thinking and randomly looking at Sam, he did that to Bucky sometimes. 

“We have a witness that said she thought she saw a Hydra base in Paris,” Sharon Carter said. “You’re welcome to come with us to investigate.” 

Nat looked at Steve for a moment before they both nodded. “Sounds good,” Steve replied but he didn’t sound happy. “We’ll give you the truck once the contract is finished.” 

“It’s already being written,” Sharon Carter said. 

“We’re not going to get thrown into your super secret boat prison, are we?” Clint asked, raising his eyebrows at Sharon Carter. “If we don’t do what you say for example.” 

“What do you mean?” Sharon Carter asked after a moment where she looked very  _ scared _ and confused. When no one answered her, they just looked at her expectantly, she sighed lowly. “How’d you find out about it? It’s heavily classified from SHIELD.”

“We’re spies,” Nat replied curtly.

Sharon Carter sighed again. “You won’t be put on the raft. It’s for prisoners.”

“So if we do something you don’t like?” Clint asked tightly. “Then what?”

“We’ll add it to the contract,” Sharon Carter replied. “Is that better?”

“Not really,” Steve said. But he nodded anyway. Bucky was watching the entire thing with a hint of confusion. Sam had told him, a long time ago, that it would be hard for him to understand how people act because of how he had been treated. No one was ever subtle or off-handed with him. Clint had said that it was okay for Bucky to take time to figure everything out. So, with that in mind, Bucky listened to the conversation. It sounded like a pleasant chat, no one was angry. But he thought that there was more than that. There was more anger under the surface, people didn’t trust others but couldn’t show it. Far too confusing, Bucky decided. It’d be easier for Steve to just tell them what to do and - NO, Steve wasn’t in charge of anyone. Steve wasn't a handler. They could make their own decisions. Just like him. 

Tony Stark was listening just like Bucky, eating the steak in front of him. He started talking after Steve, saying that they needed to be on the same page - Nat scoffed - and that, if they wanted this to work, they needed to be honest. He said that it wouldn’t work otherwise which wasn’t true. Bucky was never told anything and people lied to him all the time but he still did his missions and did them well. 

He didn’t say that though, he didn’t think Steve would like hearing it. Steve never liked hearing about his days with Hydra. It made him sad. A lot of things made Steve sad, just like Bucky. Which was, he know knew, okay. Emotions were perfectly okay. For everyone.

The conversation shifted again, more casual chat, as people finished eating. Bucky liked his soup and asked Steve if he could have it again, which got him a smile and a nod. Steve handed him the plate of bread which was nice when dipped. The entire meal was nice. After the business talk, everyone was calm and it made Bucky calm as well. When they had finished eating Steve said that they should go, so Sharon Carter could write the contract so they could start working faster. Everyone agreed and they started packing up. 

“I love you,” Bucky said as they were walking back to the hotel, their hands linked together. 

“Love you too, Buck,” Steve replied. Bucky lent up and kissed Steve’s cheek. Laughing as he pulled away. “What’s funny?” Steve asked. 

“I can kiss you know,” Bucky replied, kissing him on the cheek again. “We couldn’t before.”

Steve nodded, “we couldn’t,” he lent down and kissed Bucky’s cheek causing Bucky to smile even more. He felt like a  _ child _ . Like a teenage girl after their first kiss. Which was dumb, because he was not. But, at the same time, he really liked the warm feeling that spread when Steve kissed or him or he kissed Steve. He decided that it was okay to feel like a little girl when Steve kissed him. 

He doubted it’d be going away anytime soon anyway. 


	18. Chapter 18

~One Year Later~

“Last I heard they don’t need us,” Steve said as he handed Bucky the pot of salt. “Tony said they could handle it, why’d we go?”

“Are they heading to Prague now then?” Sam asked, “or are they waiting for more information?” He handed Bucky the chopped carrots, who added them to the soup. “I mean, if they wait any longer there’s a chance Hydra just packs back up.”

“They have nowhere else to go,” Clint said from the table. “We’ve burned down the majority of the out-of-the-way bases already. And if they’re in cities they’re found within a few days. I reckon they’re going to stay for as long as they can in Prague.”

 

Sam shrugged and Steve responded. “They’re going there tomorrow anyway. We’ll meet them when Nat gets back. Hopefully, they will have done all the hard yards by then,” he pulled down four bowls and put them in front of Bucky. “And after Prague, Tony wants us to go to New York for a few days to have a look at some new tracking program he created. Said it could change the way we look for bases.”

“He said that next time we’re in New York he was going to update my arm,” Bucky added pouring out the soup. “And I told him that he wasn’t going to touch my arm. I like it how it is.”

“What did he say to that?” Steve asked, taking out garlic bread. 

“Said he’d get there eventually. I told him he could try.” 

“Just winter-soldier-glare at him next time he brings it up,” Sam suggested. “That’ll put him off coming near you for a while,” when Bucky laughed Sam continued “Dude. Seriously, that glare is terrifying.”

Bucky laughed again, “you don’t respond to it anymore.”

“Yeah, it’s like my mom’s scolding look. I’ve gotten it to many times.”

Clint nodded in agreement. “You can’t glare at us all the time and expect us to be affected by it anymore. Thanks,” he said as Steve put down his bowl. “You have to find something else to terrify us with.” 

“I can amputate any limb you want,” Bucky said as he sat. “Keep you alive through the whole process. One time the dude managed to stay awake through the entire thing. Screaming. I’m sure he told me what I needed to know,” he looked around, horrified faces staring at him. He laughed again. “Kidding.” 

Sam groaned and Clint threw a piece of bread at him. Steve just rolled his eyes. “How were we supposed to know that!?” Sam whined, “nice soup by the way.”

 

“Thanks. And I needed to terrify you, you told me to.”

“You suck,” Sam said, pointing his spoon at Bucky. “Why do I put up with you.”

“Because you loooove me.” 

“Ew, no.”

Steve bumped his shoulder against Bucky’s “I love you.” 

“You two are disgusting,” Natasha said from the front door. “I’m going back Moscow,” she shrugged off her jacket. She had a nasty cut on her shoulder but was otherwise fine. Clint got up and grabbed their first aid kit, grabbing out a bandage and handing it to her before pouring her a bowl of soup. “I knew I was going to walk into something gross. It’s always weird with you two.”

“You’re not supposed to be back yet,” Steve said, ignoring the jabs. “What happened?” 

“The base was basically empty. Sharon and I were able to clear it by ourselves, no need to wait for backup,” she replied. Clint bandaged the cut and she started eating. “We haven’t gotten any reports of new bases in Moscow, so Sharon wants to try and start getting rid of Hydra country by country. Offense instead of defense. You know? So that’s the new plan, she’s trying to get countries to agree. Hopefully, we’ll be able to use their security cameras now to run facial scanners. Nice soup, Bucky.”

“Thanks.”

Nodding, Steve asked, “so are there still countries who don’t want us to be there?”

“No,” she shook her head. “They don’t mind us being there, but we’re trying to use their stuff and they don’t want to share. We’ve gotten six countries on board and Tony already does it in America anyway. So, hopefully, we can get Hydra out of those seven for good. The problem is not knowing who’s Hydra and who isn’t. Ex-Hydra agents are coming forward to help identify people they worked with. Which should speed it up. Anyway, did you hear about Prague?” Sam and Steve both nodded so Nat continued. “Yeah, so they want us there ASAP to help. The base is bigger than they thought. It’s five buildings connected between underground tunnels. So they want us there to help them.”

“We’ll go first thing tomorrow,” Steve said. “Be ready by dawn. Buck, can you fly us there?” 

“Yeah.”

Steve finished his soup, moving to the kitchen to wash up. “Okay. Sounds like a plan.”

“A star-spangled plan?” Bucky asked, grinning. He hummed for a moment before starting to sing, “Who's strong and brave here to save the American Way? Who's vows to fight like a man for what's right, night and day?”

“Shut up Bucky.”

“Who will campaign door to door for America? Carry the flag shore to shore for America?” Sam continued on, earning his own glare from Steve. “What? It’s catchy.”

“When did you learn it?” Steve asked. “And why?”

Sam shrugged, “elementary? We did presentations on you man. I think my grade 3 play was about you.” 

“Ha,” Bucky chuckled. “That’s dumb.”

Steve flicked dishwater on Bucky’s head. “You’re dumb.”

“You’re both children,” Natasha muttered, Clint nodding along to her words. “You’re both war heroes and have been celebrated by your people for decades but here we are. Oh, if only they knew the truth.”

Steve flicked dishwater at her head as well. She grinned at him in response. “Alright,” she held her hands up in surrender. “Let’s go, I could sleep for a month. See you three bright and early,” she pulled Clint up and the two of them left the motel room together. 

“I’ll head off as well,” Sam said. “See you two tomorrow.” 

Both Steve and Bucky waved at him as he walked out. They turned back to the sink and started doing the dishes again. There wasn’t much, Bucky didn’t use a lot when he cooked, but there was enough to take their mind off things. Steve was frowning at the sink, scrubbing intensely. Bucky pushed Steve’s hip with his own. “What’s wrong? You’re going to get wrinkles if you keep frowning like that,” Steve shook his head at Bucky’s question and Bucky scoffed in reply. “Something’s wrong. You can’t lie to me anymore.”

“I never lied to you,” Steve muttered in reply. Bucky just continued to stare at him, waiting for him to answer the question. Which he apparently really didn’t want to do, seeing as it took him cleaning the pot before he answered. “Fine. I was just thinking about Prague, boring stuff,” he muttered. Bucky continued watching him, waiting for the truth. “Oh, God, okay. I was worrying about you. Whenever you come on a mission you get really quiet and lost in your thoughts. If this is as big as they said you’re going to be needed and you will be asked the take the shot. I don’t like it.”

“Don’t like what?”

“Asking you to kill. You’ve done it for so long and it haunts you. I always feel sick when you get asked to fight with us,” Bucky went to argue but Steve continued before he could, his face morphing to sadness over anger. “I know you feel the same way. You had a nightmare last night, called out that you didn’t want to fight anyway, didn’t want to kill anymore. Begged me not to make you. And maybe you’re going to say that you don’t mind it because they’re Hydra, but you clearly do.”

Bucky shook his head, “last night I was dreaming you were my handler in Russia. Not now.”

“Okay, but that means you still see me like that. Even just subconsciously. You see me as someone who gives you orders to kill. And I do, and I have been doing it for years. Longer than Hydra really, if you think about it. I don’t want you to see me as a handler or even a Captain. I want you to see me as Steve, not your superior in any way. I was thinking about that.”

“I don’t see you as a handler,” Bucky said instantly but then sighed. “But yeah, I don’t like the fighting. But, I’ll do it. Because you need me to. It’s fine.”

“You don’t need to.”

“That’s why I don’t mind it. You’re not ordering me to do it, I’m choosing to. It’s different.” 

Steve looked at him for a moment before nodding. “Okay, okay. If you want to you can, I’ll never tell you what to do. Now, we’ve got an early start so do you want to go to sleep?” He asked and Bucky nodded. They placed all the dishes in the drying rack and then, hand in hand, moved to their bed.

~~

Just off Wenceslas Square in Prague, there was a serious of shops. They had been told that the optometrist, dentist, law firm, cafe and hair salon were all fronts for Hydra. They weren’t attached, there was another building in between each of the fronts. Which made the mission that much more difficult. Sharon had already sent some people into the building posing as Hydra agents. Nat, Clint, and Sam were sitting in a van outside the law firm, ready to jump out and storm that. Steve and Bucky were sitting in a restaurant opposite the dentist and hair salon. They had strict instructions. No person or item was to leave any of the buildings.

“They’re in position,” Sharon said over the coms. “Are you ready?”

Steve and Bucky, both wearing civilian clothing, got up and headed toward the entrance of the restaurant. “We’re ready,” Steve replied. Nat responded the same way. “Okay, move in,” Steve commanded. They were across the street in no time, bursting into the dentist. Some people fought back but most were technicians or desk agents. They were easy to subdue and tie up. Each person got a cable tie around their wrist and were propped up against the wall in the foyer. Ready for the police to get them. 

“The law firm is clear,” Natasha radioed in. “We’re heading to the tunnels.”

“Cafe and optometrist are clear,” Sharon replied. 

“Meet us in the tunnels. We’re going to start bring the files down.”

“All the files in the cafe are digital.”

Natasha hummed, “makes life easier. It’s a mix here.”

“We’re about to head up to the archives of the dentist, everyone’s ready and waiting for the police here,” Steve said, watching Bucky who was watching the people tied up beside the door. “What about the hair salon?”

“The agents are almost finished there,” Sharon replied. 

“Clint is heading there now,” Natasha said. “Sam and I’ll meet you in the tunnels.”

The coms clicked off. Steve motioned for Bucky to come with him and the two of them made their way to the back room. There were some dentist tools but the majority of the room was filled up with large boxes. “Why couldn’t Hydra just use a computer?” Bucky muttered when he opened one of the boxes beside the door to find a stack of paper files. “This is ridiculous and unnecessary. To much paper.” 

Steve chuckled, “that’d be great,” he opened his own box. This one was filled with pictures, just stacks, and stacks of pictures. They were aged, and by the looks of the fashion, around the seventies. Bucky came over to him, looking at them with him. Steve moved through the stack, Bucky pointing out people he recognized. Then Steve moved one to reveal a picture of Bucky in a cell. Cell wasn’t even the right word for it, it was a small room with all the walls being bars. The floor was concrete and there wasn’t anything in it bar Bucky. The state of Bucky was even worse, he was covered in bruises and blood, his from the looks of the cuts placed across his entire body. His eyes were dull but filled with pain and he was sitting hunched in on himself. 

“Oh,” Bucky muttered. He took the photo of Steve and studied it. Staring at himself with no emotion on his face. “I think I remember this,” he said. “Maybe, we were in Vietnam and I defected. They didn’t have the chair so they used physical punishments. Afterward, they threw me in there and told me to think about what I had done. But,” he looked at Steve and smiled, “I didn’t. I lay there and thought ‘this is wrong’ over and over again. Guess I was right in the end. But then they did the same thing again and again and again and then I begged them to stop. Figured I must be wrong if this is what happening.” 

“I’m so sorry, Bucky, I -”

“It’s fine,” he cut Steve off. Folding the picture up he placed it in his pocket. Steve watched him do it with a frown but didn’t say anything. “I don’t want this going off to the others,” Bucky explained. “Who knows, might burn it.” 

A group of agents came into the room. Steve told them to take everything out as quickly as possible and they nodded. Bucky and he walked out, usually, they would stay to help but Bucky looked like he was about to be sick. So they left, walking out to the foyer where everyone was still tied up. One of them stood when they came in, shouting out them. It was the standard stuff, that Hydra would beat them and Bucky was a failure. In all honesty, it was boring. Steve had heard it so many times now, he was about to say as much, wanting him to shut up when the man charged. He had managed to get out of the cable tie and was now coming at Steve looking to strangle him. Now, Steve could easily take this man on, no problem at all. But he didn’t need to as just before he reached Steve a shot rang out and the man dropped down. 

Steve looked over at Bucky, who was staring at the man on the floor, finger still on the trigger. “Buck?” He asked softly, stepping towards him. Bucky looked up with wide eyes before turning and walking out the front door. Steve followed after him, radioing in that the gunshot had been Bucky and they were fine. He choked up on the fine though because, well, were they? Bucky was sitting on the curb beside the van when Steve came out. His gun laying on the ground beside him. Steve squatted down in front of him, “are you okay?”

“I-” he buried his head in his hands with a groan. “I shot him and I saw every other kill shot I had ever made. I know that having my memories back is good but it hurts so much. I don’t like it, don’t like knowing what I’ve done.”

Taking his shield off his arm, Steve sat down on the road. “You don’t have to fight anymore, Buck,” he said. Bucky groaned, his mind going to last night’s conversation. “I’m serious. You are not a soldier. You don’t need to keep going, you’ve given your everything for this fight, Buck, and if you want to stop no one’s going to stop you. If you want to go and live on a farm somewhere, raise chickens or something, then you can. Tell me something, the truth, do you want to keep fighting? Can you keep fighting?”

“No. But I can’t stop watching your six.”

“You’re too good for yourself,” Steve said as Sam, Nat, and Clint came out onto the street. “I said it before and I’ll say it again; I don’t deserve you. You don’t have to fight anymore, don’t worry.”

“I’m following you. Always have always will.” 

Sam and the others came to a stop beside them as Steve said; “I know,” he stood up with a sad smile on his face. Bucky stood as well. Steve looked down at his shield, eyes growing misty. “You know what would be cool?” Steve asked, not looking up from the star. No one answered him, just watched him silently. He pushed the shield away from himself, “Captain America with wings.”

“Steve no,” Bucky argued as Steve handed the shield to Sam. “You can’t do this. Sam don’t accept that. Steve you gave up everything to become Captain America, don’t throw it away because of me. The world needs you, now more than ever.”

“No. The world needs Captain America, you need me. Sam, what do you say?”

“Are you sure?” Sam asked, taking the shield hesitantly. People across the road were taking photos and Sharon had stopped in her tracks. Everyone was whispering around them. “This is crazy,” Sam muttered when Steve nodded. “You really want me to become Captain America?” Steve nodded again, no hesitation. “Dude, Bucky’s right. You gave everything to become Cap.”

Steve smiled at him, it was sad but held no regret. A smile with a hundred years of pain but a smile of happiness nonetheless. He looked over at Bucky for a moment before turning back to Sam and saying “I’ve been fighting for a very long time. Long before I was Captain America. I think it’s time that I retire for a bit. You know the first time I went out to fight was to save Bucky, it’s only right he’s the reason I leave it.”

“You’re serious,” Nat said from behind Sam. “You want to hang up the shield? Finish the fight?” Both her and Clint had been rendered speechless, eyes darting between Sam, Steve, and Bucky. They weren't usually speechless, this was something very new. Natasha blinked at him and, slowly, said “you actually want to do this? I really can’t believe it,” and Clint nodded in agreement. 

“I’m serious. So, Buck, you following me still?” 

“Don’t do this for me.”

“I’m not.”

“Oh.” He reached for Steve’s hand and stepped closer to him, their shoulders pressed against each other. Warmth. That’s what Bucky could feel. It was all he could feel as he stood next to Steve. Next to the man who was finishing the fight he had started so long ago so they could be happy. “Are we going to go and move onto a farm? Because I’m more of a city kid.”

With a grin, Steve kissed his temple. “Nah, I think we should move back to Brooklyn. Buy a nice little apartment just like the good ol’ days, what do you say?” Bucky was smiling up at him, a look pure and utter adoration in his eyes as he stared at his Steve. Turning back to the others and said, “if you ever need us, we’re only a call away but I think we’re going to go and rest for a bit.”

“Have fun,” Sam said, placing the shield on his arm. “You’ve earned it.”

And with that, they were gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :):):):):)


	19. Chapter 19

There were five things that Bucky knew.

He didn’t have missions anymore  
He was Bucky and no one could take that away  
He had memories, both good and bad, but all his  
He was liked by his friends  
He was completely and utterly in love with Steve Rogers

There were five things that Steve knew.

He would never not hate Hydra  
He was able to trust others to finish the fight  
He didn’t need to fight, and he found he liked not fighting  
He would move heaven and hell to make Bucky happy  
He was completely and utterly in love with Bucky Barnes

These were ten of the things they knew and they were going to discover a whole lot more. Together. 

~~

Steve was boiling water in their kitchen. It had been a long time since Bucky had a panic attack, but still, Steve listened out. Just in case. When he was happy that Bucky wasn’t about to start screaming he turned back to the task at hand. Hot chocolate. They had been watching a movie in bed, Steve had been perfectly happy with Bucky tucked under his arm, and then Bucky had demanded that he get a hot chocolate. Which led to Steve mixing all the ingredients in a mug. 

“Don’t forget the whipped cream!” Bucky called from the bedroom. 

“You know I won't.”

“Gotta make sure.”

The water was boiled at Steve was finishing up. Bucky was very picky about his hot chocolates, needed them to be just the way he liked them. Steve hadn’t been sure why hot chocolates where the thing that Bucky had attached to but Bucky had explained it. He said that Steve had given him a hot chocolate on the first day they had been together. It had made him feel safer, more welcome. Steve never complained about making hot chocolates now.

Once it was done Steve made his way to the bedroom. He stopped in the hallway, the hot mug starting to get uncomfortable in his hand. But he stopped anyway, staring at their picture wall. It had been Bucky who had suggested it, remembering that Steve had one in his old apartment. All those photos were up; pictures of Steve with the Avengers years ago, pictures with Sam or Natasha, drawings he had sent Bucky during the war and that he had sketched while on the front (technically he had stolen them from the Smithsonian but they were his so did it matter?). Pictures of Steve and Bucky, before the war, during, on the run and more recent. A picture someone had taken of Steve handing his shield over to Sam, and another of Sam being announced as Captain America. 

Steve’s favourite was at the end, it was a picture he found online of the moment he asked Bucky to marry him. It was Bucky’s favourite as well. 

Smiling at the, recent, memory Steve went back to the bedroom. Bucky was sprawled out across the bed, phone in hand. He looked up when Steve came in, smiled, and reached out to take the mug. “Tony asked if we wanted to have dinner with them tomorrow.”

“Who’s them?” Steve asked settling in beside Bucky, who instantly wrapped himself around Steve.

“The whole gang. Tony, Pepper, Clint, Nat, Sam, Wanda, Vision. Rhodey and Bruce might be there. They’re celebrating.”

“Oh, about Hydra?”

Bucky nodded. It was official, there were no more Hydra bases in any part of the American continent. It had taken Sam and the rest of them two years to get it done. There were some days that Steve felt bad about leaving them, it weighed heavy on him a lot of the time. He felt like he was being selfish, leaving the fight. But Sam had told him that it was fine, that they had it under control. And Bucky was so happy now. He was happy more often than not now.

“Yeah, sounds good.”

“I’ll message Sam back then,” Bucky muttered, already typing. “He says he misses you, in a totally platonic way,” Bucky said with a chuckle. “Also, Stark wants to take another look at my arm. He said he might be able to mass produce some like mine for others. He said it would be less weapony though, a lot lighter. A normal spine couldn’t hold up the weight that this one weighs.”

“That’s awesome,” Steve replied, moving to massage Bucky’s shoulder. Being reminded of the strain his arm placed on his body was never fun. But he was being serious, it was awesome that Bucky’s arm could be a model for something good. Bucky always looked at his arm with such anger and sadness, this could help that outlook. 

Moving so he was closer to Steve, Bucky nodded. “He says he looks forward to seeing you. I - I can be completely honest?” Bucky asked and Steve nodded, about to say ‘always’ when Bucky continued. “If you had told me, in the 40’s, that this is where we ended up,” he twirled the engagement band on his finger with a small smile. “That we were still in love and we were allowed to be in love I wouldn’t believe you. I always felt bad, like I was holding you back. You could have been president or something, but now we can be us,” he sighed dreamily.

“Are you telling me to be president?” Steve teased, moving his hand to massage Bucky’s head. 

“No, you punk. I’m telling you that I’m happy with both made it to the 21st century. That I think the means justified the end almost,” he groaned and rubbed his face. “No. I don’t like that I had to do what I did. But I - No, I -”

“I know Bucky, I get it.”

He looked up at Steve, sipping at his hot chocolate, with soft eyes. Steve smiled back down at him, ‘good God he’s cute’ the only thing on his mind. They both leaned in at the same time, words no longer needed. They hadn’t been needed for years. Two bodies and souls completely intertwined. Steve sighed when he felt Bucky’s lips on his own, chocolate exploding into his mouth. His hand tightening in Bucky’s hair, pushing him closer. Bucky smiled in the kiss, his metal hand going to rest on Steve’s hip. 

“I love you so much,” Steve murmured against Bucky’s lips. “You’re amazing.” Bucky returned the sentiment, the smile never leaving his face and his hand tightening on Steve’s hip. All those years ago, back in DC before all of this, before they went on the run. Before Steve had his life flipped upside down. So long ago, Steve had returned home and seen the blood on his door handle. It had been so unexpected. 

But so welcomed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND IT'S OVER
> 
> My goodness! I hope you all enjoyed it :)


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